September 17, 2007

Nothing very insightful or encouraging to report lately, though there have been some good things going on.

For one thing, the people of our church provided us with a very nice vehicle, a Chevy Suburban Pastor John purchased off eBay from some hotshot Yankee who works in big oil. I flew up to Massachusetts on my birthday to bring the thing back. It’s been cared for and all that.

I confessed to the men’s group that having outside parties take care of our transportation needs is something I really don’t like, something very humbling--even frustrating. I try to believe that God will always take care of me and my family, but sometimes I’m not sure He will. There’s a conflict, I guess, because there’ve been times in my life when I didn’t have something I really needed--medicine or clothing, for example. When you’ve suffered lack in some way it seems harder to trust that God is a good father.

The men’s group has become a source of frustration for me. I feel like it’s going nowhere. One problem on my end is that I’m the youngest dude in the group: most of the men have grown children and are established in life. Two of them are even veterinarians, doctors. They don’t seem to be haunted by a lot of the struggles I face, yet I’m the one who’s expected to lead the thing and carry it along. We canceled the Daugherty conference because nearly everyone in the group was dreading it, including me.

Right now I just wish I knew someone my age, in similar circumstances. A guy, of course. Someone I could take a road trip with. I want to go camping somewhere for a weekend and just forget about all the trouble for awhile. I suggested the idea to the men’s group on Wednesday night and they seemed excited, but by Sunday they were rethinking the matter. I was hoping for two nights in Shenandoah Valley over in Virginia, but now they’re saying they want one night at Camp Arrowhead in Lewes, Delaware. Talk about awful. Because they’re getting old and decrepit, I guess.

Ryan is growing nicely. He’s a sweet little boy. Jessica is a near-perfect mother. Rebekah is being an awesome “big sister” this time around--now that she’s old enough to help out with the baby. We’ve never experienced any of the sibling jealousy that’s supposed to be a danger whenever a new baby enters the family.

The HR lady at Pepsi is trying to block Ryan’s health insurance coverage. I’m fighting the thing. Jess and I may even pursue legal options to make sure his medical bills get paid.

I am so tired of Pepsi, so tired of going around in circles. I really hate my job.

I am tired of working so hard, yet never being able to get ahead. I am tired of church. I am tired of God, of trying to be good. I am tired of uninspired people. I am bored with my life.

I have an idea for a novel, if I’m willing to get it going, but I was telling Jessica last night that writing, too, is probably a dead end. Can I work for thousands of hours on something if I’m not sure it will pay off at some point?

Direction, purpose, vision. All the things a relationship with God is supposed to bring are all the things I’m missing. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy, not that happiness has anything to do with anything.

But why?