Someone asked in the comments of the previous post why I think masturbation is wrong. I’ll say more about that in the future, but for now I’ll say that I don’t believe the physical act of masturbation is necessarily sinful--it may even have arguable benefits. It’s the fantasy aspect of masturbation that makes it wrong for me. (Which of course prompts the question, “Well, what’s the matter with fantasy?” More on that later, too.) Anytime I masturbate I also fantasize: I look at a picture of a woman, or I think of myself being with a woman who’s not my wife, or I think of my wife doing something she wouldn’t normally do. Masturbation is an inherently selfish, isolated act, and from the standpoint of marriage, when I masturbate I feel I am robbing my wife of a time of intimacy and connection that is hers by rights. From a Biblical perspective, my body belongs to her, and her body to me.
Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Corinthians 7:3, 4)
People think Christians have a problem with sex, but the Bible actually instructs married people to have sex and plenty of it.
* * * * *
Your testimonies are righteous forever; Give me understanding that I may live. (Psalm 119:144)
The current pressure from internal compulsions and external circumstances are broader in scope and more powerful in force than anything in my previous experience. I’m in an almost constant state of inner tension.
Yesterday was the first time I have “acted out,” or fallen back on a behavior that I know is harmful to me and my family. The internet in our home is protected and monitored by SafeEyes, but while Jessica and the kids were out yesterday, and I was home alone, I bypassed the SafeEyes program by using a person-to-person file sharing network to download several pornographic pictures and masturbate to them.
It was wholly unsatisfying. Yet even as I write this I find myself wishing I could view them again. That’s the nature of this conflict.
When we purchased the software, I gave Jessica administrative rights to the SafeEyes program (which means she can see all of my web activity anytime she wants to, whether I am online or off). So when she came home, I asked her to log into the program and ban P2P file sharing networks. Once she had, I confessed what I had done and asked her to forgive me. She was very gracious about it.
Even though it was a failure in one sense, it was also a victory. I resisted the first natural urges to cover the whole thing up--and I could have easily done so. No one’s as adept at sneakiness and deception as I. But I don’t want to go backwards. I want to progress and be totally free from this addiction. And I know (and now my wife knows) that when I’m alone, I need to be cautious. I need to have a clear plan for how I’ll spend that time, because I’m more vulnerable when I’m by myself without a mission.
Today I was mowing the grass and a little snippet from a Psalm entered my head. I prayed it several times as I walked the length of the yard: “Give me understanding, that I may live.”
I love that verse. People might prefer it to read this way: “Give me understanding, that I may know.” But it’s not necessarily about knowledge. Knowledge does not equal salvation or spirituality or closeness to God, and often it’s not even helpful. Knowing is easier than “hearing." Giving mental assent to truth isn't the same as owning it and walking under the power and responsibility it brings.
“He who has ears,” said Jesus, “let him hear.” Of course He wasn’t talking about physical ears, but of spiritual perception and receptivity, which is a thing we can choose to cultivate or ignore. Knowing His voice often requires a willful, persistent denial of other voices and distractions around us.
What I need is to hear the present, active word of God so that I can finally have success at living. Not in some dream or vision of the future, but in the here and now. I know a lot--more than most people, honestly. But I’m only just now learning how to live.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Back in the Fight
This has been a trying week, but I’m encouraged by that.
One of the ways you know you’re on the right track from a Christian perspective is that when you make a solid commitment and begin to follow the Lord, things can go from bad to worse. This is very discouraging to some people who don’t understand or believe there are evil forces at work in the world which resist God, His people, and His plan for creation.
But if you understand that this life is a battle, you are encouraged when spiritual resistance meets you, because it’s confirmation that you’re back in the fight. If you’re spiritually complacent or ignorant, the enemy of souls doesn’t bother you. A lot of Christians think the devil is lurking behind every bush, waiting to pounce on them. But the probable truth is that the devil isn’t too worried about most Christians since they aren’t much of a threat to him. Satan prioritizes well; he targets those who endanger his schemes.
And the evil spirit answered and said, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are you?" (Acts 19:15)
Anyway, on to news from the front...
I’m home, and that’s good. I’m trying to keep up my running and get back into a routine of fitness, which isn’t difficult because my job requires me to lift obscenely heavy doors, cabinets, and stacks of lumber--again and again and again. I’m also eating more nutritious food than when I was on the road. Bills are paid and needs are met. I’m waking up every morning at quarter-to-five to spend some time in prayer and reading because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to fit devotional time into the day.
