Flashpoint Truth, Part 1

One of the reasons the Every Man’s Battle seminar was so striking for me, I think, was that I’d become accustomed to two things in my thoughts and emotions: denial and blame.

Denial. Not so much a willful denial of my situations, but a subconscious escapist mentality where I thought “I’ll start dealing with that tomorrow.” But tomorrow always became another tomorrow.

And blame, which is just denial reaching out to bash someone else. It would seem crazy to people who know me, but it never occurred to me that I was using blame as an excuse to avoid personal change. I've blamed God, and I’ve been blaming my wife for years.

“It’s Jessica’s fault that I’m the way I am because she treated me so shittily in our first years of marriage...if my wife would be the person I need her to be, I wouldn’t struggle with all these damaging behaviors.” So on and so forth, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

I’ve resisted change because I’ve thought, “Why should I change if Jessica’s not going to change? What about her?”

The day after I sent a letter to my former coworker stating that our contact (however limited) must cease, I was driving and praying. Even though I knew I’d done the right thing in sending the letter, I was on fire with anger.

“This is unfair,” I said to the Lord. “This is just not fair. You expect me to change and yet You don’t expect Jessica to change. I know how You are. I’ll go to this stupid conference and recognize a bunch of shit about myself and I’ll know You want me to change, but Jessica will remain the same so the problem won’t go away, will it? I’ll just end up being miserable forever. Everybody thinks she’s perfect and wonderful and I’m the only one knows what a pisser she is, how self-righteous and proud and judgmental. And she doesn’t have to change, but You’re forcing me.”

So like all manly men, I called my Mommy to whine about the situation. I was telling my mother about how Jessica didn’t want me to come home, didn’t want to speak to me, and wanted to separate unless I agreed to go to the Every Man’s Battle seminar. My mother listened, then started to defend me and my way of thinking.

To my surprise, I stopped her almost immediately and defended my wife's viewpoint. The words coming out of my mouth didn’t make any sense, but I said, “Mom, God doesn’t have to be fair. I have to change whether Jessica changes or not, whether my marriage is saved or not. I have to become a man of integrity and truth regardless of what anyone else around me does.” Then I reminded her of a passage from John 21, where Jesus is telling Peter (who publicly denied Jesus to save his own hide) how, sometime in the future, he’s going to be martyred:

Jesus said, “The truth is, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked and go wherever you wanted to. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will direct you and take you where you don't want to go." Jesus said this to let him know what kind of death he would die to glorify God. Then Jesus told him, "Follow me."

Peter turned around and saw the disciple Jesus loved [John] following them--the one who had leaned over to Jesus during supper and asked, "Lord, who among us will betray you?"

Peter asked Jesus, "What about him, Lord?"

Jesus replied, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You follow me."

It wasn’t fair, but it was what Jesus wanted for Peter, and it was a direct answer to Peter’s fear and cowardice in terms of monumental failure and saving himself from death during the flashpoint crisis of Jesus’ arrest, trial, and execution. God doesn’t have to be fair. He can expect something of me and not expect it of someone else, including my wife. He’s God.

In talking to my mother (keeping in mind that both of my parents made excuses for years to avoid change and defend themselves) I saw that the choice before me was to humble myself and submit to the workings of God in the situation even though it hurts and it’s not fair, or to persist in the old Hobbs patterns of self-preservation and self-love.

If my wife doesn’t change, what is that to me? The point of decision doesn't concern her; she's secondary. Jesus is primary. It may not be fair, but it's the path to freedom.

So I chose the path never traveled. Not by me, nor by any member of my family for generations.