A Voice of One Crying

Wisdom and the Whore

2011-08-16T19:33:00.004-04:00

This is something I recorded this past Sunday, August 14, 2011.

Bible Study, November 23, 2008

2008-11-25T04:51:00.000-05:00

Bible Study, November 23, 2008

Matthew 13:18

Jesus explains the Parable of the Sower to His disciples; He later explains the parable of the Tares. When they ask, He expounds (though He does not do so for the multitudes).

Vs 19 - Though we perceive information with our mind, Jesus says the Word falls on the heart. The heart is where decisions are made and where faith operates, not with the mind. (See Vs 15: “understand with their heart”)

“...in whose case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.” 2 Corinthians 4:4

Vs 20-21 - WHEN, not “if” affliction arises because of the WORD (not because you’re a jerk or are trying to force people to be like you).
- Note: Sometimes we are caused to stumble by situations we don’t understand. Sometimes God doesn’t seem to make sense. Jesus isn’t talking about a person who questions God (like Job, Abraham, Moses, David, Elijah, and many prophets did), but a person who falls completely away from faith because of adverse circumstances.

Vs 22 - Discuss: What is the “worry of the age?” What is the “deceitfulness of riches?”
- These things render the Word unfruitful in our lives.
- The worry of the world/age refers to personal worries, family worries, national worries, whatever vies for our attention and causes us to fear. These are the “thorns” which entered the world as a result of sin. (Political parties in the recent election, for example, used fear as a motivating factor in trying to get you to vote for a certain candidate. The current economic crisis is a “worry of the age.”)
- The deceitfulness of riches refers to the spiritual apathy that results when people live to pursue wealth. They have passed from the “worry of the age” to believing a lie about the security of money. This chokes the Word as much as care did. (Sodom and Gomorrah were wealthy, God warned the Israelites that they would grow apathetic when they entered the Promised Land and built homes and grew vineyards, the Laodicean church said they were “rich and increased with goods” and yet the Lord was outside of their fellowship.)

Vs 23 - 100, 60, 30 - percentages of increase.

Vs 24 - A second parable comparing the Word of God to “seed.” In the Sower, Jesus discussed oppositions to the Word that come at a personal level, and have to do with personal choice. Here He discusses opposition on a larger scale, as an enemy faction that seeks to destroy the purposes of God.
- Genesis 1:29-31 Then God said, I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food. And it was so. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.
- “Good seed,” is pure seed, with other kinds of seed removed. It is the Gospel without mixture, the Truth given in Love.
- Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. - John 12:24

Vs 25 - While men were sleeping - an allusion to the failure in the Garden of Eden. Are we sleeping? Are we at ease when we should be on watch (1 Peter 5:8)? The enemy comes when we are off-guard.
- “his enemy” - This speaks of a subtle, concentrated effort against the Lord as Creator.
- Q: Can Satan uproot a believer? A: Absolutely not. He can only attempt to frustrate you through his agents, the “tares.”
- “tares” - probably darnel rye, a poisonous weed, whose roots became entangled with the roots of the wheat
- “wheat” - Wheat was essential to making bread, which was a staple food in Jesus’ time.

Vs 26 - As the wheat from the “good seed” is growing, the tares become evident.
- Q: How do “tares” manifest themselves in the world around you?
A: In poisonous people. (Unequal yokes, vindictive, angry or wounded people, false teachers/prophets, people who are unwitting intermediaries for the evil one; 2 Tim. 2:26.)

Vs 27 - Q: Have you ever been tangled in someone else’s mess? Have you ever questioned the Landowner?
- Q: What would happen if God always quickly uprooted every thing and person in your life who caused you difficulty?
A: There would be no opportunity to learn faithfulness and maturity. Even Satan in the Garden had his purpose.
- God will uproot the weeds in His time.

Vs 28-30 - “First the tares.” At the point where the wheat and darnel were budding, the buds of darnel would be removed and burned to prevent re-infestation or mixture into the harvested wheat. The tares are removed while the wheat remains.
- Now we are obscured, but the day will come when the sons of God will shine with the brilliant reflected light of their Father. (Romans 8:19)

Vs 31, 32 - A third parable concerning a seed. Note: a seed. One. Small in the eyes of the world, but of greatest significance to the believer’s heart.
- Q: Are you minute, small? When Jesus fed the 5,000, how much did they have on hand to complete the task?
A: The point of this parable is that it doesn’t matter how little you have. What matters is where you place what you have, Who your faith is in.
- It “becomes a tree,” mutates, grows to immense proportions related to its beginning. (Cf. Psalm 1 - “a tree planted by the rivers of water,” and elsewhere (Isaiah?), “trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord.”)
- “the birds of the air” - a reference to the Gentiles being grafted into God’s plan, but also to the fact that our experience and growth in the Lord provides rest, shelter, and comfort to others.

Vs 33 - Leaven is usually a symbol of sin in the Bible (Galatians 5:9: A little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough.), but here Jesus uses leaven positively. Each of the three “seed” parables had to do with a man. This parable is about a woman, a wife performing her normal function in making bread.
- The “woman” symbolizes service and submission.
- “Three measures” of meal symbolizes impartation to the whole life: body, soul and spirit.
- “hid” (For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:3)
- Point: it takes a small amount of yeast to affect a large amount of flour.
- This is a picture of putting faith into action. It is not enough to simply hear the Word. We must take practical steps to receive the truth into our lives.

Vs 34, 35 - Parables reveal truth to those who are open to receive it, but hide truth from the hard-hearted.

Vs 36: - If Jesus’ disciples didn’t understand, odds are the multitude didn’t understand, either.
- Q: Would Jesus have explained this further if He hadn’t been asked?
- Q: Do you have any particular passage of Scripture that troubles you because you don’t understand what it means? What is your attitude when you encounter difficult truths? Do we ask?

Vs 37: Jesus doesn’t rebuke them, but unfolds the parable to them plainly.

Vs 38-43

Vs 44: - Q: Have you ever found a valuable item (jewelry or money) in a public place?
- “a treasure hidden” (Colossians 2:2 “...Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.”)
- People buried valuable possessions in Bible times to protect them from theft. (Do not lay up for yourselves upon earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. - Mt. 6:19). This parable is a first-century version of winning the lottery. The text implies the man found the treasure by accident. He recognized its value, and was willing to part with everything else in his life in order to gain possession of it. Do we value the Lord?
- Revelation 3:18 - I advise you to buy of Me gold refined by fire, that you may become rich, and white garments, that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes, that you may see.

Vs 45-46 - Pearls were not farmed in Jesus’ day as they are now. There was no diving equipment. Pearls were extremely rare and difficult to find, and were therefore immensely valuable.
- The merchant is “seeking.” Where the man in the field found his treasure by accident, the merchant is intent on finding something of great value.
- Psalm 27:4 - One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to meditate in His temple.
- Everyone is seeking “goodly pearls.” (Wealth, health, education, jobs, homes, etc.) But Jesus is the pearl of great price.
- Q: What am I seeking?

Vs 47-50 - A dragnet is pulled along the bottom of the water, and picks up everything. Separation comes at the end. (A similar point as the parable of the Tares.)

Vs 51 - Q: Is it possible that the disciples fully understood “all these things?”

Vs 52 - This is a perfect summary of the kind of teaching Jesus has been giving them: timeless truths delivered in fresh ways, treasures new and old.
- “the head of a household” refers to a man paying for services regarding the affairs of the house, keeping the treasure safe until it is needed. He brings out some of last year’s dried fruit or wine, and some of this year’s grain for the benefit of visitors. He would not, like the scribes of Jesus’ day, use his treasure (knowledge) for power and prestige.

Vs 53-58 - Jesus returns to Nazareth (where He was once rejected); this was His last stop in his hometown during His lifetime.
- Jesus was in no way limited or powerless because the Nazarenes didn’t believe in Him. He “did not many miracles there” because miracles are of no value unless people have faith. Miracles will not change unbelieving people’s minds.

Starving Jesus--40 Days of Nothing

2008-09-23T04:47:00.000-04:00

Just bookmarking this for myself so I can watch it later.

The Bentley Affair

2008-08-16T10:07:00.005-04:00

Todd Bentley and his wife have separated in the wake of what the Fresh Fire Board of Directors have called "an unhealthy relationship on an emotional level with a female member of his staff."

From ReligionNewsBlog.com:

J. Lee Grady, editor of Charisma, a magazine for Pentecostals based in Orlando, said Tuesday the news of Bentley’s marital troubles would likely further polarize those following the revival.

“A large segment of the movement has been skeptical from day one. They’re going to see this as a natural progression. Others who have been following Todd are going to be spiritually shipwrecked. We’ve most definitely seen through this revival a lot of people are not grounded in Scripture, so for them, it won’t be an issue,” he said.

Other interesting viewpoints expressed here.

Hebrews 2:17, 18; 4:15

2008-08-12T05:31:00.002-04:00

Therefore, He had to be made like His brethren in all things, that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For since He Himself was tempted in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted.

For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.

1 Timothy 4:13-16

2008-08-06T04:17:00.002-04:00

Until I come, give attention to the public reading of Scripture, to exhortation and teaching. Do not neglect the spiritual gift within you, which was bestowed on you through prophetic utterance with the laying on of hands by the presbytery. Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your progress will be evident to all. Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you.

1 John 3:16

2008-07-08T04:49:00.001-04:00

We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.

Dream, 6-22-08

2008-06-22T07:08:00.012-04:00

I have had prophetic dreams in the past, by which I mean I’ve dreamed about future events that have taken place. In one case, I dreamed a teenaged girl I was working with had an accident on the road and flipped her car. The next day I told her I’d dreamed about her and we both laughed. When she left work I said, joking, “Be careful on them roads, wild girl.” She called about a half hour later to tell me my dream had come true.

Earlier in my life, when I was about 15, I dreamed about two women who attended my parents’ church. In the dream they murdered my parents, put their flesh in a stew, and began eating it. They stood over the big boiling pot like witches over a cauldron, stirring constantly. (No doubt the recipe for boiled preacher calls for constant stirring...ha ha ha.) I told my father about the dream and he said, “That is from the Lord.” At the time these two women were gossiping and stirring up a lot of trouble in the church, brazenly declaring their superior spirituality. They caused a tremendous rift and many in the church left as a result.

Another time I dreamed that my family suddenly had to move away from our favorite home in Southern Maryland. I told my parents about the dream. A week later, my mother told me my dream was coming true, as we were going to have to move. (To Delaware, as it turned out.)

I don’t talk much about things like this because the church--and I mean especially Pentecostal and Charismatic churches, here--is so far off track as far as God’s Word is concerned that they mistake things like this for spirituality, or place visions, dreams, angelic visitations, gold fillings and mystical experiences in higher regard than they should be placed. People erroneously (and sometimes subconsciously) think we need two or three dramatic confirmations about things God has already declared. And they forget that God will allow a “false word” or a lying prophet to show up to prove His people: that’s why a story found in 1 Kings 13 has always fascinated me.

Anyway, last night I slept with the kids in a tent we’d purchased to go camping in. (We set it up this weekend for a kind of dry run, just to be sure we know how to set up a tent and sleep in it before we get somewhere else and realize we’re idiots.) Before I went to sleep I was thinking about Jacob at Bethel, on the lam, sleeping in the open air with a rock for a pillow when he saw the vision of the angels ascending and descending the ladder.

The Dream

In the early morning hours, I had this dream:

Our church’s former assistant pastor was officiating a service at our church. I was sitting in the back, not really participating in any of the events taking place (like normal). Presently I became aware of a serious disturbance outside the sanctuary and rushed into the hallway. When I got to the hallway, all was dark and quiet. The doors in the hallway were closed. I opened the door of the nursery (the first door on the left), and there were several dead men on the floor, face-down. I could see the blueness of their necks and hands, and blood blossoming out from wounds underneath their fallen frames.

I closed the door and went back to the sanctuary. When the assistant pastor stepped off the podium and began to take a seat, I went over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. I told him softly, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but all your brothers are dead.”

He was visibly moved and at the point of tears as we walked to the nursery together and I opened the door. But the dead men had changed to several children I recognized from the church. They were lying in the same way, face-down, and they were dead, but also hogtied and gagged.

When I awoke, the picture of bondage and death in the dream left me feeling a little freaked out, but the meaning seemed obvious. I’m not sure what, if anything, God’s trying to tell me with it, considering it’s old news.

The Meaning

This would be clear to anyone who knows the history and current situation at our church, but I figured I'd offer a few lines about the symbolism of this dream.

The assistant pastor of our church was appointed and dismissed from service under dubious circumstances, without the blessing or input of the congregation or any communication whatsoever before the events occurred. He was not even a member of the church before being placed in his "pastorhood," which caused offense from the very start. This put him in a difficult position, and he often felt isolated and unsupported. He left as quickly as he came, causing many hearts (including mine) to grieve and question how his situation was handled from start to finish. He was a central figure in my dream.

Over a year ago, a men's group was started at our church with the understanding that the men were disconnected and inactive as members of our church. We felt that something needed to be done to rectify this problem: men needed to be unified to do the work of the Kingdom together, to lead and direct the spiritual pursuits of their families and the church. Consequently, questions were raised about how the former assistant pastor came to be placed in his position, how he came to leave it so quickly, and how our church chooses leaders to begin with. Questions were also raised about the role of women in church (though it was obvious that the role of MEN in church was the first thing to be worked out). As these two issues were confronted, a disintegration occurred, and the Word of God proved to be the dividing line.

The men were face-down in the nursery, bleeding; these were the "brothers" who were dead. The nursery symbolizes a place where new life learns to function, where little kids play, build things, fall down, laugh and cry. In this formative place, at the cusp of a world of new discovery, the men were wounded and silenced.

On the second visit to the nursery, the men had turned into children from the church. This speaks of the effect the silence, wounding, and demonic resistance toward men as leaders has on the next generation.

Cautions I've been thinking about.

2008-06-16T04:45:00.002-04:00

If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder, and the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them; thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul. ~ Deuteronomy 13:1-3

And he said, Hear thou therefore the word of the LORD: I saw the LORD sitting on his throne, and all the host of heaven standing by him on his right hand and on his left. And the LORD said, Who shall persuade Ahab, that he may go up and fall at Ramothgilead? And one said on this manner, and another said on that manner. And there came forth a spirit, and stood before the LORD, and said, I will persuade him. And the LORD said unto him, Wherewith? And he said, I will go forth, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets. And he said, Thou shalt persuade him, and prevail also: go forth, and do so. Now therefore, behold, the LORD hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these thy prophets, and the LORD hath spoken evil concerning thee. ~ 1 Kings 22:19-23

Conformity

2008-06-16T04:13:00.002-04:00

I have no plans of trying to become the waffling, sissypated, sniffle-snaffle milktoast man they’re really hoping to see. Does that mean I'm unteachable, that I lack wisdom, that I'm proud? I hope not. I just want to be conformed to the right image.

For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren. Romans 8:29

Forgiveness

2008-06-16T04:09:00.001-04:00

I was pretty lazy on Saturday, and at one point I found myself watching some kind of weird show on one of the major networks about forgiveness. It wasn’t a Christian show at all, but I’d been thinking about all the chaos in church and people I respect acting...well...not the way I’d expect grown men to act. I’ve been going around in a funky stew for weeks because of cover-ups, lies of omission, denials, fraud--all the stuff I hate about myself and my history that I’ve seen in our church environment lately. Besides not knowing what to do or say in the wake of it all, I’ve been feeling downright pissed off.

So anyways, I’m watching this show called Choosing to Forgive, and it’s testimonies of these people from different faiths and walks of life who’ve suffered some horrific trauma and have chosen to forgive the person(s) responsible for their loss and anguish.

The Lord commanded us to forgive because forgiveness is about our freedom. Forgiveness is for the wounded first, and for the perpetrator second. Forgiveness sets me free even if people don’t realize they’ve offended me, even if relationship is impossible.

Anyway I realized while watching that show that I needed to forgive the people who didn’t listen, or judged me, or said they needed my input but really didn’t want it, or hid themselves behind a spiritual mask, clutching their fig leaves, or are just plain obtuse, or said they care but never bothered to ask how I’m doing. I don’t have to understand these things. A thorough analysis would bring no real peace.

The only thing to do is to choose to forgive, and ask the Lord to keep my heart soft toward others. He loves them despite their shortcomings, same as He loves me.

Don’t Know About You, But I Am Un Chien Andalousia

2008-06-15T19:26:00.002-04:00

The men’s meetings at church have been abolished by the leadership. Only God knows why. It probably has something to do with me and my trenchant, odious mouth. There was a lot of talk, that’s all. High talk. Nothing of substance. Flatulence. Finest vanity I’ve seen in my whole short life.

Now: silence, wondering, and more dreaming.

Something going on in Florida proved to be a sad distraction away from what God was saying to the group, to the important issues being brought to bear in the hearts of men on the local level. There is so much I would like to write about the Florida thing, but I won’t. Suffice it to say that a temporary miracle (they are all temporary) is not as important as the message of the cross: sinful man, blood atonement, wonderful Redeemer, and Him crucified. Any great “move of God” that isn’t ensconced in a message of repentance, godly sorrow and the Cross is questionable, miracles or not. That’s what defined the movements of the Wesleys, Jonathan Edwards, George Whitefield, Charles Finney, and D.L. Moody, as well as (obviously) the message of the apostles and prophets. I haven’t heard much of that coming out of Florida. It surprises me how long Todd Bentley can talk without ever getting into the Word. I like what Gamaliel said: “If this counsel or this work be of men, it will come to nought: But if it be of God, ye cannot overthrow it; lest haply ye be found even to fight against God.” On the other hand, I won’t favor Gamaliel’s counsel over Jesus or Paul or John. False prophets are out there, and they prophesy--they don’t churn butter. False teachers teach. Things have to be questioned, proved, tested. Jesus said people would stand before Him proclaiming miracles they did in His name, and He would say “Depart from Me, I never knew you.” There has to be more than emotions and miraculous signs.

And anything God says or does in the church-at-large should not detract from what He is stirring at the local level. This is where I feel we crashed and burned.

More than ever I wonder what I’m doing, what my purpose is, why I go to church. The church is in as much of a dark age as those precipitating the appearance of John the Baptist and Martin Luther, but as in Laodicea there is no acknowledgment or recognition. Sometimes I feel like the only one awaiting not a great end-time revival, but a great falling away. I am weary of this world: I want to see Jesus.

And I also wonder why God doesn’t always give an answer or bring clarity. There was no divine intervention or obvious “present word” when Paul and Barnabas argued over John Mark, or when the early church debated whether Gentiles should be circumcised. They just had to hash the thing out and sometimes division resulted.

There was extreme drama in the family for the past few weekends. My mother has sold her house in North Carolina and is moving to upstate New York, where she was born. My siblings are not on speaking terms.

The guy I’ve been training for the past four months quit last week after being disciplined by our supervisor. He was a mere eight days from taking his driving test, and he was definitely ready to pass it. Nice kid. I miss him, especially since I don’t have his help anymore and my days last week were all 12+ hours. I felt bad that he quit, since he’d worked so hard for so long and was on the verge of getting his Class A license.

I am waiting, holding myself before the Lord in every sphere: job, vocation, finances, church, living situations, relationships. I was thinking this morning that no matter where I have been in life He has always been present, has always given me hope. The early church sang this song:

If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.

Well Shut Mah Mouf...

2008-05-17T18:57:00.000-04:00

Insane week. I took Tuesday off because I was sick all last weekend, probably from working in downpours on Friday and gale-force winds and rain the following Monday. Plus my aunt (Dad’s sister) was in town with my uncle and two of my cousins. We went and met them in Rehoboth for lunch. I got tired of them quick. My aunt has the focus and clarity of ten wadded strings of old Christmas lights. She was telling me about my two cousins (both female) living with a guy in their apartment in D.C. At least one of them sleeps with him.

“Three’s Company,” I remarked. “Remember that show?”

She laughed and then said, “Well, society might say they should get married but we’re very liberal, me and Jack. We always thought the best thing to do was to let them find their own way.”

“Mmmm,” I said, tight-lipped. I was thinking society doesn’t want them to get married at all...unless they’re gay. Later on she told me about how much she likes reading C.S. Lewis. Stupid. Four hours in their presence was enough to hold me another couple of years. It also made me miss my father somewhat.

It’s not that they aren’t nice. They are. They just seem confused and I felt sort of sick and hungover and out of sorts talking to them.

Then yesterday, Friday, I had the chance to work in the pouring down rain all day again, and today I woke up, had some coffee, finished a novel I’ve been reading about soldiers on the front lines with the Israeli Defense Forces (Matches, by Alan Kaufman), did some shopping for a motorcycle online, mowed the grass, took a shower, felt nauseous, laid down, took a nap, and woke up with a fever.

This week at men’s meeting I made a guy so angry he ruptured a blood vessel in his eye. Me and some others asked questions about some concerns we’ve had and were (nicely and indirectly) told to shut up.

I’m not sure what do about it. I put so much mental energy and prayer and thought into the thing, and now it seems like it was all in vain. I suppose I’ll go to maybe one more meeting before I stop wasting my time and just go back to using Sunday mornings to write notes and letters in my composition book.

I don’t like being the guy who, with honest words, makes people bust veins in their head. Let them have what they want, I say. Maybe in the future I’ll be more careful about casting pearls before swine.

On my mind this morning...

2008-04-29T04:55:00.000-04:00

In today’s church, personal experience is held in higher regard than what God says. Everyone has his opinions, his perspectives, his iniquities. The enemy’s relentless attack on the family and the unity of the church has left us stupid and unguarded, yet full of strange conceit. In my church, this manifests as a subconscious pride in being “charismatic” or Spirit-filled. “Well, at least I’m not a Methodist or a Catholic or a fundamentalist.”

If we (the American church) knew what God says about children, would we still make it a goal to prevent birth?

Why is it the norm for Christian mothers to work outside the home?

Why do Christian men avoid church, or slink away from the consequences of truth while they’re in church?

Why isn’t the church telling the truth? Is it because we know that if we start to embrace truth, people will certainly get angry and leave? Does watering down the Word or tiptoeing around God’s perspectives really help anyone? What was Jesus’ example? Paul’s?

We are distracted by what God is saying and doing in other places. Some might think, I wish I could go to the oasis, the place where God is moving, so I could have a refreshing drink. (I’ve thought this before.) But God wants to give us a drink right where we are, and then He wants to slake others through us. Assuming we lived a hundred years ago before television, satellites, Internet, fast mail and easy access to books, how would the local church be spending its time? What would it have to guide its functioning and behavior?

