The Holy Spirit and Fire

I’m physically tired and mentally confused, but alive to God.

Being alive to God doesn’t mean life is easy.

I met with the pastor last Sunday for the purpose--as I remarked to Jessica, tongue-in-cheek--of “bad-mouthing his hired goon.” His associate pastor loves God. He’s also a wimp, a spiritual sham, and a bastion of regurgitated confusion, and I want to confront him about it. I’ve tried to arrange a meeting with him but he’s avoiding me, probably because he’s a bit fearful of subjection to the Berean nobility. So I met with his mentor, the lead pastor, to delineate my concerns. He agreed with most of what I said, telling me we’d have to arrange a conference with the three of us so I can get it all out and reality can sunrise on this dude’s denial.

Week later, nothing else has been said about it.

Then there’s my journals. I shut down my Journalspace writings, and I redirected the URL to this one. The purpose was to shake off the readers, the people with interest. Which sounds odd, but I’ve done it several times before whenever a journal becomes problematic. I’d grown accustomed to using my Journalspace account for fun, just goofy writing and silly stuff. I use my Blogspot to spout my diary-ah: it’s just a regular journal for catching all the little happenings in life.

But last week I realized I’m too Christian to be acceptable to the world and too worldly to be acceptable to the Church. I’ve never really tried to censor myself, not when I was 15 and first started writing in a journal, not now. I prefer using web space and programs to spew my personal drivel, just because it’s easier. So I guess I’ll just try to keep my readership to a minimum.

Jessica seemed saddened by the prospect of my not writing silly stuff anymore. I am always making her laugh with my crazy thoughts, toilet humor, and wholly inappropriate anecdotes.

I don’t know. I’m confused. I woke up to this strange, funny arrangement--I didn’t create it. How do I change the way I perceive things? Should I even seek that? After working very hard for years to “find my voice,” practicing for hours and hours in the pursuit of something that sounds real and natural, should I choke it? How can I ever paint an accurate picture of life on this earth without using some dark colors?

Anyways.

Scott wanted me to get together with his wife and an old friend of ours who’s in town this weekend, but I didn’t want to. I don’t have anything in common with those guys anymore. Sometimes I feel guilty about not doing more to keep that relationship alive, but then I wonder whether the “growing apart” isn’t just part of the story of grace. My whole thought process--the aim of my life--is God-ward. Scott likes to talk movies and TV and pop culture and all that. He spends his free time eating, watching TV, and surfing the net. None of those things are necessarily wrong, but in his case they are very near idolatrous. Whenever we’ve gotten together in the past several years, that’s the only thing he has to talk about. It’s just empty to me. Eventually I’ll have to just spill the beans, like I will with the associate pastor.

Stress, baby. Burn, fire burn.

I think fire and separation are going to be themes in my next talk to the church, which will be on August 12.

And now also the axe is laid unto the root of the trees: therefore every tree which bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire: Whose fan is in his hand, and he will throughly purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the garner; but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire. Matthew 3:10-12