The extramarital relationship I entered five years ago was marked, not by mere sexual cravings and experience, but by a deep and stubborn emotional bond to the woman I loved. Stubborn, I say, because it is still present inside me, and I struggle to deny it every single day. Not in terms of its existence within my heart, but its validity. I have no right to love any woman but my own wife. I have no right to desire another man’s wife (or future wife) no matter what the plane, be it physical, spiritual, or emotional.
This morning I awoke from a dream of her, but it was not a sexual dream. In the vision I was merely trying to talk to her, embrace her, and tell her I still care deeply for her. My wife was nearby as I engaged this quest to get a moment alone with my friend, and when I finally embraced the woman, I couldn’t enjoy the hug because I was looking in all directions for my wife to come appearing out of nowhere, catch me with the other lady, and lower the boom.
What we deny by day, we dream by night.
I woke up discouraged and disturbed. It makes no sense to me how I could still be having such a hard time when I haven’t even seen this girl in nine months. I’m impatient. I want the storm of conflicting emotions to pass. I want to get through a day without having to battle my own thoughts of wondering how the other woman is doing, worrying about her, or wishing I could talk to her. I’m frustrated because I know none of this is about her, my wife, my many disappointments in life, or any other outside thing: it’s about me. I'm angry, and weary of having a broken heart.
The battle for purity is a contest for the mind, and in the warfare I am--as ever--my own worst enemy.
The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)
The night is almost gone, and the day is at hand. Let us therefore lay aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts. (Romans 13:12-14)
But you, man of God...pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith... (1 Timothy 6:11, 12)
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Knowing this is one of the reasons I find it difficult to even think about writing about stuff. I suppose it's still fresh because I know in your mind it's partially there. Sigh.
I wish there was some way for both of us to just be done with dealing with all this and move on.
This comment is for both of you. It has taken me three years, a broken marriage, more unfaithfulness, a rebroken marriage, and about as much spirit stomping as a person can endure for me to get over "my friend." Sitting here, at this moment, I still feel twinges of pain. At the same time, I am deeply in love with Tyson and only desirous of a relationship with him. It doesn't make much sense that I could still feel anything about the other, but I do. It's now come to a point that there's not a constant need for denying myself in that regard because God's transformed me. But there is still a scar that can be a bone of contention between Tyson and I. I don't talk about it with him, and I don't ask about the girl he was with. It's not that I'm mad. It just hurts like hell. We're both in it for the duration, scars included.
I don't think you ever stop dealing with it in some respects. But hopefully there's a level of forgiveness. I know I've forgiven Tyson. I believe he's forgiven me. There are still healing wounds, however. Deep hurts take time.
I've been struggling with similar stuff lately. I don't understand why it has to be so hard. I can't talk to Jared about any of this kind of stuff because he just blows it all off. Maybe that is his way of dealing with it, but sweeping crap under the rug only makes it more difficult for me. I'm sure he'll read this, but oh well the truth is the truth.
I don't know what it is, but this last week has been a bad one. :(
I'm praying for you, brother.
All I can say is...I hope it gets easier. I pray that it does. It's hard when truth and feelings don't mesh, especially when it lasts for a long time. It's really exhausting.
yep. exhausting is the perfect word. and then there are the moments of uncertainty that are awful. and the fear that seems to creep in at weird times. it sucks.
but it does get better. it really does. just takes a heck of a long time and daily denial and forgiveness of the other person and one's self too.
btw, C...him blowing it off is prolly cuz he just doesn't know how to deal. It's generally a guy thing. We wanna talk, and they wanna just get away from it. Don't be mad at him. It's not a character flaw. It's one way that men and women are just diff. Eventually, I hope and believe, we find a middle ground to meet one another on.
I'm not mad at him for it lol, but it sure does get frustrating sometimes. ;)
I am just happy to finally see some real Christians in this world. (You guys) People who admit their not perfect and are willing to listen to God and help others while God is helping them.
Do you think if your wife had totally dropped you after you cheated, that you'd have been with this chick today? Or would you just be kicking yourself in the face for ruining your marriage?
I admire you for being honest with yourself
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