Why are we afraid of questions?

2008-04-28T17:13:00.006-04:00

Let a woman quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet. For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve. And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being quite deceived, fell into transgression. But women shall be saved (preserved) through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint. 1 Timothy 2:9-15

Let the women keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak, but let them subject themselves, just as the Law also says. And if they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper (disgraceful) for a woman to speak in church. 1 Corinthians 14:34, 35

Horrible. Horrible! Passages like these make me wince. I doubt they were surprising, provocative, or controversial in the First Century, though. A patriarchal society was the norm for the Jews and most of their neighbors. A patriarchal society is what God established and ordained, throughout the Word, Old and New Testaments. Here’s the divine order:

GOD

MAN

WOMAN

CHILDREN

Several years ago, I had set my heart on devoting some serious study to the roles of men, women, and children in the home and in church life. I had a lot on my mind--divorce and abortion statistics, the widespread acceptance of preventing life (birth control), the fact that moms are working instead of raising their children. I remember feeling very grieved because the church of Jesus Christ seemed to possess the same attitudes and behaviors as the surrounding culture. Instead of the church affecting the world, the world was affecting the church. These thoughts and prayers were what was swirling around in my spirit just before Inscrutable Girl reached out to touch me for the first time.

Now I am thinking about them again.

Women have gotten used to covering their husbands, instead of the other way around. And men are accustomed to letting women run the works, thinking they’ll somehow escape responsibility, accountability, work. The church is up to its eyeballs in the lie of the culture. The lie is very simple: men as fathers, husbands, and leaders are basically unnecessary.

Masculinity in America is a handicap, a social problem. A boy's inherent maleness needs to be trained out of him, sedated, withered. He needs to learn to be nice, even when that means lying or keeping silent.

God is calling men. He wants men to lead. This isn’t a new revelation. There isn’t going to be any way to compromise what God has said or find a middle ground to make everyone happy. No. Either the church will embrace the plan and purpose of God in humble submission to His strange and marvelous ways, or else it will stagger and reel into bed with Babylon the Harlot.

Paul: “I want the men...to pray.” 1 Timothy 2:8

The Lamb is a Lion

2008-04-21T04:50:00.003-04:00

This is a song by Michael Card, and it's from the first CD I ever purchased with my own money (I think I was about 15). It's been in my head the past month or two.

The Lamb is a Lion

Weak from the journey, the long traveling days
Hungry to worship, to join in the praise
Shock met with anger that burned on His face
As He entered the wasteland of that barren place

Chorus
And the Lamb is a Lion who's roaring with rage
At the empty religion that's filling their days
They'll flee from the harm
Of the Carpenter's strong arm
And come to know the scourging anger of the Lord

Priests and the merchants demanded some proof
For their hearts were hardened and blind to the truth
That Satan's own law is to sell and to buy
But God's only way is to give and to die

Chorus

The noise and confusion gave way to His Word
At last sacred silence so God could be heard

Chorus

Just a bout with diary-a

2008-04-20T19:11:00.000-04:00

I haven’t been updating here much. I’ve been trying to work out some ideas for the manuscript of The Book in my free time, as well as fomenting a bunch of trouble at church, all of which is probably going to go nowhere except to get me in a deeper state of perturbation.

I haven’t cracked my Bible in a week and a half.

I’m currently self-medicating my allergies with shots of Southern Comfort. SoCo does nothing for the sinus cavities, I don’t think, but it does kill brain cells, which might fool my head into thinking it’s fine. Everything’s good up here, man, don’t worry.

My mother still hasn’t landed a job and hasn’t paid her mortgage. This morning on the phone she suggested that maybe I should move down there and take her house. She says she’d move to New York with her sister, whom she always fought with violently. It sounds pretty stupid. I wish I could do it. I’d like to be closer to my siblings. We’re still in Delaware for two reasons: (1) Jessica won’t leave her mother, and (2) God won’t release me from our church. I’m sort of hoping the bouncers of the church (the deacons) will wallop me good and toss me out in the gravel, so I can be free.

But even if they did, I still have friendships here that are valuable. That’s noteworthy because I couldn’t have said that three years ago.

I jogged five miles yesterday morning, and three miles before church today. I’m trying to get back into a healthy lifestyle and stop being such a voluminous dick.

I met with Jerm for lunch yesterday in Salisbury and we had a nice talk. It cannot be disputed that some hearts are being stirred in God’s mellifluous, hidden way. A lot of men are tired of being so sedated and suppressed, and that goes for Christians, non-Christians, Everyman. Something good is about to happen in the church, and I’ve got a feeling it’s going to piss some folks off.

It needs to, maybe. The whole church experience in America is so out of order and out of touch with the needs of men, it’s a circus. A damned circus, really, and I don’t know how much of it can be salvaged. For me the choice is, Am I going to keep dipping in the same safe, stagnant tidal pool I’ve always known, or am I going to jump into the frightening, dangerous white water and let the current carry me where it wills?

Yesterday Jessica ordered the following books for me. I’m so uninspired lately that I took them off an acquaintance’s reading list.

Matches, by Alan Kaufman
The Idiot, by Fyodor Dostoevsky
The Big Sleep, by Raymond Chandler
Farewell, My Lovely, by Raymond Chandler
The Fall, by Albert Camus
On Writing, by Stephen King

Any blog post that uses the words “voluminous” and “mellifluous” is just too prolix. Lord, I’m ashamed of myself.

Sometimes you eat the bar, sometimes the bar eats you...

2008-04-04T04:41:00.004-04:00

My cell phone rang around 10 P.M. two nights ago, and though the ring wasn’t enough to stir my exhausted self from sleep, the little message-waiting bleep did. I listened to the voice mail and it was my mother. She’d been drinking. She wanted me to pray for her because she’d been fired from her job of the past seven years or so. Mean people at work were telling lies about her, people who don’t know as much as she does, but she was sure God would take care of her...somehow. I didn’t call her back because you can’t really get anywhere talking with slobbering, hysterical, wasted folks.

Same tired old bullshit, though. Loop to laughter, fade to black.

God will take care of her. Oy. This from a woman who’s gone bankrupt twice.

I called my sister to see if she knew the real deal, because I know people don’t get fired by social services agencies without committing a crime, or not meeting expectations for a very long time. Teresa thinks it was the latter. She said Mom’s been dropping out of life a little bit at a time, letting her house go, letting her job go, letting herself go. The same way our father did.

At 56, she’s the same age as Dad when he died. I can’t imagine how she is going to find employment in a similar pay range to her old job. She’s already not paying her bills. How will she make her mortgage?

Teresa said she doesn’t think Mom cares anymore.

The thing with my mother: no matter how much trouble and pain she's in, she can never say “I was wrong.” My mother is a perpetual victim, everything bad that happens is because someone doesn’t like her, is picking on her, or not treating her right.

The whole thing has me thinking about how uncommon it is for people to grow up. Maybe that’s what the last post was about, because truth’s been on my mind. Everyone has problems, everyone makes mistakes. But not everyone learns from those mistakes. Some people (and families and churches) just keep riding the same creaking old carousel. Doesn’t matter how sick they get, they’re more afraid of solid ground, so they won’t get off.

A book I enjoyed reading last year was The Glass House, by Jeannette Walls. She captured so beautifully what it’s like to be a child in an alcoholic’s house, the strange contradiction of her mother’s artistic side and her father’s seemingly endless intelligence, wit, and knowledge of the world, while at the same time living in squalor, starving most of the time, moving constantly, being abused, feeling ashamed about things that weren’t her fault, trying to bear the weight of the world, exerting massive energy--even as a little girl--trying to save her folks and make them happy, lying about everything. And thinking, This is the way the world is, this is normal.

* * *

Ten years ago this morning, I watched my first baby come into the world. There is a supernatural aura in delivery rooms. I felt weak-kneed when I saw Beck for the first time; it was overwhelming. I wept. I couldn't stop looking at her little pink frame through my tears.

I've felt the same with all of our kids, but it was most memorable with Beck because she was the first. Jess and I had talked for nine months with anticipation and wonder of "the baby," and how our lives would be when the baby came, and then I could see her on the other side of the delivery room crying as she was being wiped off, a nurse standing over her with a clipboard, recording her APGAR score. She was no longer an unknown, intangible person.

In small form, it makes me think of what it will be like when at last I depart the womb of this world to cast my eyes on the One I have hoped in, and anticipated, and trusted.

"Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed." ~ John 20:29

Truth (Psalm 51:6)

2008-04-03T04:34:00.004-04:00

Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.

The more I live, the more I'm convinced that truth is simple. It's accepting truth, receiving it into ourselves, that is difficult because we are liars; our natural state of being is to be very afraid of truth.

What's more, I know this: we don't acquire truth merely by reading the Bible, talking about it, or listening to a favorite teacher.

For I would have you know, brethren, that the gospel which was preached by me is not according to man. For I neither received it from man, nor was I taught it, but I received it through a revelation of Jesus Christ. ~ Gal. 1:11, 12

The truth is not an idea, even though our religious and intellectual reasonings find comfort--familiar ground--in trying to reduce Him to ideas and concepts. Truth has to be made flesh (John 1:14), it has to make its way into our experience before we can know it, or speak with authority about it (and not as the scribes/lawyers/learned men).

...that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him. ~ Eph. 1:17

1 Samuel 21 & 22

2008-04-01T05:11:00.002-04:00

In chapter 21, David lies on two occasions. Once to Ahimelech the priest (to get some holy pita bread and the big honkin’ sword of Goliath), and once to Achish the king of Gath (to remain in an unkilled state). I wonder why David chose to go to Gath--Goliath’s hometown--toting Goliath’s sword. Seems like the natural conclusion of the Philistines would be just what it was: “Hey, here’s the dude’s been killin’ our people. Let’s squish him like a bug.” So why go there?

Besides that, was it really necessary for him to deceive these folks?

In chapter 22, we get a glimpse of how God’s anointing on David caused serious problems for others. His brothers and his father’s house were dislocated from their homes and forced to flee and wander. Then the priests of the Lord were murdered. Both of these things were a result of God’s plan in David’s life.

The purpose of God in the anointed’s life affects family, friends, the Body of the Christ, even nations. I feel conflicted when I think about it, because I’m afraid sometimes of how God’s dealings with me will “hurt” other people.

My whole life I’ve heard people in church talk about the anointing and being anointed, praying for anointing, etc., always speaking of it in glowing terms. But sometimes I think the anointing doesn’t just mean favor, blessing, and empowerment. The flip side is real, tangible, life-and-death trouble for those we love, for other people of God. It’s a double-edged sword. I confess I’m a little nervous about innocent bystanders (especially family) having to get “blessed” along with me.

“I have brought about the death of every person in your father’s household.” (22:22)

Dreams

2008-03-31T04:49:00.001-04:00

I talked with JR on Friday evening, and then again after church today. Every time we talk I feel like I get a broader perspective on things. (Maybe that’s because we’ve only talked a handful of times in 17+ years of acquaintanceship.) We discussed some stuff going on in our lives, and in church, things we struggle with, etc. and then we got on the subject of dreams. I told him I felt like my dreams and aspirations had been washed away by the relentless waves of life.

He asked me what I think I was put here on earth to do. He said, “What could you do for hours and hours and not even realize time is passing?”

My first thought was, Make love. But I quickly moved on to the next thing, Writing. I was mulling it around in my head without really saying anything when he said, “Whatever that thing is, that’s a passion or gifting that God’s put in you.” He paused, then said, “I’d like to see you writing.”

It was kind of strange, the way he said it.

The Lion and the Bear (1 Samuel 17:36)

2008-03-31T04:29:00.002-04:00

The Lord doesn’t just thrust David into a battle. He brings a time of preparation first, circumstances and encounters that build his confidence in God. David learns something about the Lord before He arranges travel plans down into a valley to confront the bristling enemy.

This is what David learned: “This day the LORD will deliver you up into my hands, and I will strike you down and remove your head from you. And I will give the dead bodies of the army of the Philistines this day to the birds of the sky and the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the LORD does not deliver by sword or by spear; for the battle is the LORD'S and He will give you into our hands.”

David’s confidence was not in his own ability to do exploits, or in any wisdom, strength or “confidence in the flesh.” What he really needed to know to make a public display of Goliath, he learned in the wilderness, in isolation, in unglamourous matters of tending lambs, where no one could see or testify how terrific he was, or even how awesome the Lord was through him.

Samson

2008-03-20T05:07:00.002-04:00

The last judge listed in Judges is Samson, who was unique not because of his character flaws, but because he had no support from the people of God. He had no army behind him to rout the enemy and “clean up” after his exploits.

Samson’s another guy you couldn’t let speak in church because of his taste for tattooed, pierced, bad Philistine girls. But here’s the weird thing: without that “fatal flaw” for those femme fatales, there would have been no battles, no rushing of the Spirit of the Lord upon him, no mighty exploits. His parents tried to detract him from his evil course, but the text says, “However, his father and mother did not know that it was of the LORD, for He was seeking an occasion against the Philistines.”

Because there was no help from the Hebrew populace, there had to be a point of contact with the Philistines in order for Samson to kill them. If he’d been a law-abiding, clean-shaven nice guy, he wouldn’t have “gone down” to those cities to break the Philistine choke.

Samson was a special guy. He was born to a barren woman. God foretold his coming, like he did other (more admirable) characters. From before his conception, God knew him and designated him for a unique calling, which he fulfilled.

God. Go figure. He’s not going to rain fire from heaven on those Philistines, or send some choice locusts or a famine their way. No. He’s going to have a weird-looking dude go down there and engage in multiple dysfunctional relationships, get him good and pissed off, and then rush into him to strike the enemies of God and deliver the nation.

Even his death was unlike anything else in the Bible.

And this guy, this maverick that no good woman in her right mind would even hardly stand to be around, this fornicating, lecherous creep, is going to be listed in Hebrews 11 because his trust was in the Almighty.

The Wars of Canaan

2008-03-18T19:52:00.003-04:00

So the anger of the LORD burned against Israel, and He said, "Because this nation has transgressed My covenant which I commanded their fathers and has not listened to My voice, I also will no longer drive out before them any of the nations which Joshua left when he died, in order to test Israel by them, whether they will keep the way of the LORD to walk in it as their fathers did, or not." So the LORD allowed those nations to remain, not driving them out quickly; and He did not give them into the hand of Joshua. Now these are the nations which the LORD left, to test Israel by them (that is, all who had not experienced any of the wars of Canaan; only in order that the generations of the sons of Israel might be taught war, those who had not experienced it formerly). ~ Judges 2:20-3:2

Today Inscrutable Girl called my cell phone while I was pitching sodas in Seaford, ostensibly to inform me that one of my favorite clients at my old job died this week and the funeral is Tuesday. After that bit of bad news, we talked for about twenty minutes, playing catch-up. Eventually she asked if there was some way she could contact me that wouldn’t “cause controversy,” which being interpreted means, “without your wife knowing.”

Of course there are ways. There are always ways to be secretive and live out miserably long days and sleepless nights filled with lying and tortured guilt.

I was having a bad day at work anyway. Her call came around 11ish and all morning I had been thinking and praying about a situation at church, a major situation that is being downplayed and not being faced head-on. All morning this Scripture was on my lips, both for myself and for the church:

Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. ~ Psalm 51:6

The temptation is there. The temptation may always be there, because I may always have strong feelings for her. Even on the phone, I felt torn between telling her not to call again and trying to get together for lunch. The worst kind of misery is to love someone you can never be with: that kind of pain is beyond human endurance. In time it just splinters you.

I cannot fall headlong again into that sort of agony. And more important, the timing of the thing: that I was alone, feeling sad, feeling overwhelmed, hungry, tired, grieved, angry--and then the phone rang.

I came home and told Jessica about what had happened, because quick confession takes the teeth out of temptation. (Keeping it secret amplifies it.)

People pray for quick and total deliverance, but God doesn’t always grant it. He didn’t relieve Paul of his thorn, whatever it was. We need things to remind us of why we need a Savior, the life of Another. And you just cannot learn warfare in the absence of an enemy.

The wars of Canaan are being waged.

From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and violent men take it by force. ~ Matthew 11:12

Jephthah

2008-03-18T05:00:00.002-04:00

Sometimes men of faith are easy to envision yourself sitting down with to share a beer and a laugh, and maybe even a fight. We couldn’t possibly let them speak in church because of their generally loose and torrid ways, but if we could, it’d be so interesting. Take Jephthah, for example. What a pip.

The sons of Israel said to the LORD, "We have sinned, do to us whatever seems good to You; only please deliver us this day." So they put away the foreign gods from among them and served the LORD; and He could bear the misery of Israel no longer. Then the sons of Ammon were summoned and they camped in Gilead. And the sons of Israel gathered together and camped in Mizpah. The people, the leaders of Gilead, said to one another, "Who is the man who will begin to fight against the sons of Ammon? He shall become head over all the inhabitants of Gilead."

Now Jephthah the Gileadite was a valiant warrior, but he was the son of a harlot. And Gilead was the father of Jephthah. Gilead's wife bore him sons; and when his wife's sons grew up, they drove Jephthah out and said to him, "You shall not have an inheritance in our father's house, for you are the son of another woman." So Jephthah fled from his brothers and lived in the land of Tob; and worthless fellows gathered themselves about Jephthah, and they went out with him. ~ Judges 10:15-11:3

Oh, yeah. Here’s your model of faith, your paradigm of hope, your answer to prayer. The son of a whore, driven from his home, is coming back surrounded by a lot of reprobate worthless losers to deliver the people of God. And he ends up making a rash vow and sacrificing his daughter.

And THIS guy the writer of Hebrews lists as a hero of the faith (Hebrews 11:32). Jephthah, the outcast, the deliverer, believed God.

Judges 2:10

2008-03-17T16:14:00.003-04:00

The failure of the Hebrews after their entrance into the Promised Land was rapid: one generation.

All that generation also were gathered to their fathers; and there arose another generation after them who did not know the LORD, nor yet the work which He had done for Israel.

And not really one generation, because how could that second generation not know “the work which He had done for Israel,” unless the fathers who took possession of the land did not discuss it as God commanded them? They were supposed to be talking with their children about God’s ways, God’s provision, God’s faithfulness, about God’s beautiful Torah at every opportunity. Every feast, festival, and holy day, every Sabbath, every seventh and fiftieth year, every harvest and springtime, every firstborn, every business transaction: the sum of their lives was intended to be securely bound to remembrance and worship of their God. The Lord prescribed so many interesting things in the law, hoping to inspire dialogue, to grab the hearts and attention of children and give them lifelong memories of worship that inspired and involved all their senses.

But almost from the very beginning, the people settled into the happiness and comfort the Lord provided and forgot Him, just as He said they would.

And it shall be when your son asks you in time to come, saying, "What is this?" then you shall say to him, "With a powerful hand the LORD brought us out of Egypt, from the house of slavery." ~ Exodus 13:14

Church Marathons

2008-03-17T05:05:00.003-04:00

Yesterday church was unusual, not least notably because the service was a whopping 3.5 hours long. Several people seemed to be genuinely encouraged, so I kept my mouth shut. (I’ve noticed that’s a primary way of ensuring joy in groups of people.)

Sometimes my wife surprises me with her questions or comments about things. On the way home I asked her what she was thinking. She said, “I don’t know, you might be offended.” Oh man, that’s how to get me INTERESTED--say I’ll be offended. So I said, “C’mon.”

So she said, “How come every time there’s sharing and opportunity for Body ministry the men don’t have the balls to say anything?”

Lord, I love my wife. I love questions like that. That arrow flew right to its mark. It’s such a good question, because it shows she notices exactly what’s missing.

I had stuff to say. I suspect if other men had been there, they would’ve had things to say. But all the women and children who were floating around on Cloud 9 and even the pastor of the church don’t really want to hear what men have to say as leaders. Some of us are thinking thoughts that are controversial, mold-breaking, shocking, threatening to the status quo, and imminently dangerous in a swooping majestic Dark Cloud sort of way.

Maybe they don’t have the balls because they’ve been snipped. Or maybe they (and when I say “they,” I mean me) are just discontented and rebellious.

So something is missing. We tried to address it before: nothing came of it, especially answers. So rather than stir up trouble, I will remain silent.

The, uh... cough...Elijah List

2008-03-15T19:16:00.008-04:00

This afternoon is the first time I ever looked at the Elijah List website, though I’ve heard of it for years. I think I may puke.

The Elijah List is a haven for a lot of charismatic screwheads who don’t think the Bible is quite sufficient as far as God’s Word goes. These shysters think we must have more. We must be current. We must be relevant. What we need here, people, is more Dr. Suess. Yes, Dr. Suess.

From the Elijah List I have just learned that Horton Hears a Who, far from being merely a clever, enjoyable children’s story, really contains God’s prophetic secret strategy for ending abortion. Now the plan is rather vague, but it has something to do with everyone screaming at the top of his lungs. It doesn’t say what we should bellow, or to whom. Whether we should scream individually or in unison is also unclear. What is clear is that Horton has big ears and a big nose. That, and Christians shouldn’t be Jo-Jos, because Jo-Jos are dubious, lazy characters, and almost as bad as Ho-Hos. Really, folks, God can't get this thing done unless we ALL yell.

Or how about this gem of a hyperlink?

CHUCK PIERCE: "The Pomegranate Represents HEALING, PROSPERITY, AND OVERCOMING!" (Get our Pomegranate Anointing Oil While Supplies Last!)

Yes, folks, if Dr. Suess ain't your thang, we can sell you some anointing oil or a painting or something.

Well-meaning prophets of Baal. Today they’re shrieking, tomorrow they’ll jump around wildly. Who knows, maybe they’ll go all the way and start cutting themselves.

What really bugs me is that I know people from my church take this crap seriously. I can’t believe it. No wonder there is no real vision or word from God. God has allowed us to suffer famine, to be destitute as we run to and fro looking for “words” on the internet and making a mockery of Theodor Geisel, trying to find something to tickle our ears and give us a little spiritual jolt. The God of all the universe loves us, but that doesn’t mean He’ll play our goofy word games or cram Himself into the graven images we've made.

I’m starting to think people would rather have miracles and prophecies and shiny pretty things than Jesus Christ Himself. We’d rather have a show than hear the unadulterated, pure Word of God. We are always looking to the next guest speaker, the next “now word,” the next mountaintop experience.

