I’m writing this at the church in the hour before the men’s meeting occurs.

I’m in a lot of pain today. I’ve never found other words to express the state of sighing and sadness that comes over me some days except to say, “It hurts.”

It’s been one of those days. For one thing, things are tumultuous at work. I’ve had an icicle up my ass ever since two months ago when I realized Pepsi is a dead-end job. I’ve got a bad attitude and I’m sure it’s visible to those around me, including my supervisors. And that pisses me off because I don’t want to have a bad attitude. I want to believe in my heart what I know in my head: that I don’t work for some mad frenzied corporation driven to fits over lucre and mammon. That I work for God. That each day, my only aim should be to please Him, secure in knowing He’ll worry about tomorrow. But it’s hard.

Today they had the most negative guy in the whole company riding with me as a helper, which was draining. He kept telling stupid jokes and pointing out pretty girls and gossiping and complaining and making with tons of coarse sexual commentary. All of which I don’t need. I outright lied to someone about something minor because I didn’t want to have to deal with the corporate bullshit--I just wanted to get home. Plus another driver showed me a brief pornographic clip on his cell phone which, when I realized what it was, I quickly walked away from, cursing.

Cursing. That’s another thing. I have such an unclean mouth. I’ve lowered myself to the level of the mob. God’s definitely pointing it out to me, too. He wants purity to go beyond skin-deep: He wants my heart pure, holy, and innocent.

But it’s not. It’s just not.

Anytime I come to the church anymore I have a hard time because D lives so close. My nose is stuffed up and I’d like to go to Wal-Mart here in town and get some Sudafed but I’m afraid I’ll run into her, and that wouldn’t leave me feeling real super-stable just before I lead a men’s meeting. I’m so frustrated that I still think about her, that I miss her. It’s wearisome.

I’m frustrated with not knowing when and how everything will work out.

Tonight’s topic is about our identity in God, and how God uses our personal pain and weakness to display His strength in our lives. I’m all about His purpose.