Flashpoint Truth, Part 2

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.
Do not be like the horse or like the mule,
Which have no understanding,
Which must be harnessed with bit and bridle,
Else they will not come near you.” (Psalm 32:8, 9)

I’m a mule. In the past few weeks I’ve seen that God can do whatever He must to get us next to Him, even if it means a harness for a time. By bit and bridle I was led to a men’s conference, and found myself immersed in an atmosphere where I had nothing to do but think about the past several years. There was no escape in terms of being able to flip on a video game or read a book or watch the Simpsons or find some other way to avoid inner inspection.

I could have continued to resist. But when you’re certain God’s gone to a lot of trouble to put fire under your ass, it’s hard to take it for granted. For me, at least. Even through the pain, it’s encouraging when you realize He’s still interested in you and hasn’t given up on you (though you gave up on yourself long ago). So I chose to start facing reality. And when I made that choice, He was there to help.

The first step was confessing the struggle or, more accurately, to confess I really wasn’t “struggling” at all. Let’s face it: most denizens of Western culture don’t even recognize sexual impurity as a serious problem. Married people, single, divorced, whatever–-even Christians–-toy with lascivious thoughts and behavior as if it’s not snaring, marring, unsatisfying, shameful, empty, deadly sin. To some degree, I’d convinced myself that my roving eyes and heart were probably just normal. I wasn’t contesting the behavior or striving for change: I’d made a kind of truce or compromise with it. In my head I knew what God’s standard for purity was, but in my heart I didn’t believe it was feasible.

Here’s what I learned about myself on the first day of the conference:

1. Though I’ve told the truth sometimes about my behavior, I haven’t allowed the consequences of those deeds to lead me to God. I’ve never stopped and considered how my actions have affected me, my wife, my children, my brothers and sisters in Christ, people I’ve worked with, online contacts, or even God Himself. I’ve never really felt sorrow over my poor choices. In fact, I’ve defended and excused them.

2. I’ve never confessed my need to other people, preferring instead to isolate myself. Again, recognizing and acknowledging need is tough in our culture, where it’s viewed as weakness to say, “This problem is beyond my capacity to control or handle on my own.” It’s especially hard on a man. He won’t even stop to ask for directions when he’s lost. But God views that kind of humility and weakness and dependence as a strength, and in fact He intentionally resists the proud, high-minded, and strongly independent. God doesn’t think like a man. “Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)

3. Up to this point, I’d had no desperate desire to be free from this sin. Viewing pornography and grabbing the attention of women has been something I’ve not only enjoyed, but have come to rely upon. And I didn’t realize I had a serious problem until I got to the conference and considered the idea of never intentionally viewing porn or indulging in fantasy (to be defined here in a later post) again. Ever. When I thought about it, it scared me. It really scared me. The first time I encountered porn I was six years old, and I’ve used it as an escape and coping mechanism since I was eleven. So for almost my entire life I’ve had a love-hate relationship with it, and to go, “Hey, I’m a pastor’s kid and I’ve been a Bible teacher and I love God, but I’ve never been truly sorry about this behavior nor have I taken any real steps to change...”

It was disturbing.

* * * * *

All behavior is purposeful. Even dysfunctional, damaging behavior has an underlying cause. We don’t always understand the reasons why we do things, and most people don’t care to explore this stuff in their own hearts. But I’ve been asking myself hard questions (prompted by what I learned at Every Man’s Battle): What woundings do I have? What purpose have these hurtful, persistent patterns of behavior served in my life? What is it I’m getting from them? What are their roots?

One of the amazing things I’ve discovered is that, at their foundation, these sexual thoughts and behaviors aren’t about sex at all.