You know, the church deserves to be laughed at right now. I think Elijah would agree. He’d think his “list” is pure chicanery--he’d probably ask God to destroy the internet on its account.

Sometimes I think it serves us right to not find real satisfaction until we find it in Him, and Him alone. Sometimes I think we deserve our barrenness.

...is it because there is no God in Israel to inquire of His word? ~ 2 Kings 1:16

“Behold, days are coming, declares the Lord GOD, “when I will send a famine on the land, not a famine for bread or a thirst for water, but rather for hearing the words of the LORD. People will stagger from sea to sea and from the north even to the east; they will go to and fro to seek the word of the LORD, but they will not find it. In that day the beautiful virgins and the young men will faint from thirst.” ~ Amos 8:11-13

And the child continued to grow and to become strong in spirit, and he lived in the deserts until the day of his public appearance to Israel. ~ Luke 1:80, of John the Baptist, the prophet who came with a word from the Lord after 400 years of Divine silence

Annas and Caiaphas being the high priests, the word of God came unto John the son of Zacharias in the wilderness. ~ Luke 3:2, of a “voice of one crying in the wilderness”

Joshua 11:20

2008-03-12T04:41:00.000-04:00

For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, to meet Israel in battle in order that he might utterly destroy them, that they might receive no mercy, but that he might destroy them, just as the LORD had commanded Moses. ~ Joshua 11:20

Why didn’t God overthrow the nations Himself, as He did the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, instead of partnering with Israel over an extensive period of time?

So His chosen ones could learn to trust Him, to see that God was for them.

God calls us. God chooses us. He puts His word in our hearts and a sword in our hands. The amazing thing about the story of redemption is that God includes us in His eternal work and purposes. And it is not for His benefit or because He needs our help, but for our good, because we need help.

Deuteronomy 30:11-15

2008-03-10T04:47:00.000-04:00

For this commandment which I command you today is not too difficult for you, nor is it out of reach. It is not in heaven, that you should say, 'Who will go up to heaven for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?' Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, 'Who will cross the sea for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?' But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may observe it.

Foreknowledge of Flimmydiddles (Deuteronomy 31:16-21)

2008-03-10T04:45:00.001-04:00

It’s disarming. God goes to all the trouble of bringing the people out of Egypt, performing miracles and providing for them all along the way, leads them through the wilderness, and gives them this beautiful law, a torah to let them know how to live and love each other, and then at this point in the account He reveals His awareness that the people would not be faithful to Him after they were safe and settled in the blessings He provided. The Lord knew this all along, yet He still went to all the trouble.

Who can understand this? Who would marry himself to a woman he knew beforehand would be unfaithful to him?

At times like this it’s hard to know whether to be encouraged or just plain baffled. This much is clear: God works to make a habitation with mankind for His own sake, not because man is deserving or righteous or faithful.

The LORD did not set His love on you nor choose you because you were more in number than any of the peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples, but because the LORD loved you and kept the oath which He swore to your forefathers, the LORD brought you out by a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt. ~ Deuteronomy 7:7, 8

...but the LORD your God turned the curse into a blessing for you because the LORD your God loves you. ~ Deuteronomy 23:5

2008-03-09T11:24:00.002-04:00

I’ve heard a lot of preachers compare the graven images and false idols of the Bible to modern idolatries. When I’ve considered my besetting sins, I’ve thought of myself bowing down before an Ashera figure or the Temple of Aphrodite or something. But right now I can’t think of a single Scriptural instance where it says the people hated their idolatries. There was an absence of conflict, apparently: they went a-whoring with their whole hearts.

With me not so, Roderigo. Maybe I am a heathen, but I am a torn heathen. I hate my vices.

Deuteronomy 13:4

2008-03-03T03:12:00.001-05:00

You shall follow the LORD your God and fear Him; and you shall keep His commandments, listen to His voice, serve Him, and cling to Him.

Little by Little

2008-03-02T08:01:00.001-05:00

I will not drive them out before you in a single year, that the land may not become desolate and the beasts of the field become too numerous for you. ~ Exodus 23:29

The LORD your God will clear away these nations before you little by little; you will not be able to put an end to them quickly, for the wild beasts would grow too numerous for you. ~ Deuteronomy 7:22

“Nothing can be done except little by little.” ~ Charles Baudelaire

People want everything to be instant, but change cannot come in a moment. God calls us to cooperation in His purposes, to be yoked with Him in the work of the Kingdom, but for a long haul, for a process of transformation. I do not refer to healing or miracles, but to “possessing the land,” to moving into God’s plan and purpose in our lives–-getting to the place He has called us to be the people He desires.

The “peoples” that surround us, the “nations” He will dispossess before us, the weights and besetting sins and pains and inner idolatries are not all swept away instantly. As much as we want it to go that way, it can never be.

We enter the land step by step, moment by moment, a little at a time.

...Wandering in deserts and mountains and caves and holes in the ground...

2008-03-01T21:09:00.005-05:00

A painful evening. Tonight I ran into Inscrutable Girl, and her mother, and her boyfriend, all of whom represent an agonizing couple of pages in the history of my life. At first I was near panic, and in fact I made fast tracks out of the WalMart where the two of us made the realization and quickly looked away to avoid the awkwardness of each other’s eyes.

But I felt her like hot lead in my soul.

I went outside and got in the car and began to pray. When I got home, I went into the back field and looked up at the stars, and shook with crying, and prayed some more.

Nothing is unknown to the God of all the universe. I told Him I love Him more than my family. I told Him I love Him more than Inscrutable Girl. I told Him nothing on earth will satisfy my love for Him. And I told Him I will always love Him. I am an alien and a stranger. He has a friend in the earth.

I had a beautiful, heart-rending, awful, intimate moment with God. And maybe that was His purpose this evening.

Last night I was missing my father quite a bit while looking at a couple of photos that hang on our bedroom wall. One is very iconic in terms of how I remember Dad, and I thought I’d post it here. It was taken at his ordination; he's the one playing the guitar. The character in the center of the photo is Wade Taylor, through whom the Lord made His calling apparent in my life.

Which leads to another prayer in the field awhile ago. I prayed that God would make me a burning bush, a heart aflame through whom He can call others to His purposes, for His glory. These are important times. There are no mistakes.

2008-02-27T04:18:00.004-05:00

Then Moses spoke to the LORD, saying, "May the LORD, the God of the spirits of all flesh, appoint a man over the congregation, who will go out and come in before them, and who will lead them out and bring them in, so that the congregation of the LORD will not be like sheep which have no shepherd." ~ Numbers 27:15-17

The bottom line with the current situation at our church seems to be this: we tried to make a pastor out of a person who never once seemed to be a pastor, and God took action (in the way He so often does) by drying up some pocketbooks.

Things that went wrong:
* The congregation had no prior knowledge of the pseudo-pastor, in terms of truly knowing him or his calling.
* The pseudo-pastor's role was never made clear to the congregation, which led to confusion.
* The pseudo-pastor's calling was openly questioned by members of the church.
* The pseudo-pastor demonstrated no ability to speak with authority or insight into people's lives, no experiential knowledge of the Word of God, no capacity for leadership, and no wisdom or originality when faced with conflicts and problems. Yet he was not immediately removed.

The situation placed stress on the lead pastor, who felt responsible for turning the pseudo-pastor into the real thing; on the wannabe, who really wanted to be a pastor and was having to front like Cinderella's gangly stepsisters when the glass slipper was presented and proved to be eight sizes too small; and on the people who had to suffer through the mess for two years plus.

Okay. So, if the real pastor is called to be an overseer and walk in some other ministry that is outside our local body, then the church needs "a man over the congregation."

No obvious candidate comes to mind. This time around, we need no assumptions or good ideas. We need to be praying, as Moses did, that God will make His choice plain to us.

2008-02-24T07:29:00.004-05:00

Early this morning I was lying on the living room floor, just sort of relaxing and praying, when into my head popped a memory of the first time the Word of God was opened to me in a way that stirred my heart. I was raised in church and heard my parents preach countless times, but when I was fourteen or fifteen my mother took me to a meeting in the D.C. area where a man named Wade Taylor was to speak. Brother Taylor is still alive, still fulfilling his work in the Lord.

Vividly I remember his message from the third chapter of Exodus, this portion in particular:

So Moses said, “I must turn aside now and see this marvelous sight, why the bush is not burned up.” When the LORD saw that he turned aside to look, God called to him from the midst of the bush and said, “Moses, Moses!” And he said, “Here I am.”

Taylor’s preaching that night revolved around the idea that God responded to Moses’ turning aside–“When the LORD saw that he turned aside to look, God called to him...” The Lord waited until He had Moses’ full attention, and then the revelation unfolded. The Lord watched for a response. Taylor intimated that we too have the opportunity to “turn aside” to God, to hear His voice and enter into active participation in His purposes. But without that focus, without turning to gaze, the opportunity may be missed.

Brother Taylor is very soft-spoken, monotone even, and he speaks slowly. He doesn’t tell clever stories or jokes or raise his voice or make wild gestures. By the world’s standard of speaking, he is probably not a good public speaker. But the mystery of the thing is that as he spoke, something was extremely excited within me. It was as if every word he was saying was completely new and fresh: I’d heard the story of the burning bush many times, but I’d never heard such real-life application made as to the meaning of the story to my life. I’d never heard preaching like that.

When I went home that night, I was changed. My view of the Bible had changed. I told my father how “no man spoke as this man spoke,” and he smiled as I related all the revelation I had heard, of “all these deep and insightful things.” (My father was a graduate of Pinecrest Bible Training Center, the school Taylor founded in the late ‘60s.) I prayed to God, "Lord, open Your Word to me the way You do for Wade Taylor. Make it as real to me as it is to him."

In short, that night was a definitive moment, a memorial-place. I can trace the beginnings of my own love of God’s Word, and the style of applicatory, expository teaching that I love, to that one night when I sat under the teaching of Wade Taylor for an hour or two, saw a "burning bush" in my own spirit, and turned aside in my heart to “see this marvelous sight.” And now it has become my prayer that God might use me in the same way.

...and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God. ~ 1 Corinthians 2:4, 5

The remembrance of these things brought a smile to my face.

Three Famines

2008-02-18T04:47:00.002-05:00

There are three famines recorded in Genesis: one during the life of Abraham, one during the life of Isaac, and one during the life of Jacob. Each was integral to the unfolding purpose of God in the lives of the fathers.

In Abraham’s case, he went to Egypt to find food (Gen. 12). There is nothing in the text that says God directed him to Egypt: he just went. While in Egypt, Sarah was taken into Pharaoh’s harem and Abraham’s tendency to lie and cover his ass got everyone into trouble. When they finally went back where they belonged, the family had procured an Egyptian bondwoman named Hagar, who would be the mother of Ishmael and cause a lot of problems.

In Isaac’s time (Gen. 26), he demonstrated that he was Abraham’s offspring by lying about HIS wife Rebekah while in the land of the Philistines. (Chivalrous dudes, here.) And this after God had said, “Don’t go to Egypt, now, like your Daddy did. You stay in the land I’ve promised.” In other words, he was afraid of being killed even after God promised to keep him and bless him.

And lastly we have Jacob, who had to practically be kicked into the land of Egypt. He was unwilling to leave the promised land, choosing to send his sons there and back again to buy grain. God appeared to him at Beersheba (46:2-4) to assure him that everything was going to be fine, and that He would surely bring Jacob back to the land of promise.

Three famines, three generations, three different responses, same God working all things for good to those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.

Jacob’s hesitancy to leave the land is, I think, one example of why God loved him and disliked Esau. For all his faults, Jacob was a man with an eye to the promises of God: he believed what God said. Jacob was willing to deceive his father to receive his blessing. Jacob wanted to wrestle, to contend his way into the eternal blessing. From birth his life was marked by a struggle to become something more than what he was. He honored his parents by not fooling around with the Canaanite women. He refused to be buried in Egypt.

Esau, on the other hand, was carnally minded. He sold his birthright for a bowl of beans. He grieved his parents by marrying the daughters of Canaan and Ishmael. He had no vision, no godly passion, no eye to the future, no treasure of God’s heritage.

Jacob, the rapscallion, was precious to God because he had a heart for something more than just the here-and-now. And God wasn’t ashamed of him or of his dysfunctional fathers.

“I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” ~ Exodus 3:6

Fly, Free Bird

2008-02-16T08:08:00.002-05:00

Then the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, "This shall be the law of the leper in the day of his cleansing. Now he shall be brought to the priest, and the priest shall go out to the outside of the camp. Thus the priest shall look, and if the infection of leprosy has been healed in the leper, then the priest shall give orders to take two live clean birds and cedar wood and a scarlet string and hyssop for the one who is to be cleansed. The priest shall also give orders to slay the one bird in an earthenware vessel over running water. As for the live bird, he shall take it together with the cedar wood and the scarlet string and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the live bird in the blood of the bird that was slain over the running water. He shall then sprinkle seven times the one who is to be cleansed from the leprosy and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the live bird go free over the open field.” ~ Leviticus 14:1-7

It’s my habit to read in the Scriptures nearly every morning (and some evenings), so I intend to use this journal to jot down notes from my readings, but I’ve gotten so far behind in my notes I don’t know what to do. For one thing, I can’t read the Bible if a laptop is humming and shining at me from across the table: it’s too distracting and I want to punch its cycloptic face in. So I’ve been putting notes in a composition book thinking I’ll type them out later, but then I never seem to have time. I suck.

Anyway, it’s Saturday morning and I’m currently in that penultimate page-turner, Leviticus, the third book of the Torah. And like all of God’s Word, it is alive, it is fire, it is food for the hungry. The above text jumped out at me as such an evocative picture of God’s mysterious plan of redemption.

The priest is God’s agent in this affair, he symbolically represents the Lord. He goes outside the camp (condescending, as it were, to the sinner’s level, reaching out to the afflicted in the place of rejection and destitution), toting the sacrifice consisting of two birds, some cedar wood, a scarlet string, and a branch of hyssop.

The scarlet string is a symbol of the blood of Christ. It was a scarlet cord that Rahab the prostitute hung outside her window when Jericho was taken, so that she and her household were saved when God overthrew the city.

God directed the Hebrews to use hyssop branches to smear sacrificial blood on the posts of their doors before the Lord’s Passover. When the Lord killed the firstborn in Egypt, He passed over any house where He saw the blood of a perfect, spotless lamb. After his sin with Bathsheba, David prays, “Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.” (Ps. 51:7)

Wood is always present at a sacrifice, though this is an unusual sacrifice. Wood is necessary for burning. When Abraham offered Isaac, Isaac carried the wood. When Christ offered Himself, He carried the wood (the cross).

In other kinds of ritual sacrifices involving birds, both birds were slain. But this offering differs because only one of the birds was killed; the text says it was slain “in an earthenware vessel over running [Hebrew: living] water.” In other words, the blood of the sacrifice was to be mixed with moving water in a clay vessel. In John 7:38 Jesus says:

He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, “From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.”

And Paul writes in his second letter to the Corinthians (4:7-12):

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death works in us, but life in you.

The offering in Leviticus is a shadow of the work God would perform through the death of Messiah. The death of one bird was only half of the sacrifice, because the other was dipped in the blood and water and then set free. The death of the one made possible the freedom of the other, and the two parts of the sacrifice together paved the way for an unclean man or woman to be reunited with God and His people.

Jesus shed His blood, and we are now the living sacrifice. We are the bird set free.

I urge you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. ~ Romans 12:1

Jacob Have I Loved

2008-02-13T04:29:00.001-05:00

Years ago when I first started reading the Scriptures, I held a primarily Armenian philosophy when it came to man’s salvation. That is, I believed it was up to people to make a choice between God’s ways and their own ways, and that their salvation depended upon that choice.

But the more I read in the Word, the more Calvinist I become. I’ve done recent readings of how God “hardened” the heart of Pharaoh for His purpose (to reveal Himself both to His people and to the rest of the world), how He gave Joseph a vision of the future which caused him considerable trouble and which he did not ask for, and how Jacob the deceiver was preferred in God’s eyes over Esau (Romans 9:13).

These things can’t be explained away by modern Pentecostal/Charismatic theologians, who have a (good-intentioned) desire to keep the focus on people’s choice and personal responsibility.

Could Pharaoh have let the Hebrews go at the first request? Could Esau, the firstborn, have received Isaac’s blessing? Could Reuben, not Joseph, have been the rightful leader of his family? Did any of these people have a choice?

I’m not sure we do, either.

What inner passion compels us to seek God’s friendship and mourn hurting Him? What drives us to seek His face even when He seems contradictory or doesn’t meet our expectations in some way? Is it something of ourselves?

Absolutely not. The choice is not mine, but His. The desires, the prayers, the longings, the deep sighs for God, for reality...these emanate from God Himself within me.

“You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you.” - John 15:16

“...just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us. In all wisdom and insight He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens and things on the earth. In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will.” - Ephesians 1:4-11

Children's Church

2008-02-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

This is just a quick note to myself, because I’m prone to forget why I do things I do. I’m stupid that way, or maybe I just get busy and move on to the next thing in my head.

Anyway, last week during the church service I finally made the decision that I would not have my children going to “children’s church” anymore. It’s something that’s always bothered me, but because they often seem to enjoy the experience I was hesitant to keep them from it. Rebekah especially likes going to children’s church, mostly because of the social aspect of hanging out with other girls.

Here’s the problem. I don’t buy into this idea of telling kids how important they are to the church and then carting them off to a separate room. This is exactly what happened last Sunday morning.

I see no Biblical foundation for the idea of children’s church. Every instance in Scripture, from the tent of meeting in the Torah, to the disciples shooing the little children away and Jesus telling them to knock it off, kids are observed with their parents, hearing the Word of God, seeing the worship, and learning the ways of God, not at some dumbed-down kid’s level, but at the same level as everyone else.

A child’s spiritual tutor from Genesis to Revelation, as prescribed by God, is not a youth minister or children’s church leader. It’s Dad. And Mom too, of course. But Dad is supposed to be leading his family into the worship of God and remembrance of His Word.

“These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6,7)

In other words, the place kids get their spiritual direction isn’t from a weekly hour of watered-down milktoast spew parroted from the lips of a stranger, but from day-to-day life with Dad and Mom.

The American church’s love of “children’s ministry” has grown from the factual necessity that fathers aren’t there.

Bottom line, my kids belong with me and Jessica. Pursuing God as a family is a goal of mine; I’m not into concepts that bring greater separation.

And the second problem is that the pseudo-pastor’s daughter is a snotty, spoiled little priss of a thing and she fosters a clique-y, nasty atmosphere in the place. And I don’t want my daughters learning that behavior or thinking it’s cool.

Bible 1/20

2008-01-20T07:18:00.000-05:00

Genesis 20...Strange Rumblings in Gerar...

Abraham (the father of faith) is once again pissing himself because he's worried that God won't protect him from the people of the land he sojourns in, so he asks Sarah to lie about being his wife. (What a model of resolute trust and integrity.)

And God DEFENDS this lying bad husband. Not only that, He tells Abimelech (who's really sort of innocent in my estimation) to get Abraham to pray for him or else he'll die. So the creep who belongs to God has to pray for the innocent guy, or else.

But this is one of those situations which, in retrospect, couldn't have happened any other way. Abimelech respects Abraham after this event, adds to Abe's already substantial riches, and tells all his subjects to give Abe a wide berth. In other words, God used Abraham's fear and lying as an opportunity to show His favor, both to Abraham and the heathen around him.

Backwards. Far out. Not the way I'd do it. God's ways.

A Couple Thoughts from Job

2008-01-19T06:48:00.000-05:00

I read Job earlier this month and was struck by a couple things--simple things really--I'd never noticed before.

1. Job is the only person among the talking heads (besides Satan) to address God Himself. He often answers his stupid friends' arguments and then immediately moves on to pouring out his questions and complaints to the Lord. Job was a man of relationship. He was familiar enough with God to talk to the Lord, and not just about the far and distant Almighty, after the manner of his friends.

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways to His face." - Job 13:15

2. Strangely enough, though Job was criticizing, accusing, and questioning God, and his friends Elihu, Bildad, and Zophar were seemingly defending God's position--His righteousness, name, deeds, and justice--God, ever unpredictable, was angry at the friends. The religious types mouthing fat and juicy opinions didn't really know God, and He was mad at them for misrepresenting Him.

3. Job didn't know God either. That's really the crux of the book. After it's over, his questions are silenced and there is only this:

"I have heard of Thee by the hearing of the ear; but now my eyes sees Thee. Therefore I retract, and I repent in dust and ashes."

God never once explains the mystery or purpose of Job's circumstances or suffering: in the end He reveals Himself, and that is enough. Job moves beyond a mental understanding, with all its implications of "being a good servant" of the Lord, making sacrifices, praying a lot, teaching his children well, helping the poor, etc., to an experience of El Shaddai.

4. "The words of Job are ended." - 31:40

When the words were expended, revelation came.

5. Satan left Job his wife. Think about it. Ha ha ha.

Bible 1/17

2008-01-17T04:03:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated this journal in a long time and I was thinking about scrapping it, but I might just use it to keep notes to myself from my (almost) daily Bible reading. Just jot down little notes and bits of text that stand out to me or seem interesting. I've never succeeded in reading the Bible through in a year, and I'm not holding myself to that standard this year either, though I do think it's good to have some kind of system. I'm going through chronologically and I've already finished the first 20 chapters of Genesis and the Book of Job.

Genesis 12-14. Abraham wasn't the most obedient, faithful guy. God told him to leave his family, but he took his nephew Lot with him, which caused problems among their herdsmen and ended Lot up in Sodom. Sodom was raided and Abraham fought to save his nephew. Further, Abraham lied about Sarah being his wife and stirred up a lot of trouble.

Genesis 15-18. God makes a promise that He will protect Abraham and give him a "great reward." Abraham says, "What? What will You give me? Because You haven't given me what I really want (and what You already promised)." God says, "But I will, and your seed will be as uncountable as the stars."

Then he believed in the LORD; and He reckoned it to him as righteousness. (15:6)

Belief=leaving it up to Him, letting Him work out the details, trusting that He knows what He's doing. That sort of simple trust God considers righteousness.

Hagar had a personal promise from God before Sarah did. Hagar was not a "mistake:" she was a part of God's plan.

Why the wang? Why did the sign of the covenant have to be circumcision?

And Abraham said to God, "Oh that Ishmael might live before Thee!" But God said, "No..."

