First Steps

I finally have a purpose for this journal.

Here’s what I won’t be using it for. I won’t use it in some fabulous writing pursuit, or to impress anyone with my words or thoughts. In the past, writing has left me feeling empty because the mere expression of misery does not equate to satisfaction or fulfillment in life, no matter how creative or beautiful the form of expression. Man, have I been miserable. And it’s only just in the last few days that I’ve started to catch a small glimpse of why. In the past week God has enabled me to look back on my thirty years and for the first time see things I was unaware of in my experience, twisted things He wants to set straight in my life.

But I’ve recognized that writing and online journals have become just another self-distraction to me: something that holds me (and others) back from achieving eternal destiny. Which simply stated is this: to know God and spend my life loving Him, and to love others by pointing them to Him, too.

So in this little unknown part of the web, no fancy stuff. No frills. Just a guy on a search. I have the freedom of not caring what you think of me because I am not seeking the approval of man. (Or woman, thank God.)

This past weekend, I was more or less forced to attend an Every Man’s Battle seminar in Sterling, Virginia. The conference dealt with issues surrounding sexual purity from a Christian standpoint. The literal translation of Psalm 32:6 reads, “Let everyone who is godly pray to You in a time of finding out.” The conference was just that for me–a time of discovery. Agonizing discovery, like debriding a wound.

In facing some of the reality concerning my situation in the past several years (addiction to fantasy, pornography, compulsive masturbation, and extramarital affairs both emotional and physical) I came to realize three things, which will probably take me a long time to process.

1. I am a sex addict. I’ve used sexual thoughts and behavior the same way an alcoholic (like my late father) uses booze: to numb pain.

2. Related to and superceding that, I am not an honest, transparent person. Even in those few rare moments when I’ve told the truth to my wife or pastor, I usually had to be “cornered” first, I didn’t tell the complete truth, and I didn’t do so with the right motives. This is a critical issue because it’s a root cause of a lot of other problems, including number 1 above.

3. Where I had given up hope that these things could ever change, I now truly believe that God is able and willing to help me overcome these things so I can live differently. To some degree I’m like a fish who’s just learned God wants him to be an eagle: life in the murky depths is all I’ve ever known and any other life seems foreign and impossible. But I can look back on the past six months of my life and I know–-I know–-that God engineered the perfect circumstances (though very painful) to bring me to this place of “finding out.”

This will be the place where I record the process. Someday I’m going to look back on this period of my life and remember, “That’s the pit God brought me from.” And He didn’t do it because I deserved it or because I had to be made worthy or because I did everything right: He did it because He loves me and I’m His son.

“You are my Son; today I have become your Father.” (Acts 13:33)