On the flip side, I haven’t made time to really solidify the “accountability relationships” I know are necessary to pursue sexual integrity. I have to make that a priority this week. Basically I have two guys from my church I’ll be checking in with every week or two. One’s my pastor and one’s my next door neighbor. They’ve both known me since I was a teenager, and know my family. They’ll ask me questions about how I’ve been sexually tempted since I last talked to them and how I handled the temptation. Accountability is only as good as my honesty and transparency, though.
And speaking of temptation, that’s been pretty tough this week, especially in the last two days. I haven’t looked at porn or masturbated at all since I attended Every Man’s Battle (I only mention them together since they went hand-in-hand in my experience, as almost a daily occurrence). But I’ve caught myself again and again indulging in fond memories of a former lover. During the day I deflect my thoughts of her as soon as I realize I’m having them, but they are persistent. Sometimes I feel a sadness and sense of loss when she comes to mind: I miss her. And last night I dreamed about her all night long. Nothing sexual about the dream, per se, but throughout the night I saw (and felt) visions of struggle with conflicting feelings of wanting to embrace her and get her alone, while at the same time desiring to walk away from her forever.
I’ve found I have to be careful about web sites I visit, especially on Journalspace.com, where I host another journal. A lot of ladies there (even some Christian women) post provocative, intentionally salacious pictures of themselves that have created a familiar inner tension in me that can lead to stumbling. Basically I’m limiting myself to the journals and web sites I know are safe.
I’ve had about 50/50 success with “bouncing” my eyes, a technique I learned at the seminar. It’s pretty simple, really. A man’s eyes are the entrance to his mind because men are very visual, especially when it comes to sexuality. What enters his mind and takes root there can affect his behavior.
All of us have eyes that we’ve trained to seek the sexual. When we’re sitting at a stop light, we look around to see what cutie might be driving next to us. When a woman bends over to pick something off the ground, our eyes automatically gravitate to her. We’ve been taught by our culture that this is normal behavior, and maybe it is in terms of an “everyone does it, so why can’t I?” mentality. But it's not God’s desire for us, and it brings us no peace. God never intended us to have heat-seeking eyes. So “bouncing” is about developing a habit of looking away when our eyes or minds are suddenly violated by something impure or out of sync with God’s purpose and intention.
So when I see something sexual or enticing that’s not my wife--be it a billboard, a beachcomber in a bikini, a blog entry about a woman sunbathing or having sex, a waitress with nice cleavage leaning in front of me to write my order on her notepad, a woman in church wearing shorts that are too short--I want to bounce my eyes away from her onto something else.
The process is truly difficult right now. Not just in terms of pursuing purity, but the whole package of life. I’m hopeful though. My faith is not in “what” I believe, but in “Whom.”
For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day. 2 Timothy 1:12
I am dependent on Him.
One of the ways you know you’re on the right track from a Christian perspective is that when you make a solid commitment and begin to follow the Lord, things can go from bad to worse. This is very discouraging to some people who don’t understand or believe there are evil forces at work in the world which resist God, His people, and His plan for creation.
But if you understand that this life is a battle, you are encouraged when spiritual resistance meets you, because it’s confirmation that you’re back in the fight. If you’re spiritually complacent or ignorant, the enemy of souls doesn’t bother you. A lot of Christians think the devil is lurking behind every bush, waiting to pounce on them. But the probable truth is that the devil isn’t too worried about most Christians since they aren’t much of a threat to him. Satan prioritizes well; he targets those who endanger his schemes.
And the evil spirit answered and said, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are you?" (Acts 19:15)
Anyway, on to news from the front...
I’m home, and that’s good. I’m trying to keep up my running and get back into a routine of fitness, which isn’t difficult because my job requires me to lift obscenely heavy doors, cabinets, and stacks of lumber--again and again and again. I’m also eating more nutritious food than when I was on the road. Bills are paid and needs are met. I’m waking up every morning at quarter-to-five to spend some time in prayer and reading because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to fit devotional time into the day.
On the flip side, I haven’t made time to really solidify the “accountability relationships” I know are necessary to pursue sexual integrity. I have to make that a priority this week. Basically I have two guys from my church I’ll be checking in with every week or two. One’s my pastor and one’s my next door neighbor. They’ve both known me since I was a teenager, and know my family. They’ll ask me questions about how I’ve been sexually tempted since I last talked to them and how I handled the temptation. Accountability is only as good as my honesty and transparency, though.
And speaking of temptation, that’s been pretty tough this week, especially in the last two days. I haven’t looked at porn or masturbated at all since I attended Every Man’s Battle (I only mention them together since they went hand-in-hand in my experience, as almost a daily occurrence). But I’ve caught myself again and again indulging in fond memories of a former lover. During the day I deflect my thoughts of her as soon as I realize I’m having them, but they are persistent. Sometimes I feel a sadness and sense of loss when she comes to mind: I miss her. And last night I dreamed about her all night long. Nothing sexual about the dream, per se, but throughout the night I saw (and felt) visions of struggle with conflicting feelings of wanting to embrace her and get her alone, while at the same time desiring to walk away from her forever.