A God who makes this kind of determination isn't the God most Christians believe in. Their God is safer, easier to understand. But the God of Abraham says, "No. Ishmael will be blessed and will live for My purposes in the earth, but My covenant is not with him. It's with someone else, the fruit of you and Sarah." God is so politically incorrect and discriminatory.

And the LORD said, "The outcry of Sodom and Gomorrah is indeed great, and their sin is exceedingly grave...[but] I will not destroy [Sodom] on account of the ten."

The outcry. Sodom must have been terribly harmful to people, absolutely reprobate. Men, women, children, and animals falling victim and held captive by the grossest, violent, miserable sins. It was the mercy of God that determined to destroy the cities, mercy to end the suffering for those past the point of turning. And it was the mercy of God to not destroy the cities if even ten righteous souls could be found in them.

Weird Dream 12/17/07

2007-12-17T04:45:00.000-05:00

The morning is cold and the wind outside is roaring through the treetops. My last dream before the alarm was of my dead father...

...he called me on the phone to tell me that the “procedure went well,” as if he was calling from a hospital. I recognized his voice right away. I asked him if he knew the month or the year and he stammered and finally admitted, “No.” I asked him how he was able to make this call (implying, Hey dude, you are dead); again he didn’t sound certain or avoided the question. Everything would be okay, he said, “the answer was in the air.” Jessica was waving at me to get off the phone because she wanted to talk to her mother, who was on call waiting, I guess. I was thinking, How often does my father call, lady?

Prior to that, the dream was of happy times with Jessica and the children.

When I woke up I felt a little spooked, because even in the dream I wasn’t certain that voice was my father’s. I’ve dreamed of him before, but never that his ghost (or some other entity) contacted me. Once I was on my feet and headed for the coffee pot, my thoughts went to the story of Saul’s visit to the witch of Endor. Not that anyone had done any conjuring, nor was the message of the dream specific or clear at all. It was just weird.

Had he lived, my dad would have been 59 years old on this Wednesday, 12/19.

September 17, 2007

2007-09-17T05:22:00.000-04:00

Nothing very insightful or encouraging to report lately, though there have been some good things going on.

For one thing, the people of our church provided us with a very nice vehicle, a Chevy Suburban Pastor John purchased off eBay from some hotshot Yankee who works in big oil. I flew up to Massachusetts on my birthday to bring the thing back. It’s been cared for and all that.

I confessed to the men’s group that having outside parties take care of our transportation needs is something I really don’t like, something very humbling--even frustrating. I try to believe that God will always take care of me and my family, but sometimes I’m not sure He will. There’s a conflict, I guess, because there’ve been times in my life when I didn’t have something I really needed--medicine or clothing, for example. When you’ve suffered lack in some way it seems harder to trust that God is a good father.

The men’s group has become a source of frustration for me. I feel like it’s going nowhere. One problem on my end is that I’m the youngest dude in the group: most of the men have grown children and are established in life. Two of them are even veterinarians, doctors. They don’t seem to be haunted by a lot of the struggles I face, yet I’m the one who’s expected to lead the thing and carry it along. We canceled the Daugherty conference because nearly everyone in the group was dreading it, including me.

Right now I just wish I knew someone my age, in similar circumstances. A guy, of course. Someone I could take a road trip with. I want to go camping somewhere for a weekend and just forget about all the trouble for awhile. I suggested the idea to the men’s group on Wednesday night and they seemed excited, but by Sunday they were rethinking the matter. I was hoping for two nights in Shenandoah Valley over in Virginia, but now they’re saying they want one night at Camp Arrowhead in Lewes, Delaware. Talk about awful. Because they’re getting old and decrepit, I guess.

Ryan is growing nicely. He’s a sweet little boy. Jessica is a near-perfect mother. Rebekah is being an awesome “big sister” this time around--now that she’s old enough to help out with the baby. We’ve never experienced any of the sibling jealousy that’s supposed to be a danger whenever a new baby enters the family.

The HR lady at Pepsi is trying to block Ryan’s health insurance coverage. I’m fighting the thing. Jess and I may even pursue legal options to make sure his medical bills get paid.

I am so tired of Pepsi, so tired of going around in circles. I really hate my job.

I am tired of working so hard, yet never being able to get ahead. I am tired of church. I am tired of God, of trying to be good. I am tired of uninspired people. I am bored with my life.

I have an idea for a novel, if I’m willing to get it going, but I was telling Jessica last night that writing, too, is probably a dead end. Can I work for thousands of hours on something if I’m not sure it will pay off at some point?

Direction, purpose, vision. All the things a relationship with God is supposed to bring are all the things I’m missing. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy, not that happiness has anything to do with anything.

But why?

Meant To Live

2007-08-14T03:55:00.000-04:00

Four A.M.

Had disturbing dreams through most of the night of a girl I loved in easier, unhappy times. She's a ghost now, a shadow in my subconscious, yet she still walks the dusty earth.

Help me, Father, to embrace your will for me today, whether it means comfort or suffering. Protect me from the snares they have laid for me.

I woke up with the chorus of this Switchfoot tune stuck in my head:

Meant To Live

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he’s meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we’ve been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we’re bent and broken, broken

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

2007-08-13T19:21:00.001-04:00

My first day back to work after ten days off was much, much worse than expected. But like most days or events, it could have been worser still.

Sunday morning went fine. People laughed, people cried, one guy fell asleep. But edification was rampant.

I'm getting a toothache in the uppermost molar on the left side of my cranium.

2007-08-11T15:09:00.001-04:00

My sister and her family left a couple of hours ago to make their way back to North Carolina. Their visit was really nice, though tiring (for me). We went to the beach, and to Trap Pond. We destroyed a gas grill, caught Delaware on fire, got wicked sunburns, and killed two troublesome chickens who had the audacity to poop all over our steps and walkway. The kids got along and there were no outbursts or any crazy dramas, which is rare where family is concerned. Rebekah and I shed some tears when they left.

I have to preach tomorrow morning, and I haven’t finalized a message yet. I may go to the church for a couple of hours this afternoon to pray and type out some notes.

Two families in the church were somewhat traumatized yesterday when a young couple who’ve been engaged a long time broke off their marriage...though I guess it’s more accurate to say the groom broke off the marriage, and he did so in a cowardly, hurtful way. I don’t judge him for being an inconsiderate bastard, because I’ve been one at times. But he threw an entire community of family, friends, and most of the members of our church into turmoil. The wedding was scheduled for today, and he told his fiancé last night that he “wasn’t ready” to get married. Of course the bride and her family (our next door neighbors) are agonized and angry.

All that to say, people are going to be coming into the church with that in their hearts and minds. So I’m feeling some pressure. Father, what do You want me to say? What’s on Your heart?

Jess and I have been blessed by acts of kindness and grace this week.

Jesus was a rotten preacher...

2007-08-05T09:49:00.000-04:00

...and He probably would have flunked seminary.

Today I was reading an essay about sermon preparation. Here’s the conclusion:

“Sermon preparation is a five-step process that includes selecting a text, studying the text, developing proper applications, organizing the sermon and preparing for sermon delivery. The preacher begins by selecting a text that relates to the spiritual needs of the audience. A careful study uncovers any timeless principles contained in that text. If a principle is relevant to the audience, the preacher must develop appropriate applications based on that principle and then verify them by personal experience. The material is then organized into an outline that captures the results of prior study and articulates them in terms that everyone can understand. Lastly, the preacher practices sermon delivery to optimize oral communication of the message.”

I read it and a bunch of red flags jumped out. How do we determine whether a text is “relevant to the audience?” What does “personal experience” have to do with truth? Is it really possible to articulate truth “in terms that everyone can understand,” since truth is apprehended by faith and not discerned by the natural man?

By these standards and expectations, the Sermon on the Mount (and most of Jesus’ other teaching) was a beastly failure. He often seemed to have no central thesis, His points did not move logically and topically, He tended to skip around, and a lot of times His answers to people's questions seemed to have no relevance whatsoever.

Most shocking, He spent His ministry talking right over people’s heads, which is unforgivable in Christian circles. People couldn’t understand what the heck He was talking about and He was constantly misquoted and misunderstood. (Nothing really changes.) He was frustrating to listen to. No wonder His poor disciples finally said with relief, “Lo, now you are speaking plainly and not using a figure of speech.”

---

1 Corinthians 2

And when I came to you, brethren, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of God. For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God.

Yet we do speak wisdom among those who are mature; a wisdom, however, not of this age nor of the rulers of this age, who are passing away; but we speak God’s wisdom in a mystery, the hidden wisdom which God predestined before the ages to our glory; the wisdom which none of the rulers of this age has understood; for if they had understood it they would not have crucified the Lord of glory; but just as it is written,

“THINGS WHICH EYE HAS NOT SEEN AND EAR HAS NOT HEARD,
AND WHICH HAVE NOT ENTERED THE HEART OF MAN,
ALL THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM.”

For to us God revealed them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God. Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may know the things freely given to us by God, which things we also speak, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, combining spiritual thoughts with spiritual words.

But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. But he who is spiritual appraises all things, yet he himself is appraised by no one. For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, THAT HE WILL INSTRUCT HIM? But we have the mind of Christ.

With Shouts of Joy

2007-08-04T09:47:00.000-04:00

The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. - Zeph. 3:17 NASB

Yesterday the Lord entrusted to me a second son, Ryan Benjamin. Jessica’s labor was short and the delivery was very fast. The boy is active when he’s awake; Jessica says he’s “all movement,” flexing his arms and kicking the air non-stop, just like he was in utero. He’s going to be a little tank.

My sister Teresa, her husband Chans, and their three offspring are thinking about coming up from North Carolina to visit for a few days, perhaps on Wednesday. That would be nice.

I have a lot to do on my week “off.” I need to make up my mind whether I’m going to study Bible at Regent University (I was accepted as a student) as there is paperwork I haven’t completed. I have to prepare and finalize notes for a sermon on next Sunday morning, and consider options for acquiring a van to accommodate my family of six. If my sister comes with cousins, Catherine will celebrate her sixth birthday on Thursday. I need to make contact with Daugherty and do a brochure or something for the purity conference scheduled in late October. And sometime or other I’d like to meet with the Pastor and his associate to air my concerns about the two of them.

I need to hear the whispers of the Holy Spirit this week.

The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. - Zeph. 3:17 KJV

Whispered Truth

2007-08-03T06:18:00.000-04:00

To hear the voice of God, we must intentionally deny a million other voices all around us. When I look at the media, the things that are being said in the world, the things that are being said in the church, it's reminiscent of the daily scramble in the New York Stock Exchange, or a Where's Waldo? book. People waving and screaming. Clamor. Frenzy. Nothingness.

Jesus walks somewhere in the chaos, unassuming. Wisdom calls, "Will you come and follow Me?"

Is it any wonder that so few hear, and even fewer say "Yes?"

2007-08-02T20:59:00.000-04:00

Here I am on the eve of becoming a father again. I took tomorrow off from work, and all next week--nine days. This will be the most time I’ve had off from work since I quit running freight for Swift and came back home over a year ago. I don’t take off unless I’m very sick, because I can’t afford it.

There’s a good chance Jessica will be induced tomorrow sometime. I’m not really nervous about it...why would I be? I’m not the one practically having my body split in two. Jess and I have prayed about her labor and the delivery. That’s all I know and that’s probably enough.

Another baby coming, no increase in income, no prospects. We need a van and more living space. I have a constant desire and frustration to speak to the people of God so that I can grow in service to the Lord, yet God Himself seems to be limiting me. I’ve prayed about all these things, and beyond that I don’t know what I should do.

My next door neighbor is a man whose decisions have blessed my life. He and his family are in a difficult situation right now: his financial resources are being drained. It occurred to me today that I need to have faith for him because his faith is my faith. That is, in many ways I’m trying to be obedient and trust the promises and Word of God in spite of contrary circumstances, and in spite of the fact that I don’t see a lot going on (especially in finances). He’s in a similar place on a much grander scale. More zeros at stake.

Tomorrow I will hold an eternal soul in my hands and welcome it to existence.

A Familiar Sentiment

2007-07-30T17:42:00.000-04:00

“All I really want is to be loved, but I feel very uncomfortable whenever anyone tries to love me.”
-– Sierra Sinn, a former porn star trying to leave the industry, as interviewed on XXXChurch.com

The Holy Spirit and Fire

2007-07-29T16:06:00.001-04:00

I’m physically tired and mentally confused, but alive to God.

Being alive to God doesn’t mean life is easy.

I met with the pastor last Sunday for the purpose--as I remarked to Jessica, tongue-in-cheek--of “bad-mouthing his hired goon.” His associate pastor loves God. He’s also a wimp, a spiritual sham, and a bastion of regurgitated confusion, and I want to confront him about it. I’ve tried to arrange a meeting with him but he’s avoiding me, probably because he’s a bit fearful of subjection to the Berean nobility. So I met with his mentor, the lead pastor, to delineate my concerns. He agreed with most of what I said, telling me we’d have to arrange a conference with the three of us so I can get it all out and reality can sunrise on this dude’s denial.

Week later, nothing else has been said about it.

Then there’s my journals. I shut down my Journalspace writings, and I redirected the URL to this one. The purpose was to shake off the readers, the people with interest. Which sounds odd, but I’ve done it several times before whenever a journal becomes problematic. I’d grown accustomed to using my Journalspace account for fun, just goofy writing and silly stuff. I use my Blogspot to spout my diary-ah: it’s just a regular journal for catching all the little happenings in life.

But last week I realized I’m too Christian to be acceptable to the world and too worldly to be acceptable to the Church. I’ve never really tried to censor myself, not when I was 15 and first started writing in a journal, not now. I prefer using web space and programs to spew my personal drivel, just because it’s easier. So I guess I’ll just try to keep my readership to a minimum.

Jessica seemed saddened by the prospect of my not writing silly stuff anymore. I am always making her laugh with my crazy thoughts, toilet humor, and wholly inappropriate anecdotes.

I don’t know. I’m confused. I woke up to this strange, funny arrangement--I didn’t create it. How do I change the way I perceive things? Should I even seek that? After working very hard for years to “find my voice,” practicing for hours and hours in the pursuit of something that sounds real and natural, should I choke it? How can I ever paint an accurate picture of life on this earth without using some dark colors?

Anyways.

Scott wanted me to get together with his wife and an old friend of ours who’s in town this weekend, but I didn’t want to. I don’t have anything in common with those guys anymore. Sometimes I feel guilty about not doing more to keep that relationship alive, but then I wonder whether the “growing apart” isn’t just part of the story of grace. My whole thought process--the aim of my life--is God-ward. Scott likes to talk movies and TV and pop culture and all that. He spends his free time eating, watching TV, and surfing the net. None of those things are necessarily wrong, but in his case they are very near idolatrous. Whenever we’ve gotten together in the past several years, that’s the only thing he has to talk about. It’s just empty to me. Eventually I’ll have to just spill the beans, like I will with the associate pastor.

Stress, baby. Burn, fire burn.

I think fire and separation are going to be themes in my next talk to the church, which will be on August 12.

And now also the axe is laid unto the root of the trees: therefore every tree which bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire: Whose fan is in his hand, and he will throughly purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the garner; but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire. Matthew 3:10-12

2007-07-24T20:37:00.000-04:00

Today, like the start of most days, I went to work with dread tempered by acceptance. They let a trainee ride with me as a helper--a real yahoo, but any help is appreciated.

While moving some empty cases from a store in Bridgeville, a small package fell out of a case to the floor at my feet. I recognized it immediately as a pornographic DVD--the kind magazines are inserting as a bonus these days because the internet has caused magazine sales to slump. The thing was porno pink and had the outline of a woman’s silhouette and “Hustler Video” emblazoned across the back. Kinky, exciting stuff.

I picked it up and it felt heavy like Sauron’s ring, or maybe Sennacherib’s letter to Hezekiah.

I put it in my pocket, left my helper in the cooler, and walked outside. It was 8:30. I phoned Pastor John’s cell phone. In one breath I blurted,

“Hey Pastor John I don’t have much time to talk but I was just moving empty cases of Pepsi and a pornographic DVD fell out onto the floor right in front of me and I took possession of it so no kids or anyone would find it and I’m going to take it home for Jessica to destroy. I just wanted to let someone know to take some of the edge off the temptation I feel.”

He said okay, and that was it. Simple. I thought about it once or twice during the day but for the most part the glittery satanic ploy was impotent, and I think it was because I quickly got someone else in the know.

I find it somewhat encouraging that I’ve been targeted by the enemy of souls in a way that’s obvious and relates specifically to my area of weakness. Makes me feel like I’m on the right path.

Friday, July 20, 2007, 4:45 A.M.

2007-07-20T04:41:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night’s meeting with the guys was interesting. Some issues were raised that have the power to bring some much-needed change to our church. Nothing new, really. Same stuff I’ve been ranting about to my poor wife every Sunday for ten years, except it looks like God is stirring the hearts of others to hunger for more out of the church experience--enough discomfort and frustration, hopefully, to get us to discuss it and be open to the responsibilities lasting change must bring. But more about that later.

After the meeting, Joel K came up to me to tell me he thought the Lord had given him a message intended for me. In a nutshell he said he believed God said that He’s going to bring me into a job that I like, that provides for my family, and that allows me to move more in my ministry. It was encouraging because it was another voice saying, “The season you’re in is just that--a season.” Which resonates with me. A couple weeks ago, I was killing myself in the heat, staring at a massive wall of Pepsi 12-packs I needed to unload, praying, and I suddenly thought, “When God moves me on, I’m going to miss this time.” I’ll probably look back on this period of my life as one of the sweetest, even though it’s been hard.

In January, Pepsi officials told us their goal for drivers was an average of 450 cases and 14 stops for a day’s load in summertime. Ten or eleven hour day. Yesterday I had 27 stops, 500 cases. It took fourteen hours before the truck was empty. Back at the plant, I glanced at the load sheet for today: 566 cases.

I was so delirious when I finally clocked out last night at 8 P.M. I’d been up late on Wednesday for the men’s group, so I was really looking forward to some rest. But when I got to my car, the right rear tire was flat.

Funny thing, though. In spite of the process, I was joyful. I was just conscious of God’s closeness all day yesterday, and nothing I encountered really riled me--not even having to change a tire at the point of greatest weariness.

For the second night in a row, I didn’t get to sleep last night until 10:30. I just have to make it through today and then I can rest a little. I am striving to enter God’s rest.

There remains therefore a rest for the people of God. For he who has entered His rest has himself also ceased from his works as God did from His. Let us therefore be diligent to enter that rest, lest anyone fall according to the same example of disobedience. Hebrews 4:9-11

Kyrie Eleison

2007-07-15T13:35:00.000-04:00

A few posts back in my post about The Call in Nashville, which was held on 7/7/07, Sarah left a comment that she was holding out for 8/8/08. I laughed, because it was obviously a joke. But guess what? I heard in church today that something's actually being planned for 8/8/08.

I leaned over and whispered in Jessica's ear, "Jizzamn. How long can this go on?" (Even though I know the answer is "Forever and ever, world without end.")

She said, "Well, they can't do anything with the numbers in 2013."

Light at the end of the tunnel, I thought. But watch them find a way.

Sunday, July 15, 2007, 8 A.M.

2007-07-15T08:07:00.000-04:00

The work week was butchery. Because we’re down six drivers, Pepsi is heaping extra stops and cases on those of us who remain. For me, that translates to several additional stops in Salisbury on most days. And even with 12-14 hours on the clock, going as fast as I can, I’ve still been one of the lightest-loaded trucks. This coming week we’ll be down two more drivers: one has quit and the other will be on vacation.

For three months now I’ve been writing on my daily driver’s report that my truck needs a new starter. For three months the maintenance guys ignored the message; one even said he checked the starter and couldn’t find anything wrong with it. On Friday the truck finally died and left me stranded behind Bridgeville’s Fire Hall. I had to sit and wait over an hour for TC, the maintenance dude, to come out and help me get the engine started.

Once the truck was running, I asked him, “So, what was it? A loose wire or something?”

He mumbled.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“We’re probably gonna have to put a new starter in her,” he said.

“No way,” I said. Boy, was I shocked. I called my boss right away to tell him how on-the-ball the maintenance guys are. “Pepsi is running a well-oiled machine here, that’s for damn sure,” I said. "Next time this happens, I'm going to shit in this truck, leave it right where it is, and go home."

"Please don't do that," he said. But I made no promises.

After I’d blown some sarcasm, I made my last five stops and finished my route, finally clocking out around 7:30.

I wish Jessica would have the baby so I could take a week off. Yeah, a baby disrupts your life and all, but a baby ain’t heavy.

Yesterday I felt pretty wasted by life and just sat on my ass, doing nothing. The pastor interrupted my zen laziness when he phoned and inquired about the men’s meetings. I told him some of the stuff we’d talked about and he told me to be careful “we don’t get a critical spirit.” Which is probably good advice, but which I also don’t understand. Maybe an advantage to pretense is that you can also be considered uncritical?

I understand where he’s coming from, I think. I’ve seen church splits, divisions, and denominations. I’ve heard the news from Iraq.

Group A gets dissatisfied with how things are going. They express their concerns to Group B. Group B says, “What the hell’s wrong with you? Everything’s great!” Group A gets stomped, silenced, pushed out, or murdered; so they go across town and start a new church or country or whatever.

Well, bleh. My name’s not Absalom. Leading any kind of rebellion is not my forte, not my interest. All I want to do is sit and play video games with my son, truth be told. I never wanted to lead a men’s group in the first place. I never wanted to be honest.

It’s what I got forced into. By God. I didn’t want to be part of a men’s group, but I needed to be a part of one, or at least to have meaningful connection with brothers.

My assessment of the thing so far is that some guys are encouraged and have appreciated the opportunity to share more of themselves, and others feel threatened by the experience because it has potential to really shake things up in their lives and in the church.

But I don’t want to cause problems with my critical spirit. I could just sit in a dark corner eating gummi worms, watching the show and praying for a miracle: for the church to somehow get out of the way and let Jesus through the freaking door.

I’ve always been disheartened and dissatisfied with the “church experience.” Poor Jessica has gotten an earful almost every week I’ve gone to church for ten years now. She says she thinks a lot of the inner tension I feel regarding church is from the Lord, but I don’t know.

I don’t know anything. That’s the problem. I only know what’s painful. I want to avoid pain. Church is often painful because it feels like we’re all puppetmasters trying to get the dry bones to look like flesh, and the flesh to look like spirit.

