Back in the Fight

This has been a trying week, but I’m encouraged by that.

One of the ways you know you’re on the right track from a Christian perspective is that when you make a solid commitment and begin to follow the Lord, things can go from bad to worse. This is very discouraging to some people who don’t understand or believe there are evil forces at work in the world which resist God, His people, and His plan for creation.

But if you understand that this life is a battle, you are encouraged when spiritual resistance meets you, because it’s confirmation that you’re back in the fight. If you’re spiritually complacent or ignorant, the enemy of souls doesn’t bother you. A lot of Christians think the devil is lurking behind every bush, waiting to pounce on them. But the probable truth is that the devil isn’t too worried about most Christians since they aren’t much of a threat to him. Satan prioritizes well; he targets those who endanger his schemes.

And the evil spirit answered and said, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are you?" (Acts 19:15)

Anyway, on to news from the front...

I’m home, and that’s good. I’m trying to keep up my running and get back into a routine of fitness, which isn’t difficult because my job requires me to lift obscenely heavy doors, cabinets, and stacks of lumber--again and again and again. I’m also eating more nutritious food than when I was on the road. Bills are paid and needs are met. I’m waking up every morning at quarter-to-five to spend some time in prayer and reading because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to fit devotional time into the day.

On the flip side, I haven’t made time to really solidify the “accountability relationships” I know are necessary to pursue sexual integrity. I have to make that a priority this week. Basically I have two guys from my church I’ll be checking in with every week or two. One’s my pastor and one’s my next door neighbor. They’ve both known me since I was a teenager, and know my family. They’ll ask me questions about how I’ve been sexually tempted since I last talked to them and how I handled the temptation. Accountability is only as good as my honesty and transparency, though.

And speaking of temptation, that’s been pretty tough this week, especially in the last two days. I haven’t looked at porn or masturbated at all since I attended Every Man’s Battle (I only mention them together since they went hand-in-hand in my experience, as almost a daily occurrence). But I’ve caught myself again and again indulging in fond memories of a former lover. During the day I deflect my thoughts of her as soon as I realize I’m having them, but they are persistent. Sometimes I feel a sadness and sense of loss when she comes to mind: I miss her. And last night I dreamed about her all night long. Nothing sexual about the dream, per se, but throughout the night I saw (and felt) visions of struggle with conflicting feelings of wanting to embrace her and get her alone, while at the same time desiring to walk away from her forever.

I’ve found I have to be careful about web sites I visit, especially on Journalspace.com, where I host another journal. A lot of ladies there (even some Christian women) post provocative, intentionally salacious pictures of themselves that have created a familiar inner tension in me that can lead to stumbling. Basically I’m limiting myself to the journals and web sites I know are safe.

I’ve had about 50/50 success with “bouncing” my eyes, a technique I learned at the seminar. It’s pretty simple, really. A man’s eyes are the entrance to his mind because men are very visual, especially when it comes to sexuality. What enters his mind and takes root there can affect his behavior.

All of us have eyes that we’ve trained to seek the sexual. When we’re sitting at a stop light, we look around to see what cutie might be driving next to us. When a woman bends over to pick something off the ground, our eyes automatically gravitate to her. We’ve been taught by our culture that this is normal behavior, and maybe it is in terms of an “everyone does it, so why can’t I?” mentality. But it's not God’s desire for us, and it brings us no peace. God never intended us to have heat-seeking eyes. So “bouncing” is about developing a habit of looking away when our eyes or minds are suddenly violated by something impure or out of sync with God’s purpose and intention.

So when I see something sexual or enticing that’s not my wife--be it a billboard, a beachcomber in a bikini, a blog entry about a woman sunbathing or having sex, a waitress with nice cleavage leaning in front of me to write my order on her notepad, a woman in church wearing shorts that are too short--I want to bounce my eyes away from her onto something else.

The process is truly difficult right now. Not just in terms of pursuing purity, but the whole package of life. I’m hopeful though. My faith is not in “what” I believe, but in “Whom.”

For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day. 2 Timothy 1:12

I am dependent on Him.