I’ve found I have to be careful about web sites I visit, especially on Journalspace.com, where I host another journal. A lot of ladies there (even some Christian women) post provocative, intentionally salacious pictures of themselves that have created a familiar inner tension in me that can lead to stumbling. Basically I’m limiting myself to the journals and web sites I know are safe.
I’ve had about 50/50 success with “bouncing” my eyes, a technique I learned at the seminar. It’s pretty simple, really. A man’s eyes are the entrance to his mind because men are very visual, especially when it comes to sexuality. What enters his mind and takes root there can affect his behavior.
All of us have eyes that we’ve trained to seek the sexual. When we’re sitting at a stop light, we look around to see what cutie might be driving next to us. When a woman bends over to pick something off the ground, our eyes automatically gravitate to her. We’ve been taught by our culture that this is normal behavior, and maybe it is in terms of an “everyone does it, so why can’t I?” mentality. But it's not God’s desire for us, and it brings us no peace. God never intended us to have heat-seeking eyes. So “bouncing” is about developing a habit of looking away when our eyes or minds are suddenly violated by something impure or out of sync with God’s purpose and intention.
So when I see something sexual or enticing that’s not my wife--be it a billboard, a beachcomber in a bikini, a blog entry about a woman sunbathing or having sex, a waitress with nice cleavage leaning in front of me to write my order on her notepad, a woman in church wearing shorts that are too short--I want to bounce my eyes away from her onto something else.
The process is truly difficult right now. Not just in terms of pursuing purity, but the whole package of life. I’m hopeful though. My faith is not in “what” I believe, but in “Whom.”
For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day. 2 Timothy 1:12
I am dependent on Him.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Seamlessness
One of the things mentioned at the Every Man’s Battle seminar was the idea of “seamlessness.” The speaker mentioned it almost in passing, but when I heard it I knew the concept was great and vast and transforming--I had to own it, had to possess that knowledge and make it my reality.
“Seamlessness,” said the speaker, “is very simple to understand: it means you are the same person wherever you go.”
I sat stunned, struck between the eyes with point-blank truth.
Before that day I never considered the fact that I habitually portrayed a separate version of myself to people, depending on my surroundings. In church I acted one way, at work I acted another way. Who I was around my wife and children was different than when I was with friends or chatting with online acquaintances.
And of course when I was by myself, I was VERY different. D.L. Moody wrote, “Character is who you are in the dark.” In other words, you are your truest self when no one else can see you. That persona was the one I kept hidden away, even from my family and deepest loves. I was afraid people might glimpse my dysfunctional, addicted, perverted, raging, flawed, sick self. People saw only what I wanted them to see, and I tried to keep the rest under wraps.
Increasing seamlessness is essential to the pursuit of integrity. It shouldn’t matter where you encounter me--I should be the same person wherever I am, whoever I’m talking to, whatever I’m doing. And even though I knew the process would probably take a good while, I decided right then, “I won’t live a fragmented, compartmentalized existence any more. For better or for worse, people are going to be able to trust the fact that they just met Steve Hobbs: a man, not a mask.”
Strange how something so obvious can elude recognition for so long.
“Seamlessness,” said the speaker, “is very simple to understand: it means you are the same person wherever you go.”
I sat stunned, struck between the eyes with point-blank truth.
Before that day I never considered the fact that I habitually portrayed a separate version of myself to people, depending on my surroundings. In church I acted one way, at work I acted another way. Who I was around my wife and children was different than when I was with friends or chatting with online acquaintances.
And of course when I was by myself, I was VERY different. D.L. Moody wrote, “Character is who you are in the dark.” In other words, you are your truest self when no one else can see you. That persona was the one I kept hidden away, even from my family and deepest loves. I was afraid people might glimpse my dysfunctional, addicted, perverted, raging, flawed, sick self. People saw only what I wanted them to see, and I tried to keep the rest under wraps.
Increasing seamlessness is essential to the pursuit of integrity. It shouldn’t matter where you encounter me--I should be the same person wherever I am, whoever I’m talking to, whatever I’m doing. And even though I knew the process would probably take a good while, I decided right then, “I won’t live a fragmented, compartmentalized existence any more. For better or for worse, people are going to be able to trust the fact that they just met Steve Hobbs: a man, not a mask.”
Strange how something so obvious can elude recognition for so long.
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