What’s God’s angle here, man? I was telling Jessica yesterday that the only reason we’re staying in this area is because of the church. I’d really like to move to North Carolina and be near my mother, brother and sister. My family. Drivers are in demand, and I could get a dead-end job like I’ve got now anywhere in the country, especially in North Carolina.

But God keeps me here. He’s set me in the church. Why?

Anyway, enough of that. Yesterday while I was sitting around doing nothing, I did one thing at least. I finished an excellent book called Messy Spirituality, by Michael Yaconelli. Don G loaned it to me last Sunday, and it was profound in its simplicity. I read good portions of it out loud to Jessica while she was cooking and washing dishes and we both blubbered and snotted because the grace of God is so amazing, unfair, irresistible, dogged, and awe-inspiring. He loves us, and He never stops.

I will close to pray for grace to embrace His will today.

Just a couple of funnies...

2007-07-14T20:55:00.000-04:00

Monday, July 9, 2007, 8:15 P.M.

2007-07-09T20:15:00.000-04:00

I got off work at 3 P.M. and came home in time for Jessica to go to her ladies’ meeting at the church. (She got home around 7:45--ugh.)

I made an early dinner and talked with the kids. They went to Lewes Beach today with Jessica and her mother. I wasted some time this afternoon surfing journals and playing games and generally avoiding myself before I finally shut the computer off and prayed for a while. I feel so desperate in my spirit lately, desperate in prayer, as if I’m living one long sigh. A few times today I’ve felt almost on the verge of panic, just a rising anguish in my soul.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

Woe to the one who quarrels with his Maker–-an earthenware vessel among the vessels of earth! Will the clay say to the potter, “What are you doing?” Or the thing you are making say, “He has no hands ?” Isaiah 45:9

I did the dishes and listened to the Benedictine monks of Santo Domingo de Silos. Gregorian song is the oldest surviving music in the Church, dating back to the 11th century. I hear that music and to me it sounds like faith: calm, resolute, unified, worshipful, awestruck voices. Simple. Nothing like it seems to be produced anymore in the Church--nothing that serene or contemplative, nothing so “at rest.”

Today’s worship leaders are rock stars. You have to pay to see them do their thing. True spiritual inspiration has been replaced by appeals to the soul and the flesh.

* * * * *

“Enoch walked with God, and he was not.”

The pressure I’m feeling is from Him. The circumstances are from Him. The “good works” are His.

“He must increase, but I must decrease.”

At the end of every precious day...

2007-07-09T17:33:00.002-04:00

I reminisce and try to get it all down for posterity.

Fusstration & Random Notes

2007-07-08T14:18:00.000-04:00

I can no longer doodle in church because my wife gets laughing so hard at my designs that she fears incontinence in her pregnant state. So now I crouch over secret notes, noted below in italics.

The Church needs a crisis of truth. [The world really doesn’t need to be prayed for at this point in Church History, contrary to what the Christian parrotheads say. Even Jesus had his limits when it came to the world. Jesus had His priorities right: John 17:9.]

Those who seek satisfaction outside of God and His will deserve to be punished by not finding it. [Not sure where this came from...de Caussade, mayhaps?]

*** “FUSSTRATION” *** [The speaker couldn’t say “frustrated;” I like “fusstration” better anyway. My greatest fusstration right now is determining how much to say, and when, and to whom.]

I go to church and my eyes are assaulted by a tall brunette, her T&A near bursting out of a tight black package and “fuck me” heels, delirious with new and unrestrained power that's blossomed along with her curves. Thank You God for the gift of astigmatism.[I took my glasses off. I’m SO spiritual.]

“God’s not after perfection, He’s after what we can do for Him.”[AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!]

Good-intentioned, mindless contradiction. Is this the Word?

Faith Adores the Divine Will (de Caussade)

2007-07-08T08:19:00.000-04:00

The reign of faith is death to the senses; it is their spoliation, their destruction. The senses worship creatures; faith adores the divine will. Destroy the idols of the senses and they will rebel and lament, but faith must triumph because the will of God is indestructible. When the senses are terrified, or famished, despoiled, or crushed, then it is that faith is nourished, enriched and enlivened. Faith laughs at these calamities as a governor of an impregnable fortress laughs at the useless attacks of an impotent foe. When a soul recognises the will of God and shows a readiness to submit to it entirely, then God gives Himself to such a soul and renders it most powerful succour under all circumstances. Thus it experiences a great happiness in this coming of God, and enjoys it the more, the more it has learnt to abandon itself at every moment to His adorable will.

I delight to do Your will, O my God; Your Law is within my heart. Psalm 40:8

Jesus said to them, "My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me and to accomplish His work." John 4:34

For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Romans 1:25

* * * * *

I spent many years in the sensuous idolatry of worshiping the female form. In my own heart I erected shrines to Aphrodite, a modern-day Asherah pole in the high places of my thoughts and affections.

This morning I found a journal on Journalspace where the owner, a very beautiful and intelligent woman, a lawyer, posted several pictures of herself in short skirts and high heels. I looked for a few moments, feeling an old ache in my soul, a flooding desire to possess her. I hit Alt+F4 and asked God to help me, and I remembered a sentence from Abandonment to Divine Providence that struck me when I read it a few days ago: “The senses worship creatures; faith adores the divine will.”

When that old lust rises up, that strong desire to possess and indulge, I try to remember that in the end it possesses me. The old gods are always clamoring to take me away in chains, seeking their pound of flesh. The siren’s song is always very near. But the grace of God is closer.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies... Psalm 23:5

Go To The Call, Thou Sluggard

2007-07-07T15:41:00.000-04:00

Well, here it is. Seven-seven-oh-seven. Let every good Christian fast seven days, march around the country seven times, and toot on a ram’s horn seventy-seven times. Maybe we’ll finally wake God up.

Having a God who’s slow and deaf is such a pain in the bahakas, don’t you think? That’s what the prophets of Baal decided just before Elijah hacked their heads off. And in the American church, we’ve arrived at something similar. El-Olam, the everlasting God who created all the universe has somehow become like us: a dull old croaker, impossible to rouse.

"You thought that I was just like you..." Psalm 50:21

You guys go ahead. Fast, I tell you. Flagellate yourselves. Shun your meats and sweets, your pork chops and cheesecakes. Yeah, verily, behold: ‘tis a good repose from the untold years you’ve glutted those bodies and sullied those minds. Go on, now.

I’ll be right over here, praying and watching, munching on steak and gummi worms.

Once we’ve wearied ourselves of being busy spiritual supermen we may finally hear the still small voice, together.

I spent this all-important cosmic day chatting on the phone with DG and my sister, playing a video game with my son, and making my wife laugh so hard her pregnant belly nearly exploded. Tonight we’re going to Perdue stadium to watch the Shorebirds and see some fireworks. I’ll stay up till midnight so I can stumble into church tomorrow, unwashed and fifteen minutes late.

Let Me Know You in the Now

2007-07-05T17:32:00.000-04:00

And behold, a voice out of the heavens, saying, “This is My Son, the Beloved, in whom I am well-pleased.” (Matthew 3:17 NASB)

This affirming word to Jesus comes from His Father before He actually does much in terms of all the amazing things that lie ahead with His earthly ministry. At the outset the Father is already pleased with Him.

Why so? What was He doing up till this time that was so wonderful, so pleasing?

Eating, drinking, working, bustling around in the carpenter shop, being a son and an older brother to Mary’s other children, chatting with friends, reading, learning, praying, laughing at jokes, making jokes, weeping when He suffered heartaches like when Joseph died, sleeping, bathing, going to synagogue (church), going to the bathroom. Emmanuel. God residing in man’s fragile frame. In short, being alive. Mundane, normal, unknown.

Everyman.

Jesus spent 90 percent of His earthly life learning how to live in circumstances that were just as humbling, boring, joyous, tragic, and altogether human as ours. He learned to live a wholly sanctified existence, to live for the pleasure of the Father whether He was chewing at a hangnail or contemplating the eternal Word.

It was all the same to Him, and it was established before He set even one calloused foot into the muddy Jordan to be baptized by John the Baptist and “fulfill all righteousness.”

It’s not flashy spiritual stuff that makes a godly man. It’s not miracles and prophecies and teaching. It’s not a martyr’s death.

It’s learning to live. It’s being alive to God in what Jean-Pierre de Caussade called “the Sacrament of the Present Moment,” and what Michael Card mused as a prayer, “Let me know You in the Now.”

Father help me, Your little tottering child, to walk as You do.

In What Perfection Consists (de Caussade)

2007-07-04T05:10:00.000-04:00

The designs of God, the good pleasure of God, the will of God, the operation of God and the gift of His grace are all one and the same thing in the spiritual life. It is God working in the soul to make it like unto Himself. Perfection is neither more nor less than the faithful co-operation of the soul with this work of God, and is begun, grows, and is consummated in the soul unperceived and in secret. The science of theology is full of theories and explanations of the wonders of this state in each soul according to its capacity. One may be conversant with all these speculations, speak and write about them admirably, instruct others and guide souls; yet, if these theories are only in the mind, one is, compared with those who, without any knowledge of these theories, receive the meaning of the designs of God and do His holy will, like a sick physician compared to simple people in perfect health. The designs of God and his divine will accepted by a faithful soul with simplicity produces this divine state in it without its knowledge, just as a medicine taken obediently will produce health, although the sick person neither knows nor wishes to know anything about medicine. As fire gives out heat, and not philosophical discussions about it, nor knowledge of its effects, so the designs of God and His holy will work in the soul for its sanctification, and not speculations of curiosity as to this principle and this state. When one is thirsty one quenches one’s thirst by drinking, not by reading books which treat of this condition. The desire to know does but increase this thirst. Therefore when one thirsts after sanctity, the desire to know about it only drives it further away. Speculation must be laid aside, and everything arranged by God as regards actions and sufferings must be accepted with simplicity, for those things that happen at each moment by the divine command or permission are always the most holy, the best and the most divine for us.

Seven Random Points from a French Catholic

2007-07-03T19:20:00.000-04:00

These are a few summations from a book by Jean-Pierre de Caussade, a Jesuit ascetic writer who died in 1751. The book is called Abandonment to Divine Providence; I first heard about it from an article in Christian History magazine. I’ve read some of it online at www.ccel.org, but I’m thinking I might like to own a copy next time I have a few bucks to blow at Amazon.com. All of it is thought-provoking and some of it even shocks me. (Point 3, for instance.)

1. We must put all speculation aside and with childlike willingness accept all that God presents to us.

2. What God arranges for us to experience at each moment is the best and holiest thing that could happen to us.

3. Any soul which has once and for all completely submitted itself to God should always interpret everything favorably.

4. There is absolutely nothing that gives more peace or does more to make us holy than obeying the Will of God. [The text implies that understanding God’s Will isn't necessary.]

5. If we see the Will of God in the most trifling affairs, in every misfortune, and in every disaster, we shall accept them all with an equal joy, delight and respect.

6. We must completely forget ourselves so that we regard ourselves as an object which has been sold and over which we no longer have any right. Once we have this foundation all we need to do is spend our lives rejoicing that God is God and being so wholly abandoned to his Will that we are quite indifferent as to what we do and equally indifferent as to what use he makes of our activities.

7. It is really useless to become agitated, for all that happens to us is like a dream. Shadowy images come and go and dreams passing through our sleeping mind give us both pain and pleasure. Our soul is the plaything of these phantoms, but when we awaken we know at once that they have not really affected it.

Monday, July 2, 2007, 4:45 A.M.

2007-07-02T04:41:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I stayed after church awhile chatting with TK; to my surprise, he initiated the conversation. Also to my surprise, he let his guard down a little and shared some real stuff with me. I told him about my frustration with so much of what’s going on in the church, about things like The Call in Nashville and the fact that we–-the church at large–-seem to have our wheels stuck in a spiritual ditch. I tried to explain the sense of emptiness I feel with church.

I was thinking this past week of how the disciples were with Jesus for just 3 or 4 years before they were totally released into ministry, from fishers and publicans to apostles. Not that they had become perfect, or had “arrived,” but He considered them able to teach others and transmit the word of Christ, the word of salvation, after a very brief period of time.

“Yeah, but Jesus was actually present with them,” said TK after I shared that thought.

I understood what he meant, but then I thought of Paul after his conversion. Paul also spent three years learning to hear the voice of God in the quietness of a desert place.

But when God, who had set me apart even from my mother's womb and called me through His grace, was pleased to reveal His Son in me so that I might preach Him among the Gentiles, I did not immediately consult with flesh and blood, nor did I go up to Jerusalem to those who were apostles before me; but I went away to Arabia, and returned once more to Damascus. Then three years later I went up to Jerusalem to become acquainted with Cephas, and stayed with him fifteen days. (Galatians 1:15-18)

The physical presence of Jesus shouldn’t make a difference. He has given us the Holy Spirit to teach us all things, to lead us into all truth. So the natural question, when I’m looking around at all these faces I’ve seen in church for ten, fifteen, twenty years is, why are we still spiritual babies? Why aren’t we progressing beyond the elemental things? Why are we perpetually stuck in the introspective, woe-is-me-I-am-undone spiritual atmosphere that constitutes the foundational beginning of a walk with God? What’s the missing piece here?

Concerning him we have much to say, and it is hard to explain, since you have become dull of hearing. For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil. (Hebrews 5:11-14)

TK said he thinks everyone in the church is frustrated, just as I am.

“If that’s true, how come no one’s talking about it?” I asked.

We watched a movie about the life of Martin Luther yesterday afternoon and I was reminded of why I’ve always identified with him, with the anguish of his search to know God and possess truth.

I want to take the next step. We need direction. We need to hear. I am expectant.

“You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north.” (Deuteronomy 2:3)

Sunday, July 1, 2007, 9:18 A.M.

2007-07-01T09:18:00.001-04:00

“Now in the fifteenth year of the reign of Tiberius Caesar, when Pontius Pilate was governor of Judea, and Herod was tetrarch of Galilee, and his brother Philip was tetrarch of the region of Ituraea and Trachonitis, and Lysanias was tetrarch of Abilene, in the high priesthood of Annas and Caiphas, the word of God came to John, the son of Zacharias, in the wilderness.” Luke 3:1, 2

After a list of qualified rulers and educated ministers, the word of God arrives in the heart of an unknown in a desert place. And it isn’t the first time this happens in Scripture (“Samuel, Samuel!”), or in history recorded since (Martin Luther).

My pastor asked me about the origin of the spoken message I delivered last week, wondering if maybe something he said prompted the thing. “No,” I said, “the truth is I sat down in a huff when the worship leader started his spiel about praying for America and the world and everything. I was frustrated, asking God to help me and somehow, miraculously, to break through upon His people. When I shut up, I heard.”

He listened, and then started talking out the experience as he thought about it, about hearing the voice of God when we’re angry and dissatisfied; in other words, when we haven’t “prepared our hearts” according to normal expectations. Finally, he said, “So there are times where, by not participating, we are in a better place to hear the voice of the Lord.”

I was glad when our conversation was interrupted because it was getting uncomfortable. Light was dawning, and it was freaking me out (him too, I think), because the implication is that all the normal “fluff stuff” we do in church might actually be getting in the way of our spiritual receptivity. Maybe we need to get a little stranger in how we live, take a step back. Maybe what we need is to become “a voice of one crying in the wilderness.”

* * *

Wednesday morning I was feeling rather worn down by my job. I work for the only local beverage company that doesn’t hire summertime helpers for the drivers. Most companies do so to alleviate some of the stress drivers are under in the busier summer months, and to help avoid fatigue and injuries. The company I work for chooses to save a few dollars by not hiring helpers. (It costs them more in the long run, but like many corporations, they’re penny wise and dollar stupid.)

Anyway, I wasn’t actively thinking about it, but in my soul I am often troubled by where God has placed me. Wednesday morning, I came to these lines in Psalm 30:

What profit is there in my blood, if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness?
Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me;
O LORD, be my helper.
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,
That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

“Oh LORD, be my helper.” I read it and laughed out loud, it seemed so ridiculous.

But all week long it was an encouragement and a prayer on my lips. It struck my spirit like an unexpected note from a lover. Just God reminding me, “I know you. I know where you are. I’m with you. I want to be your Comforter, your Paracletos, the One who’s alongside you, yoked with you. Enjoy the relationship and leave the circumstances to Me.”

Monday, June 25, 2007, 7:45 P.M.

2007-06-25T19:55:00.000-04:00

Scattered thoughts on this early summer evening.

Time gets away so quickly. I feel like I should update this journal more often, since a lot of stuff is going on in my life and I’ll forget the journey if I don’t record it somehow. I’m such a slave of time. I hate feeling like everything in my life is governed by the rigid clock.

Yesterday morning the Lord expressed a prophetic utterance through me in the church service. That hasn’t happened in many years--probably because I haven’t been listening to God much. It’s a strange sensation. Before I speak I feel very nervous and my heart pounds as if it will burst from my chest. Afterwards, I tremble. And when it happens it’s very forceful, different from my normal manner of speaking.

A friend asked me later about the process and I wasn’t really sure how to answer him because I don’t know. It’s not something I understand. It just is, like faith itself.

The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit. (John 3:8)

It was good to discover that the gift is still present, though I feel its operation or function has very little to do with me. Hopefully God will use it even more. A danger of spiritual gifts is that Charismatic types sometimes mistake them for true spirituality, for living a life separated to God.

Another driver put in his notice today at work. That makes us short six drivers out of 17 routes, and makes everyone else have to shoulder the burden.

I felt melancholy for much of the day, as if I could cry. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was just Monday. I kept praying and asking God to speak to me, to help me through this stage of my life. Every moment in a believer’s life is holy: there is no mundane, no time when God is not present and active.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

Last Thursday and Friday, I was thinking about this:

He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion. Proverbs 28:13

I had a slip Thursday evening--a site I stumbled on that proved to be a stumbling block. I may need to resolve to just stay off the computer when Jessica isn’t home.

Jonathan Daugherty is coming to Delaware in late October. I’m excited about it, though I hope to see breakthroughs in men’s lives (and my own) before then.

Having God's "Unreasonable" Faith (May 21)

2007-05-24T04:33:00.001-04:00

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you —Matthew 6:33

When we look at these words of Jesus, we immediately find them to be the most revolutionary that human ears have ever heard. "...seek first the kingdom of God..." Even the most spiritually-minded of us argue the exact opposite, saying, "But I must live; I must make a certain amount of money; I must be clothed; I must be fed." The great concern of our lives is not the kingdom of God but how we are going to take care of ourselves to live. Jesus reversed the order by telling us to get the right relationship with God first, maintaining it as the primary concern of our lives, and never to place our concern on taking care of the other things of life.

"...do not worry about your life..." ( Matthew 6:25 ). Our Lord pointed out that from His standpoint it is absolutely unreasonable for us to be anxious, worrying about how we will live. Jesus did not say that the person who takes no thought for anything in his life is blessed—-no, that person is a fool. But Jesus did teach that His disciple must make his relationship with God the dominating focus of his life, and to be cautiously carefree about everything else in comparison to that. In essence, Jesus was saying, "Don’t make food and drink the controlling factor of your life, but be focused absolutely on God." Some people are careless about what they eat and drink, and they suffer for it; they are careless about what they wear, having no business looking the way they do; they are careless with their earthly matters, and God holds them responsible. Jesus is saying that the greatest concern of life is to place our relationship with God first, and everything else second.

It is one of the most difficult, yet critical, disciplines of the Christian life to allow the Holy Spirit to bring us into absolute harmony with the teaching of Jesus in these verses.

--from My Utmost For His Highest

Angry at the Blab

2007-05-21T19:46:00.000-04:00

I’m frustrated.

No, frustrated’s not the right word.

I’m pissed, hot and streaming.

Jessica goes to a women’s meeting on Monday afternoons at four. I’m all for such things: connection, reflection and discussions are good things.

But it drives me crazy that the meetings last three or four hours, cause her to miss dinner with the rest of us, and leave me without ten measly minutes to shower or even slam out a mean-spirited post to my blog because I have to make dinner, do dishes, bathe children, take out the garbage, and pick up three days’ worth of their mess, which is strewn everywhere I look. All after rushing frenetically through nine hours of heavy lifting for Pepsi (since five a.m.), limping around with a deep gash in my foot, looking forward with great anticipation to the time when I get home, so I can “rest.”

I lead a men’s meeting on Wednesday nights. We meet at seven, and I told the men up front that the meetings would be over by nine or thereabouts, barring some emergency situation (such as Jesus appears in bodily form to say something, or for some inexplicable reason--probably severe mental illness--I suddenly feel like droning on for four hours...pray for me, brothers). Most of us have very demanding schedules, and are trying to juggle families, careers, ministry, relationships and personal devotion. Everyone nodded in agreement at the time limit. Two or three were visibly relieved. Eight to ten guys usually show up, and I make sure everyone shares something related to the topic (bringing them back if they go down rabbit trails), we pray, it’s real, dudes feel blessed and challenged, and guess what? We get done around nine.

Women’s meeting: four or five women. One for each hour.

It’s now 7:45 and if my wife were here RIGHT NOW to watch the kids I’d have time to shower, shave, brush my teeth, and read for ten minutes before going to bed.

I express my anger about this nearly every week, but I guess she doesn’t care enough to make any boundaries. Boundaries, you understand, are only for men.

In other news, I just filled out an online application for admission to Regent University. I want to learn some things.

Pete the Porno Puppet

2007-05-05T09:07:00.000-04:00

Cool Site

2007-05-03T04:19:00.000-04:00

I discovered this site yesterday. It's obviously received some media interest from the major news outlets and places like Playboy magazine, but I--as always--am a little behind.

www.XXXChurch.com

Naked and Not Ashamed

2007-04-30T19:16:00.001-04:00

Things are starting to get heavy again at work. Won’t be long before all I’ll have time to do during the week is eat, sleep, and go the bathr...

...no, wait. I won’t even have time to do those things. I won’t have time to do anything but work, sweat and groan.

Anyway, a few small developments...

In terms of the purity struggle I’m doing a lot better than I was a year ago, in spite of a bad day now and then. I was telling Jessica awhile back that I might have several days in a month where I’m really tempted or can’t seem to stop thinking about Inscrutable Girl. But several days a month is better than every single day.

God can restore innocence and peace to a person’s mind. Not to say I’m naive or think I’ve arrived or anything, but I can often look at a pretty girl these days and not think something obscene. That's an improvement.

I’ve had some failures, some fits and starts in the process, but that’s normal. Even after we got SafeEyes and I knew Jessica could see all the websites I visit, I still found a few outlets (one being Journalspace) where I could feast my eyes. And it was only two weekends ago when I was alone in the house and thought, “If I could, I’d look at porn right now.”

But I’ve had victories, too. I have an opportunity nearly every day to go back to the old ways, to flirt with a girl who thinks I’m sexy, to pick up a porn magazine (most of which come with free DVDs now), or to call Inscrutable Girl. No one else would have a clue. But I would know, and God would know, and that’s just enough to make me miserable. I don’t want to go back to the agony I was in for so long. If I’m going to suffer, I want it to be for the right reasons. Not just because I’m an idiot.

A positive effect of the men’s meetings on Wednesday nights is that I have to lead them, and I know I couldn’t do that if I was toying around with all that glitters. I have to keep it real in God’s eyes, and in the eyes of those guys. We’ve been having some pretty productive discussions, though a couple of the guys are still “hiding.”

I had some email exchanges with Jonathan Daugherty, the guy from San Antonio who led the Every Man’s Battle conference I attended in Sterling, Virginia, last May. My pastor approached me one day and asked about what I thought of our having a “purity weekend”–-something we could invite guys from our church and other churches in the area to participate in. He showed me some material from some ministry, but I said, “I know someone who’d be great leading this thing,” and I told him about Jonathan. I emailed Jonathan and he said he’d love to be a part of it. I sent him the pastor’s contact info and he said he’d call this week. It’s still in the planning stages; I hope schedules work out. The Lord’s work through Jonathan’s message and ministry affected me quite powerfully–-changed my life, even. We’re talking about conducting this purity conference sometime in late September or October.

Us: from fig-leaved and ashamed, to naked and ashamed, to naked and NOT ashamed. That’s the journey. Transparency feels excellent.

When Porn Strikes...

2007-04-27T21:07:00.000-04:00

Can it, Bildad

2007-04-22T08:46:00.000-04:00

The men’s meeting last Wednesday was a beastly travesty.

A dude who’d never been there before showed up. As I tried to get the guys to talk about real-life stuff, this guy decided I needed a good straightening-out, and he spent about a half-hour in a frenzy, ranting at me personally (as if I was the only guy in the room with issues), pointing his finger and telling me to have faith and not give up, and that when I got to be his age (46) I’d be wise and wouldn’t have such struggles. He told me I don’t know my calling and purpose in life, and that’s why I’ve got problems. No one else around the table was able to get a word in during his speech, which was like a spinning top. I felt drained, dizzy, dry-mouthed and angry. I couldn’t wait to escape.

I listened patiently, but I wondered if he’d continue his spirit-filled tirade if I got up and went to the bathroom for awhile. Instead of testing the thing, I simply waited for him to take a breath so I could quickly dismiss the meeting.

It was a half-hour past the regular hour (9 P.M.) when that time came.

Essentially the guy railroaded the meeting and invalidated its stated purpose and function (which he’d never been there before to hear about).

Beyond that, several guys echoed his idea that they’re not going to share their hearts with others unless they feel “led” by the Holy Spirit. Well, touche. That’s one awesome cop-out for being a guarded asshole. Men love to share their strengths and victories while minimizing their faults and weaknesses.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do. The time I’m stealing to be at these meetings is at the cost of sleep: I got four hours that night before I had to be up on my feet and driving 53,000 pounds of freight on the busiest day of the Pepsi week. I had a headache all day Thursday: I felt hung over.

Frankly, if the meetings aren’t fulfilling their purpose, I’ll nix them. There are other options. I’m the type who’d be happy with talking to one or two guys interested in pursuing reality, rather than a group of guys who want to fold their arms and stay status quo.

The most satisfying conversation I had in the past week was with an atheist, a writer friend of mine. How am I supposed to get through life in church when I can only handle Christians for very short bursts of time before I’m going berserk with frustration and anger?

2007-04-18T22:03:00.000-04:00

I’m writing this at the church in the hour before the men’s meeting occurs.

I’m in a lot of pain today. I’ve never found other words to express the state of sighing and sadness that comes over me some days except to say, “It hurts.”

It’s been one of those days. For one thing, things are tumultuous at work. I’ve had an icicle up my ass ever since two months ago when I realized Pepsi is a dead-end job. I’ve got a bad attitude and I’m sure it’s visible to those around me, including my supervisors. And that pisses me off because I don’t want to have a bad attitude. I want to believe in my heart what I know in my head: that I don’t work for some mad frenzied corporation driven to fits over lucre and mammon. That I work for God. That each day, my only aim should be to please Him, secure in knowing He’ll worry about tomorrow. But it’s hard.

Today they had the most negative guy in the whole company riding with me as a helper, which was draining. He kept telling stupid jokes and pointing out pretty girls and gossiping and complaining and making with tons of coarse sexual commentary. All of which I don’t need. I outright lied to someone about something minor because I didn’t want to have to deal with the corporate bullshit--I just wanted to get home. Plus another driver showed me a brief pornographic clip on his cell phone which, when I realized what it was, I quickly walked away from, cursing.

Cursing. That’s another thing. I have such an unclean mouth. I’ve lowered myself to the level of the mob. God’s definitely pointing it out to me, too. He wants purity to go beyond skin-deep: He wants my heart pure, holy, and innocent.

But it’s not. It’s just not.

Anytime I come to the church anymore I have a hard time because D lives so close. My nose is stuffed up and I’d like to go to Wal-Mart here in town and get some Sudafed but I’m afraid I’ll run into her, and that wouldn’t leave me feeling real super-stable just before I lead a men’s meeting. I’m so frustrated that I still think about her, that I miss her. It’s wearisome.

I’m frustrated with not knowing when and how everything will work out.

Tonight’s topic is about our identity in God, and how God uses our personal pain and weakness to display His strength in our lives. I’m all about His purpose.

Long Time, No Post

2007-04-14T18:20:00.000-04:00

Six months since I posted anything to this account. Maybe I was waiting for some of the frenzied personal hype to die down before writing here again. I don't know.

I've been working hard for Pepsi, and am trying to break into some part-time freelancing. Jessica and I are doing pretty well, expecting our fourth child.

A few weeks ago, I wrote to Jon Daugherty and thanked him for the work of his ministry. I may try to interview him eventually for some query ideas I have.

I'm leading a men's group at church now.

And finally, I'm still struggling against thoughts of the girl I loved. Nearly every day, sometimes all day long, I'm slogging through, wondering if the hurt will ever leave. Yeah, to some extent it's diminished. But it's still here, and sometimes it's frighteningly powerful.

The last two times I left the church--just today, in fact--I saw her car drive by and had to wonder if that could possibly be a coincidence, that kind of perfect or hellish timing. Today while walking into WaWa to get a cup of coffee I thought I saw her sitting in a black SUV, eating a hot dog. It wasn't her, but I'm sure I made whoever it was quite nervous as I slowed down and eyed her through my black sunglasses.

I can't understand why these feelings are still so strong.

Nevertheless, feelings are inconsequential at this point. There's no going back. I have destiny to fulfill.

Monday's her birthday.

How Firm A Foundation, by John Rippon

2006-10-14T08:52:00.000-04:00

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

In every condition, in sickness, in health;
In poverty’s vale, or abounding in wealth;
At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea,
As thy days may demand, shall thy strength ever be.

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

Even down to old age all My people shall prove
My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs they shall still in My bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.

He Tried...

2006-07-24T19:21:00.000-04:00

I’m angry. Don’t read this if you can’t hack it. Fair warning.

Now that my questioning mind has invited the rancor of several women (and one man) of my acquaintance, I’ll suppose I’ll just out with everything...

I have four problems at the moment (with a lot of other asides):

1. The stress of starting another new job. Yes, believe it or not I’m ready to return to some stability. I’m tired of getting to know people and then leaving them behind. I’m sick of having to keep adjusting my living and sleeping schedule. It’s my natural inclination to develop a fairly rigid routine and stick to it, but my world keeps spinning end over end and I can't get footing.

2. There’s a guy at our church whom I absolutely cannot stand, and I think he’s being groomed as an associate pastor or something-–maybe even the replacement to our current pastor. I don’t know. (He sure likes to call himself “pastor.”) I’ve had several interactions with him and every time he opens his mouth I get angry because he has no sense. He’s like a circling housefly. This is the first time I’ve ever experienced such a strong dislike for a guy who seems so nice. He’s Ned Flanders to my Homer Simpson. I love the guy, but I wish to avoid contact with him at all costs, and the irony is stressing me out. It’s becoming even more of a pain to get myself to church because I know he’s going to say something stupid and piss me off. Church is a difficult enough experience to get through, let alone when you’ve got some guy interrupting the worship to blab off shotgun prayers about supporting the President and saving all of America.

My biggest problem with him is that he's never been honest with me when we've conversed. Even though he seems to love talking about himself, he always speaks in vagueries when it comes to his weaknesses or struggles. He seems to be hiding himself behind a religious do-gooder's mask.

And sometimes in life you should really say nothing at all. A few days after my dad died, he said, "Just remember that he's still with you." He was trying to comfort me I guess, but I wanted to say, "Where'd you get that idea, bro? No, he ain't with me: he's somewhere else completely." But I just looked at him.

We attended the same Every Man's Battle and he insisted beforehand that we have separate rooms and separate small groups. "So," he told my wife, "I won't be focused on Steve's stuff while I'm there, instead of on my own stuff." Yeah, right. The truth is he doesn't want me to know his "stuff." We ate together several times and he knows all about my struggles, but he kept his own a secret.

Eventually I'm going to have to tell him outright that he offends me almost constantly. Bah.

3. My wife hates me. Yes, hates me. Or so she says. And I don’t blame her: I feel for her. She thinks I don’t understand her position, but I really do. The problem isn’t my lack of understanding, but my apparent inability to control my emotions. I’m doing okay these days keeping my behavior under wraps, but I can’t bring my heart in line with what my head’s saying. That pisses her off. The struggle pisses her off. And I’m out of ideas for how to fix it all.

4. Right now I would swim through molten lava to get five minutes on the phone with “the other woman.” The heavy reliance I had on porn (especially while I was on the road) is in remission, but I’m still dealing with the withdrawal of having made a decision to have nothing to do with a woman I love.

It’s pandemonium in my heart. Death without a corpse. Pande-fucking-monium.

Most guys I talked to at Every Man’s Battle were dealing with addiction to porn or fantasy, or with going to massage parlors or having lots of anonymous sex in seedy parts of town–-stuff like that. Even among the people I know personally who struggle with sexually addictive behavior, I’m the only one who’s said, “I fell in love with a girl who wasn’t my wife, and physical distance from her hasn’t made my feelings go away. What’s the deal here, man?”

In spite of my stoic outward appearance, I'm a romantic person. I'm way over the top, boy. But I don’t have a lot of gushy, romantic feelings for my wife. In fact I resent her, just as she resents me. My brain says, “There’s no future with that other girl, and it would all end badly.” But my heart won’t agree. Why?

Why the hell won't it agree? Oh God, what if it never goes away? What if this torture goes on for the rest of my life? I'd physically choke it out if I could. I'd beat my body into bloody heaps of warm pulp if it would accomplish anything.

See, this is why I understand Number 3. It’s unfair to Jessica. It doesn’t make sense. If she said, “Leave Steven, just get out,” I wouldn’t blame her at all. I want to feel passion for her again, but in our early years of marriage I dammed my heart towards her because she hurt me. She’s still hurting me. We’re hurting each other. And now I’m really trying, straining to the point of tears and violence to myself, being honest about my feelings, lying in bed at night shaking with the pain and raging conflict. But I can’t get the water to flow again. It’s flowing towards someone I can’t see, talk to, or touch.

Fuck. Just fuck.

I can’t seem to stop sabotaging myself.

Soulmates

2006-07-24T06:20:00.000-04:00

Are they real? Or are they nothing more than romantic shadows cast by wistful, heartbroken poets?

If they're real, are they born or made? Can you become another person’s soulmate by focusing time and energy on the process, or are you at the mercy of fate and fortune?

Do you know you’ve found a soulmate because of what you feel, or because of what you’ve committed yourself to? Is it possible to be with your soulmate and not realize it?

Do questions like this even matter?

(This entry kept under 100 words, for Ptiza’s sake.)

Another Day, Another Fight

2006-07-17T06:01:00.000-04:00

The extramarital relationship I entered five years ago was marked, not by mere sexual cravings and experience, but by a deep and stubborn emotional bond to the woman I loved. Stubborn, I say, because it is still present inside me, and I struggle to deny it every single day. Not in terms of its existence within my heart, but its validity. I have no right to love any woman but my own wife. I have no right to desire another man’s wife (or future wife) no matter what the plane, be it physical, spiritual, or emotional.

This morning I awoke from a dream of her, but it was not a sexual dream. In the vision I was merely trying to talk to her, embrace her, and tell her I still care deeply for her. My wife was nearby as I engaged this quest to get a moment alone with my friend, and when I finally embraced the woman, I couldn’t enjoy the hug because I was looking in all directions for my wife to come appearing out of nowhere, catch me with the other lady, and lower the boom.

What we deny by day, we dream by night.

I woke up discouraged and disturbed. It makes no sense to me how I could still be having such a hard time when I haven’t even seen this girl in nine months. I’m impatient. I want the storm of conflicting emotions to pass. I want to get through a day without having to battle my own thoughts of wondering how the other woman is doing, worrying about her, or wishing I could talk to her. I’m frustrated because I know none of this is about her, my wife, my many disappointments in life, or any other outside thing: it’s about me. I'm angry, and weary of having a broken heart.

The battle for purity is a contest for the mind, and in the warfare I am--as ever--my own worst enemy.

The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

The night is almost gone, and the day is at hand. Let us therefore lay aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts. (Romans 13:12-14)

But you, man of God...pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith... (1 Timothy 6:11, 12)

Is Marriage About Sex?

2006-07-09T10:29:00.000-04:00

I wanted to place this under the comment section of the previous entry since I am replying to several issues raised by an anonymous commenter there (whom I will refer to as "Anon.") But I won't be updating this journal until next week, most likely, so I figured what the hey...I'll just make it a post and let people figure it all out for themselves.

I appreciate Anon’s comments because they are thoughtful, expressed well, and respectful. He didn’t call anyone names or come out with a personal attack. He simply vocalized his thoughts, and powerfully so. His thoughts and mine represent not just a clash of ideas, but conflicting world views. The ideas we hold are the branches that flow from root philosophies--core beliefs that shape our perceptions of the world and the meaning of life as it pertains to relationships. I will presently demonstrate stark differences between his core beliefs and mine.

* * * * *

"You're out somewhere around Jupiter. Come back to Earth."

This first line made me smile because it evokes the image of crabs in a bucket. Since a lot of people don’t live near the beach, I’ll explain. When you go out “crabbing” to catch yourself a dinner of blue crabs, you need only bring a small bucket with you to put them in--it doesn’t even require a lid. Just a little water for the crabs to frolic around in as they await their destinies in the boiling pot of doom.

“But,” you ask nervously, “won’t the crabs just climb out of the bucket when my back is turned?”

Oh yes, dear. They’ll try. But they won’t succeed. Do you know why?

Because any time one crab tries to climb above his captured brethren and escape the world of the tiny bucket, the other crabs reach out and pull him right back down. The way out of the prison isn’t some hidden, mystical thing--it’s in plain view of them all. But none can get free because the majority overwhelms the individual’s quest for independence.

Most of us can probably remember a time when this trend played itself out in our lives, when there was intense pressure from peers to conform. And most of the resistance doesn’t come from strangers, but from friends and relatives who don’t appreciate the changes they’re seeing in us, or think we've gone berserk.

I haven't gone berserk, loved ones. I'm just not content to persist in mainstream patterns of thought and behavior that have gotten me nowhere.

* * * * *

"We're all just animals. It's not the 'devil' tempting you. It's a biological need to procreate and spread your genes in order to ensure the continuation of the species. Porn is what happens when biology is subjugated with ethics based on an out dated belief system."

A contradiction in logic appears in the first Anon comment which colors everything else he says with confusion, and that is the assertion that human beings are animals, with the implied message that Christians are subjecting themselves to “an outdated belief system.”

Anon exposes his root, his core belief, right from the start. He is a Darwinist; he believes the theory of Evolution. To the casual thinker this is insignificant, but it is essential to understanding everything that follows. Notice I do not say it nullifies the things he says, or makes them true or untrue, but that it helps us understand his other ideas. Anon’s viewpoint is rooted in a religion. Darwinism has become a religion in the world.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Steve,” you say. “Evolution is about science, not religion.”

Oh but it is a religion, dear. Anon has faith in his heart, just as I do. His faith is placed in an unproven theory that is not based on scientific evidence (or else it wouldn’t be a theory) that somehow, against all odds and probabilities, life just sort of happened. Acceptance of this theory, apparently without question or reservation, constitutes his rejection of the idea that an intelligent Being created the universe. It's like a lens over his eyes, a filter through which he views life, understands human behavior, and interacts with the surrounding world.

Blind acceptance is religion, not science.

The reason the so-called scientific community gets excited every few years and craps their pants because of the discovery of some fossil or skull that might be the “missing link” is because no link exists. There is no bridge between their trusted assumptions and reality, and it galls them. Yet the masses accept this viewpoint as if it were indisputable. Why?

Two reasons. One, it's the only tune that gets good radio play. And two, the only other option is that the universe was preceded by a Creator. This the Darwinist finds threatening and scary, because accepting that idea would raise a lot of other questions he doesn't want to consider.

“But,” you say, “the ideas of intelligent design or Creationism are unproven theories, too. And everyone who’s anyone accepts evolution as fact, even though it’s not technically proven yet.”

Of course, dear, of course. We all have faith. It’s just a matter of where we place that faith, in what we trust. The problem with what Anon and many others believe is the confusion it leads them to. When our thinking begins (as did his comment) that we are just higher apes of some kind, that our existence is a result of some lucky roll of the cosmic dice, our thoughts will ultimately--and probably subconsciously--lead us to conclusions like this:

* Life has no intrinsic value (thus abortion, murder, suicide, and genocide are permissible and should not be questioned).
* The individual has no destiny, no inherent worth. He is a cosmic burp, a chance occurrence.
* Moral questions are irrelevant.
* There is no “meaning of life” or reason to live, except to procreate and try to have a good time.
* Art, music, composition, and even thought are all absurdities in the universe which amount to nothing.
* There is no God, no hereafter. All religious ideologies are mythic fairy tales. It all ends at death.

And since when is something true or untrue based on how many people buy into it? If something’s true, it’s true. It doesn’t become untrue regardless of who believes or rejects it. If I insist the world is flat but you insist the world is round, you’re right and I’m wrong no matter how many people agree with me. Even if I get the most educated, intelligent, powerful people in the world on my side, the truth doesn’t change. Therefore your “belief system” can never become outdated as it is based in unyielding truth, and my cohorts and I are all deceived because the world is, in fact, a sphere.

When things are unproven, the mind should remain open to all possibilities. But in Anon’s case (at least at this point in time), his words reveal a closed mind.

Ask yourself this. Since neither of the two theories regarding the origin of man have been scientifically proven, would you rather believe the theory that emphasizes life, goodness, destiny and hope, and the idea that a benevolent Being is responsible for bringing you and this world into existence? Or will you put your trust in the school of thought that accentuates death, violence, amorality, meaninglessness, and leaves you without hope that you will ever find anything of spiritual substance beyond what you can feel and possess?

* * * * *

A paraphrase of Anon’s first comment might be, “We are animals with biological urges. Our spouses are obligated to fulfill those urges. That’s why marriage exists. If wives do so their men will not have a problem with wanting to get those urges satisfied elsewhere.”

First off, you cannot insist we are animals and then try to make a moral argument about anything. It’s contradictory to reason. Isn’t it obvious that if we are mere mammals, creatures of instinct, then morality doesn’t matter? Morality is pointless in the animal kingdom; in fact it would be a detriment to “survival of the fittest.” In general terms, animals kill each other, steal, eat their progeny, and screw all their friends; and they don’t struggle with guilt or worry about whether their actions are right or proper. (I concede that people sometimes act like animals.) If we are truly beasts then there is no compelling reason to pursue anything above eating, sleeping, and fucking. Life means nothing. Death means nothing. Even pleasure eventually means nothing.

I am astonished at the simple-minded scope of Anon’s definition of marriage.

For one thing, defining marriage as “a mutually exclusive right to sex whenever you want it” is a contradiction of Darwinist doctrine. If the interest of Mother Nature is to perpetuate the human race, and the drive of men is to spread their genes, then the obvious conclusion is that we should all have sex with as many attractive partners as possible. We shouldn't feel guilty about this urge, and we certainly shouldn’t attempt to subdue it, because it's natural. It's who we are.

Anon's idea that people get married to have sex with only one person for the rest of their lives is an assumption, and a ludicrous one. It doesn’t take into account the origin and history of marriage in the human race, the connection of a man and woman on financial, familial, vocational, parental, and spiritual planes above and beyond mere physical pleasure, or the strange and sometimes bizarre complexities of human behavior.

Anon also claims that if a woman does everything she can to satisfy her man, he won’t stray. Human experience (and the confessions of honest men) prove this supposition radically false. Married men have been known to cheat on a woman they truly love, and the reverse is also true.

A man can have a quickie with his wife first thing in the morning, walk outside to get the paper, see his neighbor’s wife bending over in her rose bushes, and think, “God, that ass is spectacular. I wonder if she’s wearing a thong under those shorts? Wonder what it’d be like to tag her?”

These are not harmless thoughts, because his proclivity to engage in fantasy leaves him vulnerable to eventually acting on those ideas, even though he pledged undying love to his wife moments before while in her embrace. If the neighbor's wife feels dissatisfied in her relationship with her husband, she may be intentionally trying to attract male attention, and she may walk over and begin flirting with him. In the man's mind, he has already lost the battle, because in his thought-life he flung the door wide open when he should have slammed it shut. And all the while he never stopped loving his wife in terms of the feelings in his heart.

A married man struggles with addiction to pornography, not because of anything his wife does or fails to do, but because he wants to look at naked women. Which in turn breeds discontent in his relationship with his wife, and becomes its own excuse for looking at more porn. There are individuals who have sex or masturbate compulsively, yet never find satisfaction in the near-constant sexual release.

Many men get married naively thinking that marriage (mutually exclusive sex anytime they want it) will cure them of the problems they had before marriage, and it's true that the problem usually goes away during the honeymoon period--for a couple of years or so.

But it comes back. The lust, roving eyes, impurity, and feelings of dissatisfaction and emptiness always come back, marriage notwithstanding, because the problem does not have a physical cause, as Anon would like to believe. It's like taking a drink, but constantly being thirsty. Or scratching an itch again and again that never stops itching.

Anyone with a background in behavioral science will tell you, "Thoughts lead to behavior." To change behavior, you've got to change the thoughts. Anon’s comment implies that the behavior cannot be changed, because it is a biological impulse implanted in men as a result of evolution. This is an opinion, and it is false.

In addition, Anon excludes aberrations in human sexuality such as homosexuality and pedophilia--traits which, from a perspective of "natural selection" and passing on our genetic code, should not exist. Consider also the married couples who engage in “married-but-looking” affairs, wife-swapping, or “open” marriages where other partners are invited into the marriage bed, which means they're not interested in “mutually exclusive” sex at all, as Anon insists. Furthermore--and this is really obvious, as pointed out by Sikki--you need not be married to have sex with one partner for the rest of your days.

Anon makes yet another assumption by saying a “low [sex] drive is [generally] a result of a hormonal imbalance.”

An acquaintance of mine is a drug representative for Pfizer, the company that brought Viagra to the world. I was talking with her one day and she told me the organization has been conducting extensive research with the aim of producing a female equivalent to the profitable drug--a miracle cure for frigidity, as it were: a pill to ignite a woman’s lagging libido. But the Pfizer labs have been frustrated as they’ve spent millions to discover what women (and a few men) the world over already know: they won’t spread their legs for a creep.

When a woman goes to a doctor or psychiatrist complaining of a low sex drive, the first thing the specialist asks is, “What’s going on in your relationship?” If she feels insecure, betrayed, taken for granted, unloved, unappreciated, abused, fearful, or angry--guess what? Her sex drive’s null. In the vast majority of cases, her lack of desire for sex is explained by a damaged or dwindling emotional connection to her spouse. And guess what else? When she has sex out of a forced sense of duty to her husband while she’s feeling trampled inside, it makes her feel used--like a prostitute--and her resentment for him deepens. Finally, there can be issues in a woman’s history that make aspects of sex frightening or unpleasurable to her, or make it hard for her to connect emotionally with her partner, such as molestation by a trusted family member.

The idea that there is a miracle pill to cure every human struggle skirts the real issues and takes the pressure off people to examine their lives and commit to change.

Those are some of the problems from a logical standpoint with the first Anon comment. Please note that I, the Christian, did not quote a single Bible verse. :)

Now for the second comment...

* * * * *

Anon’s next comment (unlike the first) contains a lot of points I agree with, but many of the problems that surfaced in his first post are also obvious here. Since he takes on a more formal tone of debate in his address to Sikki, declaring her argument invalid, I assume his desire is to present a logical rebuttal. This he fails to do, though some of his ideas make sense in the specific context (such as with the story of the wife who uses guilt to keep her husband emotionally downtrodden).

His first argument that “porn is what happens when...” would be instantly shot down by anyone who’s ever been to a group based on the Twelve Steps, such as Alcoholics Anonymous. People show up at those meetings and say, “I drink because I had a bad childhood.” Or, “My wife drives me to drink.” Or, “I drink to numb myself.” The addicted person finds ten thousand excuses for why he engages in his destructive, compulsive behavior (and the ones who seem to be the best at deceiving themselves and others are the smart ones--the intellectuals). An addict develops a lifestyle of kidding himself and others: he lives in a complex web of lies. It isn’t until he honestly says, “There is no excuse...I am completely responsible for my poor choices and harmful actions,” that he’s ready to begin the process of change.

Anon asserts that if a man feels sexually unfulfilled, he will look at porn. He could just as easily say if a man is unfulfilled he will hire a prostitute, get angry and kick a smaller man’s ass, or smoke crack. Or if a woman is dissatisfied she will chat with strange men on the internet for ten hours a day, eat like a whale, or spend thousands on an out-of-control shopping spree. Yes, these things happen. But they shouldn’t be regarded as absolutes, as inevitable, unavoidable reactions to disappointment in life.

There is no acceptable excuse for infidelity in lieu of the marriage vows. Period. Just as there is no excuse for beating the snot out of your children, stealing a sports car, or killing your mother-in-law.

Human history and personal experience are testimony that willpower (which Anon calls “intellect”) is not sufficient to keep people away from destructive behavior. Nor are “feelings of affection and loyalty.” Ask any human being on earth if he always makes wise choices, and if he’s honest he’ll respond negatively. Does he always do the right thing? No. In fact, he finds himself strongly pulled to desires and behaviors he knows are wrong and will ultimately leave him feeling empty inside. Behavior analysts and writers have called this “the human condition.” The Bible calls it “sin.” It’s spurious to argue that a man will make right choices so long as he has a good mental understanding of when his pain will end, or as long as he feels strong emotions.

Emotions are subjective, prone to erratic changes, and should not be considered in decision-making. There are times when a spouse doesn’t feel loved. There are times when a husband will feel like he is being treated unfairly by his wife (and perhaps he is), or when he feels strong attraction to another woman. Something greater than feelings is ultimately necessary to bond a relationship through moments when the gooey emotions surrounding love and romance are not keenly felt, or not present at all.

What should a man do when he encounters a situation like the one Anon describes? How should a spouse react when they discover disagreeable things about their partner after the wedding? What’s the proper way to cope when one partner is too depressed or self-absorbed to react lovingly, or fails to meet the legitimate needs of his or her spouse? Yes, we have a right to mutually exclusive sex. But what happens when a man, for whatever reason, doesn’t get the thing he has a right to?

These are situations married people will face, and they are all unfair. Logic, argument, emotional appeals, lots of healthy sex, and even great communication won’t make these issues go away. Every married person will experience anger and resentment towards his spouse, everyone will be let down and have unmet expectations.

The common, ordinary human reaction to these slights and offenses–-whether they’re real or imagined--is to withdraw, to bail out of the marriage. To abandon ship, if not physically, then emotionally. Divorce statistics in the Western world speak for themselves.

Times like these are exactly the reason why God--who invented both marriage and sex within marriage, and whom Anon says has little bearing on the relationship--is essential to holding it all together. He understands you both, and knows you better than you know yourselves. Anon doesn’t venture a guess as to why “even pagans” experience “a level of uncertainty and unfulfillment” in their premarital sexual relationships, or why a woman might withhold sex to try and control the marriage--probably because the answer to these questions would necessitate exploration of the soul, issues that go beyond the physical realm. But because of Anon’s fear of admitting God’s relevance in this sphere of life, for his sake I will leave God out of this discussion. He is correct, though, that making a marriage work takes more than God and prayer.

* * * * *

Traditional wedding vows usually include these lines, or something similar:

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my lawful wedded (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward till death do us part.

I have never heard wedding vows include an explicit statement concerning sex. Anon mentioned his wife, so we know he’s married. If he really believes the foundation of marriage is sex (which I consider to be a branch on the marriage tree, not the tree itself) I have to wonder what kind of vows he exchanged with his wife. Did he really say “[I] plan to have sex with [you] for the rest of [my] life, in sickness and in health, for better or worse?”

That whole “I plan...” statement doesn’t fill me with confidence; it doesn’t sound too certain. I’ve already demonstrated the absurdity of trying to reduce marital union to the mere physical act of sex, or even of having children. On the contrary, the vows are much more encompassing, and usually imply personal commitment in the sight of a higher authority (be it God, a minister, or a justice of the peace) to unconditionally love our spouse in every situation life brings our way until death separates us.

The reason the vows are so rigid is because marriage is supposed to be permanent. The vows are unbendable so that the married couple cannot consider separation or divorce as an option when things get tough. (And they WILL get tough.) Because of the vows, a married man should think, “She and I have to either work these issues out, or be miserable the rest of our lives.”

When there is no escape, when the couple is committed to stay together no matter what happens, the only option is to grow up, learn to live unselfishly, and make the relationship work. That’s what they commit to on wedding day. That’s what love is: making loving choices on the other person’s behalf even when it goes against what’s natural, what violates our "rights," or what flies in the opposite direction of our hurt feelings.

The permanency of marriage (also God’s idea) is what fosters a stable family environment for children to grow in, a cohesive sense of community and responsibility, and the sense of security an individual needs when times get really tough and life throws curve balls. Marriage is the bedrock of society. Our society is seething with dissatisfaction and unhappiness because marriage is not held in esteem, is not supported, and because people enter into marriage without taking the wedding vows seriously.

There was nothing in my wedding vows to indicate that my promise was only in effect as long as my spouse made me euphorically happy and met all my needs and expectations all the time. She’s my wife and I committed myself to her. That’s that. End of discussion.

Give Me Understanding, That I May Live

2006-06-25T21:29:00.000-04:00

Someone asked in the comments of the previous post why I think masturbation is wrong. I’ll say more about that in the future, but for now I’ll say that I don’t believe the physical act of masturbation is necessarily sinful--it may even have arguable benefits. It’s the fantasy aspect of masturbation that makes it wrong for me. (Which of course prompts the question, “Well, what’s the matter with fantasy?” More on that later, too.) Anytime I masturbate I also fantasize: I look at a picture of a woman, or I think of myself being with a woman who’s not my wife, or I think of my wife doing something she wouldn’t normally do. Masturbation is an inherently selfish, isolated act, and from the standpoint of marriage, when I masturbate I feel I am robbing my wife of a time of intimacy and connection that is hers by rights. From a Biblical perspective, my body belongs to her, and her body to me.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (1 Corinthians 7:3, 4)

People think Christians have a problem with sex, but the Bible actually instructs married people to have sex and plenty of it.

* * * * *

Your testimonies are righteous forever; Give me understanding that I may live. (Psalm 119:144)

The current pressure from internal compulsions and external circumstances are broader in scope and more powerful in force than anything in my previous experience. I’m in an almost constant state of inner tension.

Yesterday was the first time I have “acted out,” or fallen back on a behavior that I know is harmful to me and my family. The internet in our home is protected and monitored by SafeEyes, but while Jessica and the kids were out yesterday, and I was home alone, I bypassed the SafeEyes program by using a person-to-person file sharing network to download several pornographic pictures and masturbate to them.

It was wholly unsatisfying. Yet even as I write this I find myself wishing I could view them again. That’s the nature of this conflict.

When we purchased the software, I gave Jessica administrative rights to the SafeEyes program (which means she can see all of my web activity anytime she wants to, whether I am online or off). So when she came home, I asked her to log into the program and ban P2P file sharing networks. Once she had, I confessed what I had done and asked her to forgive me. She was very gracious about it.

Even though it was a failure in one sense, it was also a victory. I resisted the first natural urges to cover the whole thing up--and I could have easily done so. No one’s as adept at sneakiness and deception as I. But I don’t want to go backwards. I want to progress and be totally free from this addiction. And I know (and now my wife knows) that when I’m alone, I need to be cautious. I need to have a clear plan for how I’ll spend that time, because I’m more vulnerable when I’m by myself without a mission.

Today I was mowing the grass and a little snippet from a Psalm entered my head. I prayed it several times as I walked the length of the yard: “Give me understanding, that I may live.”

I love that verse. People might prefer it to read this way: “Give me understanding, that I may know.” But it’s not necessarily about knowledge. Knowledge does not equal salvation or spirituality or closeness to God, and often it’s not even helpful. Knowing is easier than “hearing." Giving mental assent to truth isn't the same as owning it and walking under the power and responsibility it brings.

“He who has ears,” said Jesus, “let him hear.” Of course He wasn’t talking about physical ears, but of spiritual perception and receptivity, which is a thing we can choose to cultivate or ignore. Knowing His voice often requires a willful, persistent denial of other voices and distractions around us.

What I need is to hear the present, active word of God so that I can finally have success at living. Not in some dream or vision of the future, but in the here and now. I know a lot--more than most people, honestly. But I’m only just now learning how to live.

Back in the Fight

2006-06-11T21:29:00.000-04:00

This has been a trying week, but I’m encouraged by that.

One of the ways you know you’re on the right track from a Christian perspective is that when you make a solid commitment and begin to follow the Lord, things can go from bad to worse. This is very discouraging to some people who don’t understand or believe there are evil forces at work in the world which resist God, His people, and His plan for creation.

But if you understand that this life is a battle, you are encouraged when spiritual resistance meets you, because it’s confirmation that you’re back in the fight. If you’re spiritually complacent or ignorant, the enemy of souls doesn’t bother you. A lot of Christians think the devil is lurking behind every bush, waiting to pounce on them. But the probable truth is that the devil isn’t too worried about most Christians since they aren’t much of a threat to him. Satan prioritizes well; he targets those who endanger his schemes.

And the evil spirit answered and said, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are you?" (Acts 19:15)

Anyway, on to news from the front...

I’m home, and that’s good. I’m trying to keep up my running and get back into a routine of fitness, which isn’t difficult because my job requires me to lift obscenely heavy doors, cabinets, and stacks of lumber--again and again and again. I’m also eating more nutritious food than when I was on the road. Bills are paid and needs are met. I’m waking up every morning at quarter-to-five to spend some time in prayer and reading because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to fit devotional time into the day.

On the flip side, I haven’t made time to really solidify the “accountability relationships” I know are necessary to pursue sexual integrity. I have to make that a priority this week. Basically I have two guys from my church I’ll be checking in with every week or two. One’s my pastor and one’s my next door neighbor. They’ve both known me since I was a teenager, and know my family. They’ll ask me questions about how I’ve been sexually tempted since I last talked to them and how I handled the temptation. Accountability is only as good as my honesty and transparency, though.

And speaking of temptation, that’s been pretty tough this week, especially in the last two days. I haven’t looked at porn or masturbated at all since I attended Every Man’s Battle (I only mention them together since they went hand-in-hand in my experience, as almost a daily occurrence). But I’ve caught myself again and again indulging in fond memories of a former lover. During the day I deflect my thoughts of her as soon as I realize I’m having them, but they are persistent. Sometimes I feel a sadness and sense of loss when she comes to mind: I miss her. And last night I dreamed about her all night long. Nothing sexual about the dream, per se, but throughout the night I saw (and felt) visions of struggle with conflicting feelings of wanting to embrace her and get her alone, while at the same time desiring to walk away from her forever.

I’ve found I have to be careful about web sites I visit, especially on Journalspace.com, where I host another journal. A lot of ladies there (even some Christian women) post provocative, intentionally salacious pictures of themselves that have created a familiar inner tension in me that can lead to stumbling. Basically I’m limiting myself to the journals and web sites I know are safe.

I’ve had about 50/50 success with “bouncing” my eyes, a technique I learned at the seminar. It’s pretty simple, really. A man’s eyes are the entrance to his mind because men are very visual, especially when it comes to sexuality. What enters his mind and takes root there can affect his behavior.

All of us have eyes that we’ve trained to seek the sexual. When we’re sitting at a stop light, we look around to see what cutie might be driving next to us. When a woman bends over to pick something off the ground, our eyes automatically gravitate to her. We’ve been taught by our culture that this is normal behavior, and maybe it is in terms of an “everyone does it, so why can’t I?” mentality. But it's not God’s desire for us, and it brings us no peace. God never intended us to have heat-seeking eyes. So “bouncing” is about developing a habit of looking away when our eyes or minds are suddenly violated by something impure or out of sync with God’s purpose and intention.

So when I see something sexual or enticing that’s not my wife--be it a billboard, a beachcomber in a bikini, a blog entry about a woman sunbathing or having sex, a waitress with nice cleavage leaning in front of me to write my order on her notepad, a woman in church wearing shorts that are too short--I want to bounce my eyes away from her onto something else.

The process is truly difficult right now. Not just in terms of pursuing purity, but the whole package of life. I’m hopeful though. My faith is not in “what” I believe, but in “Whom.”

For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day. 2 Timothy 1:12

I am dependent on Him.

Seamlessness

2006-06-04T20:27:00.000-04:00

One of the things mentioned at the Every Man’s Battle seminar was the idea of “seamlessness.” The speaker mentioned it almost in passing, but when I heard it I knew the concept was great and vast and transforming--I had to own it, had to possess that knowledge and make it my reality.

“Seamlessness,” said the speaker, “is very simple to understand: it means you are the same person wherever you go.”

I sat stunned, struck between the eyes with point-blank truth.

Before that day I never considered the fact that I habitually portrayed a separate version of myself to people, depending on my surroundings. In church I acted one way, at work I acted another way. Who I was around my wife and children was different than when I was with friends or chatting with online acquaintances.

And of course when I was by myself, I was VERY different. D.L. Moody wrote, “Character is who you are in the dark.” In other words, you are your truest self when no one else can see you. That persona was the one I kept hidden away, even from my family and deepest loves. I was afraid people might glimpse my dysfunctional, addicted, perverted, raging, flawed, sick self. People saw only what I wanted them to see, and I tried to keep the rest under wraps.

Increasing seamlessness is essential to the pursuit of integrity. It shouldn’t matter where you encounter me--I should be the same person wherever I am, whoever I’m talking to, whatever I’m doing. And even though I knew the process would probably take a good while, I decided right then, “I won’t live a fragmented, compartmentalized existence any more. For better or for worse, people are going to be able to trust the fact that they just met Steve Hobbs: a man, not a mask.”

Strange how something so obvious can elude recognition for so long.

Flashpoint Truth, Part 2

2006-05-29T11:49:00.000-04:00

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.
Do not be like the horse or like the mule,
Which have no understanding,
Which must be harnessed with bit and bridle,
Else they will not come near you.” (Psalm 32:8, 9)

I’m a mule. In the past few weeks I’ve seen that God can do whatever He must to get us next to Him, even if it means a harness for a time. By bit and bridle I was led to a men’s conference, and found myself immersed in an atmosphere where I had nothing to do but think about the past several years. There was no escape in terms of being able to flip on a video game or read a book or watch the Simpsons or find some other way to avoid inner inspection.

I could have continued to resist. But when you’re certain God’s gone to a lot of trouble to put fire under your ass, it’s hard to take it for granted. For me, at least. Even through the pain, it’s encouraging when you realize He’s still interested in you and hasn’t given up on you (though you gave up on yourself long ago). So I chose to start facing reality. And when I made that choice, He was there to help.

The first step was confessing the struggle or, more accurately, to confess I really wasn’t “struggling” at all. Let’s face it: most denizens of Western culture don’t even recognize sexual impurity as a serious problem. Married people, single, divorced, whatever–-even Christians–-toy with lascivious thoughts and behavior as if it’s not snaring, marring, unsatisfying, shameful, empty, deadly sin. To some degree, I’d convinced myself that my roving eyes and heart were probably just normal. I wasn’t contesting the behavior or striving for change: I’d made a kind of truce or compromise with it. In my head I knew what God’s standard for purity was, but in my heart I didn’t believe it was feasible.

Here’s what I learned about myself on the first day of the conference:

1. Though I’ve told the truth sometimes about my behavior, I haven’t allowed the consequences of those deeds to lead me to God. I’ve never stopped and considered how my actions have affected me, my wife, my children, my brothers and sisters in Christ, people I’ve worked with, online contacts, or even God Himself. I’ve never really felt sorrow over my poor choices. In fact, I’ve defended and excused them.

2. I’ve never confessed my need to other people, preferring instead to isolate myself. Again, recognizing and acknowledging need is tough in our culture, where it’s viewed as weakness to say, “This problem is beyond my capacity to control or handle on my own.” It’s especially hard on a man. He won’t even stop to ask for directions when he’s lost. But God views that kind of humility and weakness and dependence as a strength, and in fact He intentionally resists the proud, high-minded, and strongly independent. God doesn’t think like a man. “Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)

3. Up to this point, I’d had no desperate desire to be free from this sin. Viewing pornography and grabbing the attention of women has been something I’ve not only enjoyed, but have come to rely upon. And I didn’t realize I had a serious problem until I got to the conference and considered the idea of never intentionally viewing porn or indulging in fantasy (to be defined here in a later post) again. Ever. When I thought about it, it scared me. It really scared me. The first time I encountered porn I was six years old, and I’ve used it as an escape and coping mechanism since I was eleven. So for almost my entire life I’ve had a love-hate relationship with it, and to go, “Hey, I’m a pastor’s kid and I’ve been a Bible teacher and I love God, but I’ve never been truly sorry about this behavior nor have I taken any real steps to change...”

It was disturbing.

* * * * *

All behavior is purposeful. Even dysfunctional, damaging behavior has an underlying cause. We don’t always understand the reasons why we do things, and most people don’t care to explore this stuff in their own hearts. But I’ve been asking myself hard questions (prompted by what I learned at Every Man’s Battle): What woundings do I have? What purpose have these hurtful, persistent patterns of behavior served in my life? What is it I’m getting from them? What are their roots?

One of the amazing things I’ve discovered is that, at their foundation, these sexual thoughts and behaviors aren’t about sex at all.

Flashpoint Truth, Part 1

2006-05-27T08:03:00.000-04:00

One of the reasons the Every Man’s Battle seminar was so striking for me, I think, was that I’d become accustomed to two things in my thoughts and emotions: denial and blame.

Denial. Not so much a willful denial of my situations, but a subconscious escapist mentality where I thought “I’ll start dealing with that tomorrow.” But tomorrow always became another tomorrow.

And blame, which is just denial reaching out to bash someone else. It would seem crazy to people who know me, but it never occurred to me that I was using blame as an excuse to avoid personal change. I've blamed God, and I’ve been blaming my wife for years.

“It’s Jessica’s fault that I’m the way I am because she treated me so shittily in our first years of marriage...if my wife would be the person I need her to be, I wouldn’t struggle with all these damaging behaviors.” So on and so forth, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

I’ve resisted change because I’ve thought, “Why should I change if Jessica’s not going to change? What about her?”

The day after I sent a letter to my former coworker stating that our contact (however limited) must cease, I was driving and praying. Even though I knew I’d done the right thing in sending the letter, I was on fire with anger.

“This is unfair,” I said to the Lord. “This is just not fair. You expect me to change and yet You don’t expect Jessica to change. I know how You are. I’ll go to this stupid conference and recognize a bunch of shit about myself and I’ll know You want me to change, but Jessica will remain the same so the problem won’t go away, will it? I’ll just end up being miserable forever. Everybody thinks she’s perfect and wonderful and I’m the only one knows what a pisser she is, how self-righteous and proud and judgmental. And she doesn’t have to change, but You’re forcing me.”

So like all manly men, I called my Mommy to whine about the situation. I was telling my mother about how Jessica didn’t want me to come home, didn’t want to speak to me, and wanted to separate unless I agreed to go to the Every Man’s Battle seminar. My mother listened, then started to defend me and my way of thinking.

To my surprise, I stopped her almost immediately and defended my wife's viewpoint. The words coming out of my mouth didn’t make any sense, but I said, “Mom, God doesn’t have to be fair. I have to change whether Jessica changes or not, whether my marriage is saved or not. I have to become a man of integrity and truth regardless of what anyone else around me does.” Then I reminded her of a passage from John 21, where Jesus is telling Peter (who publicly denied Jesus to save his own hide) how, sometime in the future, he’s going to be martyred:

Jesus said, “The truth is, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked and go wherever you wanted to. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will direct you and take you where you don't want to go." Jesus said this to let him know what kind of death he would die to glorify God. Then Jesus told him, "Follow me."

Peter turned around and saw the disciple Jesus loved [John] following them--the one who had leaned over to Jesus during supper and asked, "Lord, who among us will betray you?"

Peter asked Jesus, "What about him, Lord?"

Jesus replied, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You follow me."

It wasn’t fair, but it was what Jesus wanted for Peter, and it was a direct answer to Peter’s fear and cowardice in terms of monumental failure and saving himself from death during the flashpoint crisis of Jesus’ arrest, trial, and execution. God doesn’t have to be fair. He can expect something of me and not expect it of someone else, including my wife. He’s God.

In talking to my mother (keeping in mind that both of my parents made excuses for years to avoid change and defend themselves) I saw that the choice before me was to humble myself and submit to the workings of God in the situation even though it hurts and it’s not fair, or to persist in the old Hobbs patterns of self-preservation and self-love.

If my wife doesn’t change, what is that to me? The point of decision doesn't concern her; she's secondary. Jesus is primary. It may not be fair, but it's the path to freedom.

So I chose the path never traveled. Not by me, nor by any member of my family for generations.

First Steps

2006-05-25T07:37:00.000-04:00

I finally have a purpose for this journal.

Here’s what I won’t be using it for. I won’t use it in some fabulous writing pursuit, or to impress anyone with my words or thoughts. In the past, writing has left me feeling empty because the mere expression of misery does not equate to satisfaction or fulfillment in life, no matter how creative or beautiful the form of expression. Man, have I been miserable. And it’s only just in the last few days that I’ve started to catch a small glimpse of why. In the past week God has enabled me to look back on my thirty years and for the first time see things I was unaware of in my experience, twisted things He wants to set straight in my life.

But I’ve recognized that writing and online journals have become just another self-distraction to me: something that holds me (and others) back from achieving eternal destiny. Which simply stated is this: to know God and spend my life loving Him, and to love others by pointing them to Him, too.

So in this little unknown part of the web, no fancy stuff. No frills. Just a guy on a search. I have the freedom of not caring what you think of me because I am not seeking the approval of man. (Or woman, thank God.)

This past weekend, I was more or less forced to attend an Every Man’s Battle seminar in Sterling, Virginia. The conference dealt with issues surrounding sexual purity from a Christian standpoint. The literal translation of Psalm 32:6 reads, “Let everyone who is godly pray to You in a time of finding out.” The conference was just that for me–a time of discovery. Agonizing discovery, like debriding a wound.

In facing some of the reality concerning my situation in the past several years (addiction to fantasy, pornography, compulsive masturbation, and extramarital affairs both emotional and physical) I came to realize three things, which will probably take me a long time to process.

1. I am a sex addict. I’ve used sexual thoughts and behavior the same way an alcoholic (like my late father) uses booze: to numb pain.

2. Related to and superceding that, I am not an honest, transparent person. Even in those few rare moments when I’ve told the truth to my wife or pastor, I usually had to be “cornered” first, I didn’t tell the complete truth, and I didn’t do so with the right motives. This is a critical issue because it’s a root cause of a lot of other problems, including number 1 above.

3. Where I had given up hope that these things could ever change, I now truly believe that God is able and willing to help me overcome these things so I can live differently. To some degree I’m like a fish who’s just learned God wants him to be an eagle: life in the murky depths is all I’ve ever known and any other life seems foreign and impossible. But I can look back on the past six months of my life and I know–-I know–-that God engineered the perfect circumstances (though very painful) to bring me to this place of “finding out.”

This will be the place where I record the process. Someday I’m going to look back on this period of my life and remember, “That’s the pit God brought me from.” And He didn’t do it because I deserved it or because I had to be made worthy or because I did everything right: He did it because He loves me and I’m His son.

“You are my Son; today I have become your Father.” (Acts 13:33)

Don't Try to Tell Me Prophets Don't Still Exist

2006-05-14T21:03:00.000-04:00

These words were spoken to me on the evening of February 23, 2003. I was angry at my wife, and completely in love with another woman. No one knew about the affair but me, the other woman, and God. This message was given by a prophet named Dennis DeGrasse, and is reproduced verbatim...

Steve, I have the word of the Lord for you.

God says His call upon your life is a sure call, and it’s a true call. And God says He’s allowing you a time to adjust, a time for your family.

But God says you need to be careful and watch even your emotions and your feelings. He says you need to watch over these things because He’s got a call on your life, and because of that the enemy is going to attack you. He’s going to attack your soul, he’s going to attack your mind, he’s going to attack your emotions because he sees some of the weight and the glory that God has for you in your life. He’s going to do anything he can to cause you to stumble and fall. And God says be aware, son. Be aware because My call upon you is a sure call.

I’ve not changed My mind because of any circumstances, says the Lord. I’ve not changed My mind because of any circumstances, says the Lord. I have NOT changed My mind because of any circumstances! says the Lord.

And God says you need to go get back at it. You need to get yourself back in the harness. He says that’s where you’re the happiest, that’s where you’re fulfilled, and that’s where your sense of completeness is: not just in knowing God but in serving God, because He’s called you to it. It’s a lifetime call. It’s more than just a call, it’s your vocation. It’s more than a vocation, it’s who you are. You’re His man.

Bless you.

* * * * *

When I heard these words (especially the line that was repeated three times, and by the end was practically being shouted at me) I knew what they referred to because I had already been attacked. And I knew God knew what was going on, even if the prophet didn’t know the exact meaning of the words he was speaking.

The question I have now is, “What next, God?” I’m assuming He’s still not finished with me since He went to all this trouble to get me out here in the world by myself with no earthly friend or help or anyone to talk to, or even anyone who understands me or my experiences. And I’m trusting Him to help me swallow my pride and submit to this process, whatever it is.

That’s part of the frustration. I don’t even know what He’s trying to do. I’m sure “Make Steve writhe in agony” isn’t His prime focus here, even though that’s being accomplished remarkably well.

But what am I supposed to do now? Where’s this thing headed, God? I have to have some kind of vision or purpose or reason or I don’t think I’ll make it through this time.

Where there is no vision, the people perish. - Proverbs 29:18

Consumed By The Blow

2006-05-13T22:09:00.000-04:00

In times past I would’ve been careful to try and keep Jessica from reading what is essentially my “diary,” (which is diarrhea and biography, together in writing at last). But the events of the past couple weeks--and my hope that our marriage is headed toward lasting change--makes me want to be more transparent.

It’s been 19 days since I last saw her or my children, and God has brought me to a place of extreme discomfort, a pinnacle of pain so to speak. But with a purpose.

It started when Jessica gave me an ultimatum: cut off all contact with a former coworker (with whom I’d engaged in an adulterous relationship) or face separation from my family.

* * * * *

I was talking to someone a few weeks ago about my life situation in general and he said, “Being a trucker is kind of like being in the military.” And I thought, “No, it’s more like doing time--especially when everything’s going to shit in your family and you can’t be home to deal with it.”

I’m now certain the trucking decision was and is God’s doing. It’s what had to be.

My parents were both ordained ministers. I grew up in church, but more important, I’ve had several very real encounters with God in my life. There have been times when the unseen has been just as real--more real--than people I talk to face-to-face and the tangible circumstances I observe around me.

Before the affair, I believed I was on my way to full-time ministry (though it wasn’t what I thought I wanted for my life). I’m a teacher of a Word of God. I spoke regularly in our church. I know the Bible, and I’ve walked through difficult times with true faith. I’ve seen God turn the most horrendous situations imaginable into things that work for good in the lives of those who love Him. I’ve seen Him provide answers to needs in unexpected and miraculous ways.

I’ve loved God since I was eight years old. I don’t just tolerate Him, or think He’s far off watching me fumble through existence: I know He’s active and that He cares for people. I’ve questioned Him, yes, and I’m still questioning Him. Sometimes I’ve been furious at Him. But that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate that He goes to such trouble to reach out to belligerent, obtuse idiots like me.

Several nights ago (while considering my wife’s seemingly unfair demands) I faced the fact that the sense of emotional pain and isolation I’ve been feeling with was getting beyond my ability to cope. When that happens in a person’s life--when the brute force of circumstances becomes heavier than the capacity or resources to allay the pain--they start thinking about escape in the form of death. Death is the out, the end of the pain. Severe, sustained anguish can grind a soul down until the will to live is gone and all you can think about is making it stop.

That’s where I was. I’d been giving serious thought to ending my life. Sometimes I’ve even felt a sense of urgency about it, like I needed to pull the truck over somewhere and do it fast--just get it over with. I know those thoughts don’t come from God, but the other night when I realized my wife and I were separating and all my worst fears coming true, the desire to paint it all black became very intense.

So I did what most people do as an absolute last resort when they’re standing on the edge of the precipice between this world and the next--in their misery uncertain whether they’ll fall or jump. I prayed. It was messy. I told God off at first, really let Him have it. I don’t think it made Him angry, though, because after I’d ranted and cussed a sense of calm came over me and I just said, “Jesus, help me. What am I supposed to do?”

Right away I had the sense that I needed to write one last letter to my very good friend and former lover--the one I used to work with, the one I loved--and tell her I never wanted to see her or hear from her again. This is what my wife has been asking me to do for a few weeks. This is the reason we’re separated right now. I haven’t worked with the girl for six months, but I had lunch with her once in December, I’ve talked to her on the phone a couple of times, and she was a regular reader of my other journal.

But when my wife asked me to cut off all communication with her, I resisted. For one thing, a dude doesn’t want his wife telling him what to do. It makes him feel like his balls are being hacked off.

Second, sometimes I feel that when Jessica is getting her needs met and thinks everything is wonderful she starts getting complacent about whether she’s listening to me or whether my needs are being met in our relationship. It’s sick, I know, but a part of me wanted her to be kept in limbo (which is where I’ve been for years) so she wouldn’t get comfortable and start ignoring me like happened in our first years of marriage.

And third, I went from seeing and talking to the other girl almost every day to talking to her maybe once a month. I’ve seen her once in six months. In my mind, it was ridiculous that I couldn’t be friendly with her and shoot the breeze every so often--it was no longer an affair but a leftover friendship, and a long, close one at that. So I dug in my heels at Jessica’s repeated demands, refusing to break contact with the other woman.

But at the thought of losing Jessica, I came to the end of myself. As I prayed, I knew God wanted me to do exactly what my wife was requiring of me. It didn’t come in words, really. Just a mental impression--not angry or demanding, but a very clear impression. And it was the polar opposite of what I really wanted to hear: “Do what your wife is asking.” (A similar situation to mine is described in Genesis 21. People never change.)

Resistance welled inside me. It was unfair, for one thing. In our first years of marriage Jessica treated me pretty shabbily, but I never twisted her arm to force her to change. The whole idea is abhorrent to my mind. It’s not love, it’s coercion.

And writing to the other girl would hurt me (because I’d have to admit I was wrong, both to her and to my wife) and hurt her (because she might not understand, and the idea of never talking to me again is hard on her, as it is me). Plus I was just plain scared of losing my relationship, however limited, with the last person I felt really knows and cares about me, someone my heart loves. I decided to sleep on it, and write the letter the next morning. That was around midnight.

I never have trouble sleeping. I’m one of those dudes hits the pillow and is zonked in five minutes. But I rolled in my sleeper berth for two hours, wide awake.

Shit, I thought. I guess He means right now.

I was pissed and railed at Him some more, but I made the decision. I grabbed my laptop and wrote the letter. In it I took full blame for the events of the past several years, confirmed my love and commitment to my wife (the opposite of what I really felt, but no less true), apologized for the pain I’d brought into her life, and stated without any ambiguity in the plainest terms that we would never call, write, email, or meet each other ever again. It was the end. Over and out. Finito.

For accountability purposes, I courtesy-copied it to my pastor, wife, and another lady from church who knows the situation. As my finger was about to click the Send tab, my objections to the whole idea surfaced again more forcefully. I hesitated. I felt afraid and torn. I was losing a piece of myself--a cherished thing. I was about to torch a beautiful bridge and watch it burn to charred cinders, and it would be forever impassable after that moment.

I wept as I clicked the Send key and slammed the laptop shut. It was three in the morning. I put my head on the pillow and went to sleep almost immediately.

* * * * *

The next morning, I reread the letter I’d sent and came to these words:

I’m at a point where God’s isolated me. I see it, and I know that it’s His doing and that He’s done it for a reason. I’ve lost every important relationship in my life. My Dad, you, Scott, a job where I could talk and relate to people, my internet acquaintances and journal, my church, and now my wife and children. I’m severed from all of it. No one is speaking to me. No one really seems to care that I'm alone and literally wishing I was dead. It’s just me and God, alone.

It’s the stroke of God I refer to sometimes, and it relates to a passage from Psalm 39. “Remove thy stroke away from me, for I am consumed by the blow of thy hand.” I’ve always looked at it as a reference to punishment and vengeance, but it’s not that at all. It’s grace.

People use the word “grace” so flippantly. And what they usually mean is that God will forgive all the stupid things you’ve done. And He will. But it’s so much more than that. Grace can take an almost violent form sometimes for those who’ve committed themselves to the Lord, because He takes our promises seriously. He can arrange the circumstances so you’re nearly forced between choosing the path that’s really best for your life, or keeling over from the misery of resisting His love.

I feel lighter, like a load I was never meant to shoulder on my own has been lifted. I’m joyful again. Not because everything is fixed and wonderful: my personal circumstances are as shitty as ever. There’s a long way to go and rebuilding to do and a lot of hard days ahead. And I’m still full of questions about why it all went down the way it did.

The difference is, I’m back where I belong. I can endure any hardship or sorrow if, at the end of the day, I know I can lie down secure in the promise that there’s meaning behind it all, that there’s a vision and purpose in this life. I finally gave in and stopped resisting. I’m home again, and He did what He had to do to make it happen.

God is speaking. He was speaking all along, really, but I was like a little boy pretending not to hear. I had to be reduced to absolute solitude and removed from anyone and anything I might run to for comfort or help. Think Jonah in the belly of a whale, except for me the whale is a white 18-wheeler that has the blue-and-gold lightning bolt “S” logo of the Swift Transportation Corporation on the side.

That’s what grace looks like as revealed in the life of one Gen-Xer: angry, questioning, cynical, alone. But not really alone.

Know Thyself

2006-05-01T21:31:00.002-04:00

I guess my wife and I have separated for the time being, though to imply separation in the traditional sense would be absurd. I’m a trucker for God’s sake. I’m separated from my family twelve days out of fourteen. But before I see them again six weeks will have passed. It’s looking like the first weekend in June before I’ll be back in Delaware unless I’m routed there with a load of freight. Which is unlikely.

I informed Jessica of my plan to spend my home time in North Carolina this weekend. I even invited her to bring the kids and join me. But she says she “needs a break,” whatever that means. (We’re taking a “break” eighty-seven percent of the time.) She wanted me to come home and spend time with the kids by myself, but I know my limitations in some ways. I know I’d be no good to them as a father right now because I’m absorbed in my own anguish. I can’t even think.

Of greater concern is that I’ve had two events in my life–-both in the past four years or so–-where I completely lost control of my temper when Jessica wouldn't let an issue rest.

Heh. Saying I lost my temper is an understatement that borders on comedy. I became the clash of two fronts. I bit my lip and clenched my fists, trying to suppress a boiling point. But I couldn’t.

I destroyed our bedroom during the first event. I mean I fucked it over good, left gaping fist-holes in the walls, spilled the bookshelf, overturned the bed, threw lamps and vacuum and DVDs and family pictures until I was too tired to go on and collapsed in a shaking heap on top of the shattered mess, crying and bleeding quietly for a long time before I managed to call a friend and asked him to come over and keep me from killing myself.

The second event was worse because it was, plainly stated, a crime: I smashed out the windshield of my wife’s car. (I’m paying for the car, but nevertheless.) She was in it at the time. I didn’t actually hit her but it could’ve happened. And if I had I’d probably have killed her and would be sitting in prison in Smyrna, Delaware, trying to fend off a horny cellmate.

No one else in my life has managed to get such an interesting reaction out of me. Sometimes I'm just a straight bitch.

I remind myself of Posey in the movie “The Dirty Dozen,” where these thieves and murderers and rapists serving life sentences are pulled out of military prisons and told they can join a crack special forces outfit. The pro is, if they survive and accomplish the mission they’re being trained for, they’ll be pardoned for their previous crimes. The con is it’s a suicide mission and it’s doubtful any of them'll live through it. Posey’s the largest, strongest guy in the group. He’s sedate, soft-spoken, mannerly, and just a really nice dude with an easy-going boyish charm.

But he hates being pushed. When someone physically pushes him, he gets murderous. He’ll warn them for awhile: “Stop pushing me...I don’t like being pushed I tell you...don’t, please...stop doing that.” But if they don’t quit, out comes a Ka-bar. Or he puts a fist into their nasal cavity, driving a wedge of skull up into their brains.

Posey had a problem with rage, and I understand it. Unhinged, unchanneled, unholy anger. It's blinding. You stand outside yourself, shocked, watching yourself do things you can’t believe, things you never thought possible. But you can’t stop yourself from doing them–-you’re all impulse and reflex. It’s like living a nightmare. And once rationality returns you think, “My God...I cannot believe what just happened.” Push me enough after I’ve warned you to stop and you can wear me down. Eventually I’ll crack. That’s what I’ve learned about myself.

And that’s why I’m avoiding going home this weekend. Because I don’t trust her not to push, and I don’t trust myself not to work the room over again. I saw those kinds of scenes between my parents all the time as a kid. I don’t want my children to see us arguing and me playing the fool. One of my personal quests is to find a way to keep this shit from embedding itself in the next generation of Hobbses.

Coming to know yourself--in a real sense removed from vague, quasi-religious, humanistic hippy spew--is the most harsh and depressing thing that can happen to a person. Don’t try to know yourself. You don’t want to know yourself. You don’t want to discover the things you’re capable of in the proper environment, when the right buttons are pushed. Oh, you think you’re not capable of them because you’re American or you’re a Christian or you’re a Republican or Democrat. You're just too good and enlightened and brilliant. But human history disagrees. Violently.

People never change. Someone left a comment in my now-defunct journal on another site. It’s a common phrase you hear all the time, the creed of the milk-toast masses. It's also a lie straight from hell: “You deserve better.”

No I don’t. No I fucking don’t. And neither do you. We deserve worse, much worse. The only truly good news I’ve heard in this life is that God doesn’t give us what we deserve.

Don't Tread On Me

2006-04-30T19:38:00.000-04:00

My wife and I are going through some difficult times, or at least I am, and for the time being I don’t really want her reading anything I write. She’s been so bitterly critical of the content of my writing in the past couple years that some things I’d write for my own benefit would cause her such frenzied anger and insecurity I’d be punished with pouty silence and abstinence for days. As of this post, she hasn’t called to talk to me in four days while I’ve been on the road.

I’m thinking of having my dispatcher route me to North Carolina for my home time this weekend. I’ll miss seeing my kids but I think I need to kick back with my sister and brother and their spouses and shoot the breeze with Mom. I’m wound pretty tight right now: blood’s not getting to my head. There’s no clarity, man. Just shitloads of sizzling electric rage. If I went to Delaware this weekend Jessica’d start sermonizing and push my tottering self over the edge and I might do something regrettable.

She often accuses me of “hiding,” or trying to escape from the issues we share in life, but the truth is she’s the only person I hide from. She’s the only person who turns flipped flung shit when I write about drug use, or say “fuck,” or question God, or mention sex or love in anything but a Disney-esque tone. She’s actually been threatening people behind my back, warning them not to read my journal or she’ll be pissed and they’ll go to hell. It’s psychotic, but I’m trying to breathe deeply and be understanding and all that other draining stuff you have to do to make a relationship work.

Last time I was home, we were talking and I mentioned that if she was anyone but my wife I'd consider her a crazed paranoid stalker. She laughed, but she also admitted it was true. Scary, man. Weird scary shit. In her perception everything I do and say in life comes back as connected to her, related to her somehow. I guess that’s normal for women. Self-absorbed bints. There’s no rational communication with them at all.

Me: “I’m hungry...think I’ll go make a sandwich.”

Her: “What’re you saying? That I’m the reason you had an affair?”

I try to respect her viewpoints. A lot of her hostility is understandable. Shit, I couldn’t put up with me if I was in her shoes. She’s right to be insecure and untrusting of me, because I’m not trustworthy. I’ve proven that. I don’t trust myself.

But trying to stamp the writing out or take editorial control is going too far. Writing pre-dates her in my life. I started journaling when my parents separated. I was fifteen. I used pen and paper to extricate the agony. It’s helpful to me. I can’t stop just because it makes her uncomfortable.

And even though I don’t want her reading for awhile, I’m not really doing anything clever or subversive to hide this stuff. I don’t like feeling forced into secrecy. That shit’s no good, boy. I’m not doing it anymore; I’m trying to be transparent.

Fact is the more she knows me, the less she likes what she sees. We’re at a crossroads in our relationship, and I’m not sure which way the pendulum’s going to swing.

If history’s an indicator, it’s going to slit my head open either way.

I am a Man of Constant Sorrow

2006-04-30T12:54:00.000-04:00

I am a man of constant sorrow
I've seen trouble all my day.
I bid farewell to old Kentucky
The place where I was born and raised.

For six long years I've been in trouble
No pleasures here on earth I found
For in this world I'm bound to ramble
I have no friends to help me now.

It's fare thee well my old lover
I never expect to see you again
For I'm bound to ride that northern railroad
Perhaps I'll die upon this train.

You can bury me in some deep valley
For many years where I may lay
Then you may learn to love another
While I am sleeping in my grave.

Maybe your friends think I'm just a stranger
My face you'll never see no more.
But there is one promise that is given
I'll meet you on God's golden shore.

-- The Soggy Bottom Boys